I think I've narrowed down part of the the reason for my procrastination from my previous post. When I wrote it I was very cranked up about something I had worked very hard at that was about to come to fruition...and I think I was scared, believe it or not. I think - no, I know - that I am capable of doing so much more with my life than I've done up to this point and now that I'm forcing myself to go outside of my comfort zone to prove that I actually CAN do more, it's like the underachiever in me is screaming, "Not so fast!"
My confession du jour is that I have been a chronic underachiever for most of my life but have always gotten away with it given that my younger years were safely confined to a well-worn path of school, dating, career, marriage, motherhood. I can really kick ass at the routine stuff. However, once I turned 50 and asked myself what had I accomplished lately, the silence was deafening. (Insert cricket noise here.) And so I set some goals for myself that are scary but shouldn't be. I think I feel afraid because I'm in unchartered waters - which is very foreign to me. Nobody is out in front showing me the way - I am leading instead of following and that is something I am VERY unaccustomed to doing. I haven't taken a risk in a very long time, unlike In my 20's and 30's when I used to travel by myself, supported myself and even performed stand-up comedy. I've lost a lot of faith in myself over the years and I don't quite know how it happened. I think a big part of it was the isolation of being a stay-at-home mom in some very unfriendly environs. In any event, I am trying to bring myself back to life again but sometimes wind up scaring myself to death in doing so.
Procrastination has been such a security blanket for me but it has not served me well. I have learned over these past few days that when I find myself holding back, that is precisely the time I should be pushing forward. The old habits are hard to break but how else do we grow? Just call me Yoda. "Do you must. There is no try."
7 comments:
I really hope that you press on with reaching your goals, no matter how scary!
*sigh*
Im with you today entirely.
I have 2 hours to work and, I guess?, some sort of fear of my work as all I wanna do is ... not do :)
Im out.
to do.
always feel free to nag me :)
MizFit
I knew it...you use to do stand up! Brutally honest post, and I can totally relate. When I look at the freedom and resources I have and what i have accomplished with it in the last 4 years, it just doesn't add up. Your post kind of feels like someone just threw a cold galss of water in my face!! :-)
I find that the older I get the harder it is to take risks. I've never been scared of anything in my life until I had a mortgage, a husband and 2 dogs. Sometimes it's scary and I have to remind myself that if I live my life in fear I will never do anything. Yes, do you must :)
Very good post - I just came to the realization that I am all too familiar with failure, and that it's almost like a security blanket of mine. I am afraid of success ... but to reach my goals, I MUST succeed, and break through this fear of mine.
Keep up the great work!
Being a stay at home mom can really do that to you! Sometimes I realize it's been near a week and I haven't went anywhere ...........so I just get in my van and drive with the music up alone (hubby of course has the kiddos ;)...that really helps. It's like we have to realize there is a "me" in the picture ;)
I love the quote that you used. I related so much to what you wrote, since I'm in that phase of my life too. My son will be gone for college next year, & I'm making some scary goals that I have wanted to do for a long time.
Good luck to accomplishing your goals!
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