Quiet on the Set!!!!!!!

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had some background noise filling up the silence - the radio, the TV, the stereo (the what?).  Some of that habit started when I was single and living by myself in a big city, which could be very isolating at times.  I had a great job with great friends but once I went home and it was just me, I felt I needed something or someone - one dimensional as they may have been - keeping me company.

Fast forward some twenty-odd years later and I was still filling my head with all the wrong things.  How did I know they were the wrong things?  The fact that I haven't been able to lose all this weight over the course of about 15 years.  Something, I concluded, was very, very wrong if all these gym and (multiple) Weight Watcher memberships couldn't help me accomplish that task. 

One day, not so long ago, I asked myself if the problem might be more on the inside than it was on the outside. After countless requests to my brother about keeping me informed as to family news, I had just had a huge falling out with him about his unwillingness to do so.  I live about 1 1/2 hours away from our hometown; he, about 20 minutes.  We still share a very sick mother.  After Mr. Big Stuff informed me that he was just too busy to call or shoot me an email, he quickly devolved into calling me names, stirring up unpleasant memories, mocking painful losses in my life - the whole Charlie Sheen magilla - via email of course.  The chump didn't have the cajones to step out from behind his keyboard.

Well, I thought, who needs this bullshit, as I deleted every trace of him from my computer and personal records.  My "family" was now completely in pieces.  I know I'm not the first this has happened to.  But then it hit me that if I was no longer a sister or a member of this family - things I'd always identified with, obviously too much so - then who the hell was I?  It occurred to me that most of the focus of my life had been outward - attaching myself too much to others - rather than being content with who I was on the inside.  And that was the crux of the problem - I'd hadn't taken the time to be still with myself and listen to that "inner voice" (I apologize if this is sounding too crunchy granola for anyone.  I've already insulted you enough with the mime.).  All this time I've been distracting myself with useless noise when I should've been paying more attention to the silence.  Okay, I'm no monk but I have racked up an awful lot of mileage without too much self-examination.

In my case, the overeating is just a symptom.  I believe that if I can "just" be more at peace with myself and figure out what I want to do with my life then I won't feel the need to distract myself with food for not having done it yet.  Still so much learning to do.....

#4 - Is There Any Such Thing As Wanting It "Too Much"?

When I was a junior in college I developed a wild crush on a dorm mate named Mark.  He was tall, good-looking and had a great sense of humor - usually way out of my league.  As we became good friends, I continued to sense a deeper connection with him - if only either one of us had the courage to speak about it openly.  Seeing as he didn't appear to be in any hurry, I decided to take a risk and ask him to a semi-formal dance.  He accepted and I thought we'd soon be a couple.

What's that saying about best laid plans?  Almost immediately after the dance, it was as if I had become radioactive to this guy.  He was suddenly frosty and distant and I thought I had blown it for good.  I was SO sure he felt about me the same way I did about him, but apparently my radar was malfunctioning.  There was nothing more I wanted in this world than to be with this guy.  Nothing.  But I had taken my best shot and although deeply disappointed, was able to walk away knowing I had given it my all.  His loss, I figured.  I stopped trying so hard, let it go and moved on.

I guess you could say I gave it up to God when I left school for the summer break. My heart was broken but I figured time and space would heal the wound.  I waitressed all summer long and joined Weight Watchers for the first time - losing 25 pounds in three months (oh, to have a metabolism like that again!).  I did it for me, of course, since Mark was now just a distant memory.

When I returned to school in the fall, Mark was still there but I no longer treated him like he was so special anymore.  I was still friendly but didn't make plans around him or myself too available - I did as I pleased and went wherever the moment was taking me. Oddly enough, Mark came to his senses and asked me out on a date - just the two of us - to my favorite place on earth - Watch Hill, RI.  I had my guard up - I wasn't going to allow him to break my heart twice.  But by the end of the evening it was clear that that connection I had felt with him earlier in the year was indeed a two-way street and we fell madly in love.  He said he'd been attracted to me from the beginning but a buddy of his was also interested in me and he didn't want to horn in before it had played itself out.  Men!

Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I'm feeling very much the same way with my weight loss efforts these days - I am wanting it too much.  Huh?  How can that be?  I am focusing all of my gnat-like attention on it which is creating huge feelings of deprivation and making me crankier than Kim Kardashian with a thong wedgie.  I need a little perspective here and have to stop over-thinking it so much - but not to the point that I start gaining weight again.  Micromanaging is best left to rocket scientists and Martha Stewart.  I keep feeling that if I could stop trying so hard, it would come more naturally to me, as if waiting for me on a platter.  Now if I could only figure out the "how" part of it ....