Profiles in Procrastination - Part Deux

I think I've narrowed down part of the the reason for my procrastination from my previous post. When I wrote it I was very cranked up about something I had worked very hard at that was about to come to fruition...and I think I was scared, believe it or not. I think - no, I know - that I am capable of doing so much more with my life than I've done up to this point and now that I'm forcing myself to go outside of my comfort zone to prove that I actually CAN do more, it's like the underachiever in me is screaming, "Not so fast!"

My confession du jour is that I have been a chronic underachiever for most of my life but have always gotten away with it given that my younger years were safely confined to a well-worn path of school, dating, career, marriage, motherhood. I can really kick ass at the routine stuff. However, once I turned 50 and asked myself what had I accomplished lately, the silence was deafening. (Insert cricket noise here.) And so I set some goals for myself that are scary but shouldn't be. I think I feel afraid because I'm in unchartered waters - which is very foreign to me. Nobody is out in front showing me the way - I am leading instead of following and that is something I am VERY unaccustomed to doing. I haven't taken a risk in a very long time, unlike In my 20's and 30's when I used to travel by myself, supported myself and even performed stand-up comedy. I've lost a lot of faith in myself over the years and I don't quite know how it happened. I think a big part of it was the isolation of being a stay-at-home mom in some very unfriendly environs. In any event, I am trying to bring myself back to life again but sometimes wind up scaring myself to death in doing so.

Procrastination has been such a security blanket for me but it has not served me well. I have learned over these past few days that when I find myself holding back, that is precisely the time I should be pushing forward. The old habits are hard to break but how else do we grow? Just call me Yoda. "Do you must. There is no try."

I'll Get To It....

I am a world champion procrastinator and am in tip-top form this morning. I have a ton of things to do and can feel the anxiety building as I continue to put them off. I am capable of accomplishing each and every one of those things on my to-do list and yet am hesitating at getting started; even though I feel more anxious with each passing minute. Of course, working out is on the list too. And the weird part is that I know I'll feel so much better once I've cleared even a little bit off the decks - that sense of accomplishment and being productive is SOOOO satisfying. So why don't I "just do it"? I've got no answers. It's a rainy Monday but I sure could brighten it up but getting all this stuff done. Maybe it's time to switch back to high octane coffee.

Does anybody else have this problem and if so, what gets you back on track? Inquiring minds want to know.

Don't Go There

As I was sitting yesterday I noticed how big my belly was and automatically started pounding on myself about just how big it was. "How am I ever going to lose this thing? It's impossible. I can't do this. It's a waste of time to try....." You all probably know how this winds up: you get that negative beat going on in your head and soon it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But yesterday I caught myself before it all started rolling downhill. I reminded myself that from my high of 229, that belly is actually much smaller than it used to be. Sure, it's got a ways to go but I felt relieved that some progress had already been made - I just needed to think of the more positive stuff than going in the other direction.

Some good news - a small loss down to 205.4 this morning. I still want to lose that 5.4 before Mother's Day. Can do!

"Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Stop Sniffing Glue"

That line was of course delivered by the very funny Lloyd Bridges in the 1980 movie, "Airplane!". He played an airport executive/former pilot who in one day was faced with one catastrophe after another, causing him to revert back to a number of not so healthy coping devices. Sniffing glue was his, eating is mine and oh mama, did I pick the wrong week to give up eating junk.

There's not much new here. It was just your average Murphy's Law week in which everything that could go wrong, did - and at the worst possible moment. The good news is that we didn't wind up on the 6:00 news. I will spare you all the ugly details - and they were very ugly as a teenager and his hormones were involved - but the short version is that I was SO distressed by it all that I too fell back into my old habits and dove face-first into the highest calorie coping mechanism I could find. Sure - I've posted comments on plenty of your blogs when you had similar set-backs about how you all should be removing dangerous foods from your homes and getting yourselves out of the kitchen while you "sit" with your feelings and now I'm eating some real crow here on top of all those other naughty foods. The thing I've always assumed was that the person doing the indulging was in their right mind, which is not something I should always assume as I can tell you that I was hands-down engaged in the most mindless eating in recent memory - just doing anything to feel something other than the reality of the moment. After all, how can you talk someone off a cliff if they've already jumped? And that was me for most of this week.

Now that the teenager is off on a weekend camp-out (pity the poor wild animals nearby), I can heal the enormous hole in my head and return to some level of sanity. They don't call it "mindless eating" for nothing - and now I know why.

The Tangled Web

I thought this was going to be my big break-through year. And it probably still can be but some strong headwinds have developed that are going to make the journey harder than I thought. I mentioned last week about the horrible panic attacks I've been having - almost a daily occurence these past few weeks which has never been the pattern before. A couple of days ago my doctor's office calls and tells me that my thyroid is overactive and I need to cut back on my meds for it and they give me a new regimen. Then from some random readings I discovered that an overactive thyroid can trigger panic and soy (which I've been substituting for milk due to allergies) can interfere with thyroid function. Sounds like I need to address all these issues with just ONE doctor.

You'd think with a slightly overactive thyroid that the pounds would just be melting off. Well, you'd be wrong. I have been faithful about walking every day but admit to more pasta indulgences than were good for me. That, and I guess I haven't been drinking enough water. I am still stuck around 206 - give or take 1/2 pound - and it's very frustrating. I will talk to my doctor and try to get everything straightened out. And I'm holding on very tightly to my sense of humor - but it ain't easy.

Peek-a-Boo...I Don't See You

I've heard lots of talk about these online social networking sites and decided to sign up with one. Being the total techno-idiot that I am, it took me quite a while to figure how things worked but I'm at the functional level now. I think.

Anyway, I touched base with some old friends and acquaintances and as happy as I was to hear from them again, they've all asked the same thing: when are you going to post your picture? And so on Friday I spent the better part of an hour trying to photograph myself without success. The camera worked fine. The subject -well, she/I could not find the best angle because it seemed there wasn't one to find. I was more than a little bummed at what the pictures revealed. The gray hair and some lines were okay but the extra weight just could not be disguised. I actually had in my head a much better image than appeared in real time.

And to make matters worse, I came across my first love's wife's photo. And she is cute and perky and stylish and.....THIN. And only a year younger than I am. This killed me. And she looked so f-ing happy. I wanted so badly to post a fab photo of my own but that is still many, many pounds away. And then I started thinking about "what could've been....." and started wallowing in all my mid-life muck. Ugh! (Sorry - I did hope to warn everyone with the word "wallowing".)

Everybody else always looks so happy in their pictures and I feel so miserable not being able to find just ONE decent picture. And honestly? Are all these people really as happy as they look or are they just better at faking it?

Self Help

Not much going on but yesterday was one of those thoughtful days where I did practically nothing but concentrate on how to improve my circumstances. As I mentioned previously my weight loss, altho slow and steady to begin with, has stalled. I took a long hard look at what I've been eating and discovered some things I could do better on. Given my yeast allergy I had to find a substitute for bread because I love me my sandwiches. And I did - wraps! They are a pretty good substitute except that I noticed each one is 220 calories - not so good. So I decided to use only half. Also, my favorite substitute snack has become potato chips and how true it is that no one can eat just one...... hundred. As with any good thing I've overindulged and am cutting way back on the chips. I can feel a difference already.

I've also been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I started having them back in 2002 and went on anti-depressants - which really helped smooth out the bumps for me. Except that after 3 years of taking them my weight had ballooned to 229 pounds (a 35 pound increase) and so I weaned myself off them - which believe me, was no easy task. Quitting cigarettes was about comparable. My doctor has since prescribed some "panic pills" for me that I take only as needed and they haven't interferred with my weight loss. But the panic attacks are coming more frequently and with greater intensity. My readings on the topic of panic suggest that I am refusing to acknowledge something very elemental which must be confronted in my life. And so yesterday I also wrote a very long and detailed entry in my personal journal about the things I consider to be some of the root causes. And I felt better even though nothing was resolved and probably won't be for a while but because I've put everything down on paper and am starting the process of facing the facts that need to be faced. I am still very uncertain as to how things will settle out and don't know if I possess the courage to take them on. Time will tell.

Switching It Up

Taking a note from Carla's comment yesterday, I'm trying to think of ways to switch up the food and workout. The food is still the big problem with all the allergy issues. I want to go to a nutritionist to learn some variety but have been called for grand jury duty on April 4th and am not sure what kind of tailspin my schedule will be thrown into after then.

But my workouts have gotten very stale. I either take Mr. Scooby out for a walk or use the treadmill on bad weather days. I do a little weight training inbetween. That's it. When better weather arrives I'll be playing tennis which I really love and work up a sweat in no time. And biking and hiking and lots of yard work too. But for now, with snow still on the ground, I'm trying to be creative with some of my indoor activities. Some ideas to burn a few extra calories around the house include: scrubbing the toilet with wrist weights (well, scrubbing with the toilet brush while I'm wearing wrist weights), washing only denim clothes and lifting said wet denim from washer to dryer, mailing myself heavy packages that must be carried from the mailbox up my long driveway, benchpressing the dog (mass quantities of Pupperoni's required), wearing full haz mat suit to clean my son's bedroom and bathroom instead of standard rubber gloves and face mask and using a larger biohazard barrel to haul away the remnants, and lastly, borrowing my dentist's lead apron for some simple cooking duty. Whew, I'm getting a workout just thinking about it all.

All kidding aside tho, it's true - your body gets too used to the same old thing and is bound to stall out if I don't keep it interesting. I'm going to rent and review a few workout videos to help get me through the rest of winter and see how I do with that. I'm still aiming for under 200 by Mother's Day (May 10th). Gotta get busy with that now.

Mother, May I?

I've been stuck at this same weight for the past I don't know how long. Granted, my diet and exercise have been a little erratic but I should have broken through this number by now. But in my head, it's like I haven't given myself permission to continue losing. It's hard to describe but it's like I'm thinking to myself that this is as far as I can go - even though intellectually I know I can get much lower than this. I had this same problem at around 217 - it seemed impossible to break through and when I did go under it I was thrilled. No more obstacles in my way, I thought. It's gonna be a straight shot down. Well....... not so much.

One of my flaws has always been this resistance to achievement - some call it fear of success - and I don't know where it comes from or how to power through it. Even my tennis buddy, who regularly kicks my ass on the court, noticed that whenever I come close to winning a game, I seem to throw it into neutral and blow the opportunity. I have noticed the same with my personal life - most specifically, my weight loss goals. Why do I accept less of myself when I'm capable of so much more? What on earth am I afraid of if I allow myself to succeed? That I'll have to continue living up to those higher standards? And what exactly would be wrong with living a life of higher standards and expectations for myself? That I'll fall? Everyone falls but the people who get on in this life are the ones who keep getting back up.

I'm not about to throw in the towel but I am trying to figure out how to "allow" myself to have a more winning attitude. I admit that a lot of what goes through my head on a daily basis is self-doubt and regret rather than encouragement and perseverance. More than any of my other faults, this one bothers me the most. It causes me the most anguish as I idle in neutral and watch others who have no fear blow by me on their way to a richer, more fulfilling life. As the saying goes, there are no lost opportunities - only ones you failed to take.

Spilled Guts Zone - Please Watch Your Step

Yesterday was my day to visit my Mom. I've written before that she has late stage Alzheimers Disease. She still lives at home with my Dad and their caretaker. She doesn't remember my name anymore but seems to remember who I am as she always links my son's name to seeing me. Every Thursday I drive 3 hours round trip to see her, sit with her for another 2 1/2 - 3 hours and try to make her laugh but mostly answer the same question 50 times or try to talk her out of her delusions. I'm usually alone with her during this time as the caretaker runs some errands and my father always has something more pressing to do than visit with me.

Yesterday was especially hard as my estranged verbally-abusive sister was taking care of Mom and Dad as the caretaker was on her monthly time-off. How she is able to do something as wonderful as taking care of them and yet treat me like a piece of garbage is one of the great mysteries of my life. But I have made every attempt to reconcile and yet only get hit harder the next time. The decision for me cut things off was easy after she flew into a rage at me one Thanksgiving, calling me a f-ing a-hole and various other vulgarities in front of my husband, then 9 year old son, and sick mother. In turn, my father has always said it takes two to tango and asked me what MY problem is - why don't I invite her to my home, why don't I call her anymore - even after witnessing years of this behavior. It is crushing to me that he holds me in such low regard that he somehow feels I either am deserving of this treatment or not justified in my response to it. He has always been an intimidating figure and the apple seems to have fallen not far from the tree. Either way, it speaks volumes to me about my status in the family. It took a long time for me to recognize the fault wasn't with me - it was with them. So it comes as no surprise that I have the appalling lack of self-esteem or self-worth that I do now given the environment I've had to deal with. Learning to be my own best supporter as adult has not come easily to me but I work at it every day and I am clearly aware that some people had it much worse growing up than I did. But this is how I got to be who I am.


My mother and I were exceptionally close my whole life and as she fades, the family, such as it is, is disintegrating into little bits and I know my siblings and I will probably go our separate ways. I never thought things would turn out this way but such is life. It has rocked my foundation and I am still coming to terms with not having that connection back to my childhood anymore. So on Thursdays I am always absolutely depleted by the time I get home and have always given myself a pass on working out. Yesterday, however, was different. In spite of how sad and exhausted I was, I decided to take Scooby for a walk late in the day and it felt great. It wasn't just the joy of physical movement that lifted my spirits but by breaking my habit of being pulled down by my family's sad situation, I made the decision to start defining myself on my own terms and not my father's or sister's or anyone else's. I put a little joy back into my life instead of mourning the loss of things I have no control over. And if I can learn to do more of this every day - looking forward instead of back - I can have a better life than the one I've been living up to now.

Good News For Me & Scooby

So today I finally got up the courage to weight myself. Down 0.4 pounds. Not much but I'll take it. It could've been a lot better given how badly I behaved last month. While I still am avoiding any milk or yeast products which accounted for the big loss at last month's weigh-in, I have since found a few calorie-dense alternatives. Nature adhors a vacuum, yes? The good news is that I realized I was overcompensating with the new foods and underperforming with the work-outs and am working to turn that around.

Today is another very cold day but I think I'll be forced to go out and walk Scooby. He may look cute and innocent but when not properly exercised turns into the movable speed bump, situating himself in front of me whenever I move around the house as if to say, "If I'm not happy, you're not happy." Message received. If I start dressing now I should have enough layers to keep me warm by lunchtime. Wish me luck.

Adios La Vida Loser

Two things happened over the weekend. First of all, I got together with one of my oldest and dearest friends. We live about an hour away from each other and try to visit 3 to 4 times a year. We have seen each other through a lot of personal turmoil over the years: deaths, divorce, broken dreams, personal regrets. And up until the past couple of years I felt completely in synch with her. Lately I've noticed that if we're both in a funk, we usually have some of our best discussions. But if I'm struggling and she isn't then she tends to throw a lot of trite sayings at me as if she's tolerating my being out of sorts. There were a lot of times on Saturday that she tried to change the topic I was on too; I think she thought she was being subtle but it felt more like a ballpeen hammer to me. She teaches grade school and was using typical distraction techniques that I used on my son at that age too. I felt humiliated and angry but I didn't say anything. This has been going on for a few years but we're both going through "The Change" and so I've kept my mouth shut just in case this is a phase. But it seems to be lasting one hell of a long time.

I don't have a lot of close friends but I am an awesome loyal supporter of the ones I do have. I have seen friends through deaths, divorce and cancer and if they needed to vent about anything then I listened for as long as was necessary. I never tried to get them off topic or hurry them along. And I always expected to get as good as I gave. So this latest development is upsetting to me as we all need someone to confide in and feel close to but it needs to be a two-way street. I do not wish to end this friendship but it decidedly feels very one-way. I do not like confrontation but like the feeling of being tolerated even less. I think I'll probably have to talk with her. Things change and perhaps this friendship is a casualty. I've spent far too many years trying to please others at my own expense and I am not going down that road again. We'll see what happens.

The other - but similar - change that occurred is how I shopped for clothes. As a 200+ pound woman, I have usually settled for something that fit rather than to entertain the hope that I could find something I actually thought was pretty too. But I kept at it and eventually found some things that were both stylish (for me, anyway) and a good fit. I didn't settle this time and I was proud of myself. I think one of the biggest problems in my life has been settling for less than I really wanted - self-worth issues and so on. But the discomfort and pain of always putting myself last has become too hard to bear any longer and it's time to change that around. The clothes will be the easy part. The friendship, not so much.

With Apologies for My Apathy...And Then Some

It is a snowy day here and I must be brief as the rest of the family is at home also and do not know about my "secret" life here in blogland. My husband must think I'm having an on-line affair as each time either he or my son enters the office, I almost give myself whiplash from reaching to shut off the computer screen before they see what's on it. What am I afraid of them knowing? My actual weight, of course.

I have been terribly apathetic about my workouts lately and feel so guilty when reading all my favorite posts and how dedicated everyone else is. I haven't done my weigh-in yet because I know it's going to be up. I think I've gotten this train back on track by working out this morning and recognizing that I have gotten very lax about my eating habits. No big harm done but just enough to get my attention and do something positive about it.

Additional apologies for now having to moderate the "comments" section of my blog. Unfortunately, there are a few sad people in the blogosphere who try to use our already established blogs as a free billboard for their suspect causes. I, like many of you, have worked hard to create a thoughtful and encouraging forum for like-minded friends trying to reach their goals and regret that there are some who lack the imagination or initiative to do likewise. Of course, I mean that in the nicest possible way. So, I will still be open for my old friends' comments and any newcomers who have something encouraging and helpful to say. I hope you all understand.