Good New, Bad News, Bad News

Happy Friday, everyone! First, the good news. The CT scan showed nothing new or scary but I'm still going to follow up with a GI specialist - just to be on the safe side. Thank you for your words of concern.

Bad new #1: The cracked tooth that needs to be capped soon might first need a root canal. Ditto on the tooth that cracked a few months ago which also needs a crown. I've never been one to have dental problems so this is really throwing me for a loop. Pretty soon I'm going to look like one of the front row at a Billy Ray Cyrus concert. I have to take Advil for the next 4-5 days and then they'll reassess.

Bad news #2: Sh*t - I'm up another 1.2 again!! Granted, I did not work my *ss off this week because of the tooth pain but on the other hand, I didn't eat so much either because it hurt too much. I walked and did yoga but no bouncy-bouncy elliptical. I'm SO frustrated at still being in this same 2 pound zone. It's beginning to feel like a really bad joke every time I get on the scale. I know, I know - I shouldn't pay such close attention to "a number" but I keep expecting it to change any week now. I have an old Weight Watchers book that I'm going to dust off and do that for a week to see if I can somehow power through this stalemate.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

"Dead Meat" Is In The Dictionary...

Dead, but happy, meat.

Really, look it up. Merriam-Webster "New" Edition. "Dead meat n: one that is doomed." I was looking up another word and happened to see this one at the top of the page. It SO describes my mood today - I cannot get out of my own way and am in a very heightened state of anxiety. Had my CT scan last Thursday for some mysterious abdominal pain and haven't heard back yet. Then my dentist tells me that once I get the "all clear" on the CT, it's time for those new crowns he says I need (one of the teeth was cracked from renewing my relationship with baby carrots - never again - pureed veggies from now on!!!!!). Then I broke a glass bowl all over the kitchen counter and even though I've practically squeegeed the counter top sealant off, I'm still a little freaked that I may have missed a tiny shard somewhere. If I don't post again, you'll know why. Grrrrr......I hate Mondays. Thanks for letting me vent.

Old Dog, New Tricks

It's all about perspective.

I know I promised to blog more often and catch up on reading all of your blogs but life just keeps insisting on getting in the way. It has been a really busy week here: all the political hoo-ha that went on here in MA was so wonderfully exciting and distracting, clearing 4" of snow from the "dusting" the overpaid weather guy said we'd get, getting a cracked tooth fixed, power outage for most of yesterday, a long-awaited CT scan last night and finally today, a morning of skiing with hubby. I'm pooped.

The semi-good news is that I've stayed the same weight-wise. I know, I know - I'm supposed to be losing it. I've been looking over my food journal and discovered that dinner has been heavier than it should be. I think I can make some real changes there that should help me move lower on the scale.

I also haven't been blogging very often because sometimes it just feels like I'm over-thinking it. It's been THE ONLY thing on my mind for a long time and I just felt the need some variety in my life - but with things that won't take me away from the goal that I've set for myself. Like I haven't been able to see the forest for the trees.

I have also been taking myself outside of my usual comfort zone starting this new year. I was stagnating on many fronts and it was really sucking the joy out of life. I would always find reasons not to do something instead of the other way around. So we've started going to a new church which seems like it has a lot of friendly people in addition to that spiritual element I've been craving. I went skiing again today because it was a beautiful day and hubby had it off and I wanted to break up my routine. And I'm happy to report that I'm actually picking up pretty well where I left off with my skiing 6 years ago. And let me tell you what a lift to my fragile little psyche it is to feel myself getting good at something again. I think these new sprouts of confidence will really help my weight loss efforts. Feeling down and defeated all the time generally becomes a vicious cycle and I was caught up in it big time. It has been a little scary making myself do new things but I feel so much better about myself now and want to keep that going. Huh - I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks.

Hope you all have a great weekend!! Will catch up with you next week.

What a Difference A Day Makes

I posted earlier about how "heavy" I had been feeling lately, even though the food and exercise had been pretty good. I weighed myself yesterday and found I was +0.8 lbs! Well, I never got around to posting yesterday and so before I did so today, I took another look at the scale and it was -0.4 from last week - matching my lowest weight so far in my little weight loss adventure ( back within the borders of Onederland, but just barely) - and so that's the one I'm going with. Accentuating the positive!!

Catching Up

I've been out of touch for SO long and have missed reading everyone's blogs. The weekend in VT was a blast but the amount of time packing and shipping off pets is the same whether I'm gone for 2 days or ten. And then I get to undo everything I spent hours doing just 2 days ago. There are still Christmas decorations all over the house and finally got some laundry in before the Department of Health made good on that notice (I kid).

This week feels incredibly "heavy" to me - like I'm not going to have another loss on Friday. I didn't exactly eat like I was going to the chair this weekend but it was not my usual better-than-average fare. The skiing was fun and exhausting but my shins felt really bruised from the fugly orange boots and my calves were strung tighter than Nancy Pelosi's face so I wasn't able to workout Monday and Tuesday for fear I might tear something (instead of my usual seams). I did some free weights on upper body but can tell it hasn't made a dent. I just feel "dense". The eating was back under control first thing Monday but the weight loss gods are making me pay for the fun.

Today was my weekly trip down to CT to visit my parents so I pretty much sat for 6 to 7 hours and had errands up the wazoo when I arrived home so no workout today. Luckily, yesterday was a long, glorious walk in the park with Scooby and tomorrow I'll be back at the gym. General mood: crappy.

I'll be catching up with you all soon.

That's More Like It

Weigh-in Friday produced a loss of 1.6 - not bad, not bad at all. I'm being super vigilant about the food but not in spaz mode yet. I think I'll save that for opening day of swimsuit season.

I'm off to Vermont in a few hours for what I hope is some good skiing. I haven't been in a few years and am a little hesitant about engaging in something that requires a helmet and "bindings" - but what else can you do with the snow? Pray for me.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Can You Hear Me NOW??!!!

I've been behaving pretty well for the past week now. After that little pep talk I had with myself when having to order the up size for the ski boots, I had firmly decided to get it in gear and keep it there. And yet yesterday was so thoroughly embarrassing and f*cked up, that perhaps this is the bottom I always hear others talking about when they finally decide to turn their lives around for good.

It was a weird start to the day when I got a notice in the mail claiming that through some bizarre aligning of the stars and messed up mortgage companies (I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you!) FOUR YEARS AGO, our mortgage account was never properly debited for an escrow payment of $1600! And could I please just forward them the money. Oh sure, let me just rummage around some couch cushions for chump change like that. The documentation looks valid enough but it was also around the time when we closed on this house and so I must review the closing documents (written in Greek, mind you) to see if the money was actually paid during that. Okay, so one house falls out of the sky and lands on me - no big deal, right?

I also put in a call to my doctor's office for the results of an ultrasound I had last week. I've been having some pain in my upper left abdominal area and her hunch was that it was my gall bladder (even though that's on the right side - don't ask me, SHE'S the one who went to med school). Usually, one of the nurses calls up and says everything is fine - no follow up required. But yesterday the doctor herself called and that in itself freaked me out. Time to sit down. Well, the gall bladder was normal but the images also showed that some of my FAT cells were moving into my liver - although that's not what's been causing the pain. Yeah, so? I've got fat everywhere, just in case you haven't noticed. She said that in 20% of cases like these Cirrhosis of the liver occurs and the only way to turn this around is to lose weight, lose weight, lose weight. Really, during the entire 3 minute conversation, she must've said "lose weight" 50 times. Okay, okay - baby seal to the club - enough all-f*cking-ready!!! I get it - lose weight or else!! This is the same doctor that during my last 5 physicals, when I have started off the conversation with "gotta lose some weight", she's said "you're doing okay". Yes - I MUST find someone else to blame - it's how I was raised.

I wouldn't in a million years have ever thought something like THIS was possible. Cirrhosis - I don't really know what it is but I know that it's bad. And no, I haven't looked it up on WebMD (except how to spell it) because I also suffer from "side-effect-aphobia": Strangely taking on whatever side effects/illnesses I read about. And then that gets my anxiety flaring up and then anti-depressants get prescribed and that's how this whole ball of fat got rolling in the first place. No thanks, no more 35 pound side effects for me. I can do fat all by myself.

But back to reality - I really, really need to lose more weight. No kidding. Everything that's wrong with me is because of my weight. But now this added pressure has got me flipping out to the point of feeling really anxious - like I've got some landmine in my gut. It's the same anxious feeling that would have me pulling up a chair in front of the fridge in search of some comfort. Well, that's out. I'd take up knitting but I'm afraid I'd stab somebody with the needle I'm so upset. It's like those early days of quitting smoking. They didn't allow sharp objects around me then either. And hey - isn't stress/cortisol not good for weight loss? Ah yes - the old Catch 22.

Well, I'm going to have to keep it together long enough to lose some more weight and keep it off. The wake-up call has come and the snooze button is no longer operational. I think this is what the bottom looks like.

The King and I

Have you ever seen a whopper up close, Princess?

Yesterday was my day to visit my parents in CT and what I thought was going to be the usual dull 1 1/2 drive turned into bumper cars and sleigh rides all of the highway about 10 minutes into my ride. Even the though roads are clear of snow, there were lots of spin-outs on the highway ramps and I passed two accident on the highway until I just about became part of a third that happened right in front of me which occupied 2 of the 3 lanes. I slammed on the brakes, felt them lock and started going into a spin. Luckily, I must've caught some dry pavement and tip toed through all the debris just as the police behind me arrive and started shutting down the highway. Road kill isn't how I wanted to start the day. One bullet dodged.

Things went much better than anticipated at my folks' house. Dad was just released from the hospital the day before after coming down with pneumonia and was in great spirits. Their health care worker is now sick as a dog but Mom's hanging tough. The hard part about visiting is that I'm always on red alert when I go down there - I just never know what I'm going to be walking into. There have been times we've had to call 911 for my Dad or the neighbor to help us pick up my mom who's decided she doesn't want to stand anymore and then sits on the floor. Three of us are needed to get her back to bed when that happens. So I'm understandably jittery when arriving - like walking into a room full of live hand grenades. Plus, there's the added sadness of seeing them so ill.

In the not too distant past, once I'm back on the road home and I feel myself starting to breathe again, I feel like I need a treat after that high-wire act I just came away from. And the Burger King has always beckoned from Exit 93. Stop here, he says. I have lots of things that will help you feel better. And I've always responded. It's really quite rude not to, as I've been told. And when I'm done comforting myself with the King and all his treasures (it's called The Whopper for a reason, wink-wink), I find that I've undone quite a lot of the good towards staying with my weight loss goals. Not to mention smelling like fried food for the rest of the day. But not yesterday. I came prepared with a bottle of water and two Kudos bars in the car to help carry me over until I reached home and the safety of a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch and blueberries from Chile. Bullet two of the day dodged.

I was super tired and drained when I got home and couldn't even complete 20 minutes on the treadmill so I made up for it today at the gym: 20 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the Nautilus machines. Whew! I feel back on track again.

I'll be getting back to regular weigh-ins this year and Friday will be my day. I've done pretty well this week and hope the number is kinder to me Friday than the past two weeks.

Humiliating Moment #1334

These boots are made for kicking...
(me right in the arse and when I'm down)!

The good news is that we've been invited to a friend's Vermont ski house this coming weekend. I haven't skied in a long while and have rather ancient gear. However, my ski boots must've shrunk about a half size and so my husband convinced me it was time to take the plunge and update my gear.

Two things have been keeping me from doing this: the cost and the fact that to properly adjust the ski bindings, I must provide my weight to a perfect stranger. While I resist spending money on most non-essentials, we did come into a little inheritance late last year and so technically speaking, I wouldn't be dipping into savings. Still, this is a splurge but one my husband - a ski fanatic - has been nagging me to take. I have also made up my mind to get out of my comfort zone this year as I'm beginning to feel and act like an old fart. This also factored big into my finally agreeing to weigh-in in a public area (caution: do not attempt this maneuver unless it is actually related to your safety).

It turns out that weighing-in wasn't my only problem: the size of my calves were too!! Wha..??!! It's true - I couldn't fit my lower leg into the standard ski boot and had to SETTLE for the only pair left in the store that could adjust to my size (and just how much of my overweight life has centered around settling for things I really don't want?!). And they're fugly orange! I had gone too far to turn back now and so just went with them. At least they're too ugly to steal.

Coming into the home stretch at the cash register, I was fully aware that weight had not entered the conversation yet - even though I spied a small scale in the corner. But hey - it's been so long since I've bought ski gear, maybe technology has finally caught up to my modesty level. No such luck. We were in the car just about to pull away from the store and the clerk came running out, needing my ability level, height and, you guessed it, weight. Oh perfect - in front of my husband, no less! Why don't I just undress here in the parking lot - that might be a tad less humiliating. I told hubby to hum a tune to himself and tried my very best to act nonchalant about it to the clerk. Bless him for not saying "whoa!" or "try a salad" in response.

Another negative was that once the boots were off and for most of the day, my varicose veins started in with their primal screaming. Well, none of this was proving to be a very positive experience at all - screw this "going outside of my comfort zone". Except that it made me have a good talk with myself about getting serious again when it comes to losing more weight. The varicose veins are not going away on their own and neither are these continued humiliating moments unless I do something about them. So let's see just how serious I really get.

Thanks to everyone who left a suggestion about jump-starting this fitness mindset of mine that seems to have gone missing over the holidays. You had so many good ones. Jumping in and doing it plus building on one good day at a time is where I'm headed.

Happy Monday!

Circuit Breaker

Oh dear, I neglected to think of a way to shut off the holiday party mode and switch into the fitness goal oriented socket. I need a circuit breaker - something to cut off the bad behavior and turn on the good. Call it cabin fever or whatever but as soon as the sun went down yesterday, I was at it like a dog on a pork chop. Yes, today's a new day and I've already done my exercise but I can already feel my knuckles whitening in anticipation of wiping out yet another day's good intentions.

Apparently this time, thinking and wishing doesn't make it so. Rest assured, I am digging deep and reminding myself about all the good reasons to be doing this but am still lapsing. Any thoughts, friends, about how to successfully shift gears?