For as rotten a day as yesterday was, today is starting out quite the opposite. First of all, the sun is shining and while it won't make much of a dent in the 2+ inches of frozen slush on my driveway, it is nonetheless bright and uplifting - and we could all use a little of that in the dead of winter. Then all the traffic lights were green and people were, if not friendly, then not their usual pushy selves (I love living in the Northeast but some of these Cranky Yankees really get on my nerves at times. Note to self: grow a thicker skin.) But the best news of all is that since my last weigh-in, I'm down 7 pounds to 207.4!!! I know it's not my usual weigh-in date but I couldn't help taking a peak. It is the sole reward for eliminating (against my will) so much from my daily diet.
I'm still struggling with the anxiety - it always spikes when around my sick parents. I am determined, though, never to return to anti-depressants as they helped me pack on 35 extra pounds to an all-time high of 229 and withdrawal from them was harder than kicking cigarettes. They are a life-line for some but not worth the extra poundage for me. I'm learning all I can about positive self-talk and other anti-anxiety methods. Surely, weighing 22 pounds less than my all-time high helps lessen the load (figuratively and literally).
No Super Bowl party plans other than to hang out with husband and son. I'll be making a big pot of pasta e fagiole soup (my one and only specialty) and making sure the boys take their Bean-o beforehand. That way, nobody wakes up with a tan the next morning.
Enjoy the weekend.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Out Flat
I thought the holidays were supposed to be the busy time of the year but am finding January very hard to navigate. Today was Stress Central - visited my parents in CT but first got stuck in a snowbank in their icy driveway. Half an hour later, after digging myself out and with the help of a lovely neighbor, I entered their house to find Dad's blood pressure bottoming out at 66 over 26. Crank-case that he is, he refused the paramedics and had me take him to his doctor - who also knows he's a crank and telling him to go to the hospital won't do any good as long as he's conscious. Luckily, his pressure improved and I was able to stay on schedule (how selfish does THAT sound?! Long story.) - back home to MA for another blood draw at the allergist's, salting my too-long driveway and all of a full 15 minutes left before I have to meet my son at the bus stop because the ice is so bad on our street.
I doubt I'll have time to exercise - altho the shoveling and swearing in my parents' driveway will probably be adequate for today. Tomorrow's another day and I hope I can pace myself to do a little of everything that has to be done. I feel very distant from myself as if I'm on autopilot and the thoughts and feelings are deeply buried and hard to locate - which is always a bad thing. I need to remind myself that it'll all get done - altho probably not in time or in order of necessity but I just need to keep chipping away.
I doubt I'll have time to exercise - altho the shoveling and swearing in my parents' driveway will probably be adequate for today. Tomorrow's another day and I hope I can pace myself to do a little of everything that has to be done. I feel very distant from myself as if I'm on autopilot and the thoughts and feelings are deeply buried and hard to locate - which is always a bad thing. I need to remind myself that it'll all get done - altho probably not in time or in order of necessity but I just need to keep chipping away.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
How Would You Choose To Lose?
Now that I've been reassured that I won't die if I have the occasional ice cream cone (unless I insert the pointy end through my eye), I have nonetheless stopped eating anything with cow's milk or yeast and I can feel the weight melting away. However, I am not having any fun whatsoever with my food. I recognize the need to get more balance in my diet and will do my best to stay clean for the next 6 months - at which time I'll be retested and hopefully my numbers will be better.
But before I knew I could have these foods again at some point in the future, I wondered: would it be better to be overweight and still have complete access to any food OR thin but only able to eat from certain food groups (not including baked goods, carbs or dairy)? What do you think?
But before I knew I could have these foods again at some point in the future, I wondered: would it be better to be overweight and still have complete access to any food OR thin but only able to eat from certain food groups (not including baked goods, carbs or dairy)? What do you think?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Backing Away From the Ledge
Did you ever want to slap someone for leaving out a very key element to something that has upset you greatly - only you're too happy about hearing that left out element that you completely forget to do it? Me too!
I spent this weekend curled up in a ball thinking about how radically my life was going to change since being told that my allergy levels for cow's milk and yeast were extremely high and the test papers I received said I was to eliminate these foods completely from my diet. It even had a bunch of exclamation points after it - you know, like high voltage!!!! or rip tide!!! or soccer mom crossing!!!! - all warning you of a very dangerous situation. And so I took it to heart - really!!!!!
That is, until this morning when I phoned the allergist's nurse to ask the result of other tests. We got to talking and through a series of questions that I, the non-health professional, asked, it seems that instead of being at risk for going into shock, my system was simply overloaded with milk and yeast and that's what raised the reading to such a high level. I asked if this elimination requirement was a life sentence or did I just need more balance in my diet? She said I just needed to avoid these foods and be retested in 6 months but that I could certainly enjoy these foods again at some future date. And you were going to tell me this when......? Oh, and she laughed when she said that so many people react the same exact way. Really? Is that so? Well, I guess that means that you're just scaring the shit out of people unnecessarily by leaving out such major pieces of the puzzle.
So as I back away from the ledge of a life without hot fudge sundaes or bread, join me in a rice milk toast as I enjoy the breeze of the just dodged bullet.
I spent this weekend curled up in a ball thinking about how radically my life was going to change since being told that my allergy levels for cow's milk and yeast were extremely high and the test papers I received said I was to eliminate these foods completely from my diet. It even had a bunch of exclamation points after it - you know, like high voltage!!!! or rip tide!!! or soccer mom crossing!!!! - all warning you of a very dangerous situation. And so I took it to heart - really!!!!!
That is, until this morning when I phoned the allergist's nurse to ask the result of other tests. We got to talking and through a series of questions that I, the non-health professional, asked, it seems that instead of being at risk for going into shock, my system was simply overloaded with milk and yeast and that's what raised the reading to such a high level. I asked if this elimination requirement was a life sentence or did I just need more balance in my diet? She said I just needed to avoid these foods and be retested in 6 months but that I could certainly enjoy these foods again at some future date. And you were going to tell me this when......? Oh, and she laughed when she said that so many people react the same exact way. Really? Is that so? Well, I guess that means that you're just scaring the shit out of people unnecessarily by leaving out such major pieces of the puzzle.
So as I back away from the ledge of a life without hot fudge sundaes or bread, join me in a rice milk toast as I enjoy the breeze of the just dodged bullet.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Discomfort Food
Yesterday, just as I was readying myself to leave for CT to visit my parents and attend a board meeting, I got a call from the allergist and it rocked my world. I went there because I thought I had a sensitivity to honey; first a rash and then some weird sensations in my mouth and throat, which really put the fear of God in me. But what I wasn't expecting to hear was that I had a high sensitivity to what constitutes almost 90% of my current diet - cow's milk and yeast. I was told I should avoid these foods altogether. Other problem foods were egg whites and chocolate! Is there no God?! And by the way, what good is chocolate if it can't be in ice cream or cookie form? But I had to pull myself together for my trip and put on a happy face - even though my world had just been turned upside down.
I am still having trouble wrapping my head around this. Of course I am grateful that this isn't some horrible terminal diagnosis but it is nonetheless going to completely change my whole way of doing things. I could continue as I have in the past and see what happens. The allergist said these foods wouldn't necessarily cause a life threatening situation but she couldn't rule it out either. And if any of you are like me, once a thought like that is in my head, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - like reading the side effects of a new drug and thinking that every single one of them is happening to you. The power of suggestion. I miss the bliss of ignorance.
I wish I could cry or get mad or do something other than walking around like a really hungry zombie but that seems to be as far as I'm going to get right now before more information becomes available. I'll need to see a nutritionist but I'll have to pay full freight as my insurance doesn't cover that. Seems like Trader Joe's will be my new hangout. I've always hated to cook, read labels or make special accomodations for myself but it seems like that is my new life for now. I'm really not happy about this new development and I'm sorry if I sound like a whiner (my third least favorite group of people, right behind "stupid" and "rude"). I guess the upside here is that with so many yummy foods literally off the table now, losing weight should be a piece of cake. Mmmmmm-cake.
I am still having trouble wrapping my head around this. Of course I am grateful that this isn't some horrible terminal diagnosis but it is nonetheless going to completely change my whole way of doing things. I could continue as I have in the past and see what happens. The allergist said these foods wouldn't necessarily cause a life threatening situation but she couldn't rule it out either. And if any of you are like me, once a thought like that is in my head, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - like reading the side effects of a new drug and thinking that every single one of them is happening to you. The power of suggestion. I miss the bliss of ignorance.
I wish I could cry or get mad or do something other than walking around like a really hungry zombie but that seems to be as far as I'm going to get right now before more information becomes available. I'll need to see a nutritionist but I'll have to pay full freight as my insurance doesn't cover that. Seems like Trader Joe's will be my new hangout. I've always hated to cook, read labels or make special accomodations for myself but it seems like that is my new life for now. I'm really not happy about this new development and I'm sorry if I sound like a whiner (my third least favorite group of people, right behind "stupid" and "rude"). I guess the upside here is that with so many yummy foods literally off the table now, losing weight should be a piece of cake. Mmmmmm-cake.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I Wish I Could Quit You, Lays Potato Chips
Rounding the corner to the check-out this morning at BJ's I suddenly found myself face-to-face with the Lays display rack and felt faint. Since when did the store start placing the chips here? I know I had passed another display over near the soda section where I was fully aware of its presence and therefore in full resistence mode. But now my resolve is compromised by this sensory ambush. I even slowed the cart down - no small task given the size of these monsters. They don't exactly turn on a dime, you know. It would be sooooo easy to just bag up a couple of these salty sirens in one of those jumbo plastic bags provided by BJ's - after all, they DO sell in bulk and there is a two bag minimum with the chips. Hmmm, I can't buy just ONE bag but would a pallet be too much?
Just then, the warm cheese danish aroma eminating from the bakery hit me full on and the seduction was underway. If the lights had suddenly dimmed I'd have done it. I'd have given in to my wanton salty passion and bagged those babies up. But.....before I let my thinking process become fully engaged (picture me seated at my kitchen table scarfing down large quantities of chips with a pastrami sandwich chaser...Mmmmmm) I started moving again. The check-out was within sight. Safety was only a few steps away. I made it. Safe again....until next time.
Just then, the warm cheese danish aroma eminating from the bakery hit me full on and the seduction was underway. If the lights had suddenly dimmed I'd have done it. I'd have given in to my wanton salty passion and bagged those babies up. But.....before I let my thinking process become fully engaged (picture me seated at my kitchen table scarfing down large quantities of chips with a pastrami sandwich chaser...Mmmmmm) I started moving again. The check-out was within sight. Safety was only a few steps away. I made it. Safe again....until next time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dad & Daughter Diet Delusions
My father has always had the gift of gab - blarney, is how he and his Irish friends speak of it. He has that rare ability of telling someone to go to hell such that they look forward to the trip. I spent my formative years watching and listening and learned some lessons well and other even better - such as the diet delusion.
One day a few years ago I was visiting my parents. My dad was bemoaning the notion that he'd have to start losing a few pounds. I come from a family of pretty normal sized parents, one skinny sister, and a tall lanky brother. And then there is me - an above average looking gal with the metabolism of a garden slug. No one in my family prior to few years ago ever had trouble with their weight except me. So I suppose Dad was looking for a kindred spirit that day when chewing the fat about fat. So we talked a while about diet and exercise and then he made his way to the fridge. He reached down to the freezer and pulled out a chocolate Dove ice cream bar. They should be called "chocolate ice cream ice cream bars" because one "ice cream" just doesn't adequately cover the amount of creamy goodness and calories packed into the seemingly harmless bar on a stick.
I was very surprised at this, given our topic of conversation and so I asked him why he was getting out a Dove bar if he was trying to lose weight. In his very best Mickie the Dunce performance of all time, he looked at me with wide innocent eyes and asked, "Oh, are these fattening?" And then I remembered who I was dealing with. As if he had no idea. "Well," I began, "I think the only way they could cram any more calories into that Dove bar is if they deep fried it." Realizing his diet delusion had been busted, he broke out into a smile and ate it anyway.
I inherited many things from my dad but lately this diet delusion seems to be heading the pack. While on a very rational level I know some things are bad for me, I nonetheless pick my blind spots: "No one saw me eat it therefore it doesn't count." "There's no way that was three servings!" "Salt, sugar and cocoa are all natural ingredients - how could they possibly not be included in any respectable all-natural diet?!" "All weight limits and calorie counts are lifted at midnight.".........and the beat goes on.
Moral of today's story: the candy apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
One day a few years ago I was visiting my parents. My dad was bemoaning the notion that he'd have to start losing a few pounds. I come from a family of pretty normal sized parents, one skinny sister, and a tall lanky brother. And then there is me - an above average looking gal with the metabolism of a garden slug. No one in my family prior to few years ago ever had trouble with their weight except me. So I suppose Dad was looking for a kindred spirit that day when chewing the fat about fat. So we talked a while about diet and exercise and then he made his way to the fridge. He reached down to the freezer and pulled out a chocolate Dove ice cream bar. They should be called "chocolate ice cream ice cream bars" because one "ice cream" just doesn't adequately cover the amount of creamy goodness and calories packed into the seemingly harmless bar on a stick.
I was very surprised at this, given our topic of conversation and so I asked him why he was getting out a Dove bar if he was trying to lose weight. In his very best Mickie the Dunce performance of all time, he looked at me with wide innocent eyes and asked, "Oh, are these fattening?" And then I remembered who I was dealing with. As if he had no idea. "Well," I began, "I think the only way they could cram any more calories into that Dove bar is if they deep fried it." Realizing his diet delusion had been busted, he broke out into a smile and ate it anyway.
I inherited many things from my dad but lately this diet delusion seems to be heading the pack. While on a very rational level I know some things are bad for me, I nonetheless pick my blind spots: "No one saw me eat it therefore it doesn't count." "There's no way that was three servings!" "Salt, sugar and cocoa are all natural ingredients - how could they possibly not be included in any respectable all-natural diet?!" "All weight limits and calorie counts are lifted at midnight.".........and the beat goes on.
Moral of today's story: the candy apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Good News/Bad News
Well, the good news is that I've been exercising faithfully for the past week. And just as I was getting a little bored with the treadmill routine, some wonderful snow fell and I got to dig us out of it for the past two days (we got about 18"). I also had a great snowball fight with my son today (no special out-of-stock extra grande mom snowpants required). And as if that wasn't enough, my old tennis buddy invited me to her club for our favorite game. I haven't played in about two years so I'm hurting in places as remote as the former Soviet satellite countries.
Now for the bad news. A few months ago I developed a sensitivity to honey. I don't know why but my doctor said that as we age these things can just drop out of the sky. I finally went to an allergist last week to be tested and am awaiting the results. In the meantime, I have cleaned out my pantry to only include those foods I know to be absolutely safe, which means there's not much there. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad, right? No food=no bad behavior.....except that in the event I get a craving for something that I just have to have but is not in the house, I become the MacGyver of snacks and create some simply awful concoctions out of the safe stuff. Great big mounds of nothing I really wanted but had available and it doubly kills me because if I'm going to indulge, I want to like it.
The allergist is supposed to report back in a day or two and let's pray it's only honey and brussel sprouts I can't eat. In the meantime, it's me, MacGyver, some duct tape and saltines.
Now for the bad news. A few months ago I developed a sensitivity to honey. I don't know why but my doctor said that as we age these things can just drop out of the sky. I finally went to an allergist last week to be tested and am awaiting the results. In the meantime, I have cleaned out my pantry to only include those foods I know to be absolutely safe, which means there's not much there. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad, right? No food=no bad behavior.....except that in the event I get a craving for something that I just have to have but is not in the house, I become the MacGyver of snacks and create some simply awful concoctions out of the safe stuff. Great big mounds of nothing I really wanted but had available and it doubly kills me because if I'm going to indulge, I want to like it.
The allergist is supposed to report back in a day or two and let's pray it's only honey and brussel sprouts I can't eat. In the meantime, it's me, MacGyver, some duct tape and saltines.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Molasses in January
I did my January weigh-in this morning. Gak! Up 5.4 pounds! And as I pushed the scale around to different parts of the floor, hoping to find some non-existant sweet spot that would magically erase a few pounds, I figured I'd been busted. There was no place left to run or hide. The scale had the same exact reading in every corner of the room. Damn this modern technology!
I'm a little caught in the transition phase of moving exercise indoors and acclimating to a new year and all the reflection that comes along with it. I've lingered a little too long at the holiday goodies table and have grazed my way back up over the 210 mark - a psychological barrier for me. I want to push through that and then work my way down through my next big marker - 200. My head doesn't really feel like it's in the game but I just need to start doing it day after day until it becomes a habit again. What does that take - about 30 days for something new to become a habit? Might as well get on with it - it won't happen by itself, but lordy, I do feel like molasses in January.
I'm a little caught in the transition phase of moving exercise indoors and acclimating to a new year and all the reflection that comes along with it. I've lingered a little too long at the holiday goodies table and have grazed my way back up over the 210 mark - a psychological barrier for me. I want to push through that and then work my way down through my next big marker - 200. My head doesn't really feel like it's in the game but I just need to start doing it day after day until it becomes a habit again. What does that take - about 30 days for something new to become a habit? Might as well get on with it - it won't happen by itself, but lordy, I do feel like molasses in January.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tick Tock.....
This seems to be the week that some wonderfully relevant quotes have found their way to me. I particularly like the following - especially in terms of making time for exercise.
"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" - John Wooden
I'm older than most of my fellow bloggers - 51 - and let me tell you that when I turned 50, it was like a switch going off in terms of things I shoulda/coulda/woulda done by then...a time bomb of sorts. Not to put too depressing a spin on things but this past year has been spent taking a real accounting of my life and I was coming up far short of a lot of things I was certainly capable of accomplishing... but hadn't. As the reigning Queen of Procrastination, I have always told myself "I'll do it tomorrow" - until that pivotal life event - mine was turning 50 - that makes you suddenly realize how much time you've squandered and how much more you could've done with your life than you did. Time keeps passing whether you do something worthwhile with it or not.
Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like a Janis Ian song and that's the last thing I wanted to do. I only mean to say that time well spent will never be regretted. I don't want any more regrets than I already have so I'm keeping this quote close to me. Are there any inspirational quotes that any of you would like to pass along that have special meaning to you? I'd love to hear about them.
"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" - John Wooden
I'm older than most of my fellow bloggers - 51 - and let me tell you that when I turned 50, it was like a switch going off in terms of things I shoulda/coulda/woulda done by then...a time bomb of sorts. Not to put too depressing a spin on things but this past year has been spent taking a real accounting of my life and I was coming up far short of a lot of things I was certainly capable of accomplishing... but hadn't. As the reigning Queen of Procrastination, I have always told myself "I'll do it tomorrow" - until that pivotal life event - mine was turning 50 - that makes you suddenly realize how much time you've squandered and how much more you could've done with your life than you did. Time keeps passing whether you do something worthwhile with it or not.
Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like a Janis Ian song and that's the last thing I wanted to do. I only mean to say that time well spent will never be regretted. I don't want any more regrets than I already have so I'm keeping this quote close to me. Are there any inspirational quotes that any of you would like to pass along that have special meaning to you? I'd love to hear about them.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Closet Queen
Each morning as I open my closet to get dressed for the day, I am immediately knocked down a few notches by the clothing that hangs there before me. The clothes I've outgrown or bought with the full knowledge of them being too small but loved them so much that I thought I'd use them as "inspiration" to lose weight silently taunt me from their hangers. It is a daily reminder that I have not accomplished my goal - and not just lately but from many days (and, gulp - years) past. Inspirational backfire.
Then there's the other set of clothing that I bought piecemeal; assuming I possessed the skill to put together some discernible outfit with so many disparate pieces. Hah! In this regard I have overestimated myself as it is like trying to piece together separate puzzle pieces into one cohesive picture. And rib knits of any kind? I don't think so. I have failed so miserably in this regard that I've become an outspoken advocate of Garranimals for adults. With the help of Stacy and Clinton from TLC's "What Not to Wear" I have finally learned to shop for the outfit and not the separates.
Yesterday I finally reached my limit as I was hanging up some new Lane Bryant purchases in my closet of shame. My motto for new clothing purchases has become "one new thing in, one old thing out" as I have limited closet space. But yesterday I was a woman possessed. I took massive amounts of the bad stuff out. All the fashion faux pas and "inspirational" pieces went in the charity pile. I hate to admit that some stuff still had the tags on but out it went. And when it was all done I was surprised to find myself feeling great as I has finally released myself from all my past clothing mistakes. I felt as if I had a clean slate in front of me - which is a much better jumping off place than coming face-to-face with all of my failures first thing every morning. I don't keep job rejection letters or photos of old boyfriends around so why would I want a constant reminder of other lifestyle "don'ts" hanging about? Who could thrive in that kind of atmosphere? It was such a simple solution that I wondered why I hadn't thought of it sooner.
While I have never been a contender for the Good Housekeeping seal of approval, my house has always been mostly clean but a little chaotic. I have found that as I organize other things around the house that my mind is less cluttered and I'm more relaxed and thinking more positively. I didn't think something outside the realm of food and exercise could impact my weight loss program like this has but there it is. I have found a happy place I didn't know existed. Have any of you found other methods like this that have helped you get yourself to a better place?
Then there's the other set of clothing that I bought piecemeal; assuming I possessed the skill to put together some discernible outfit with so many disparate pieces. Hah! In this regard I have overestimated myself as it is like trying to piece together separate puzzle pieces into one cohesive picture. And rib knits of any kind? I don't think so. I have failed so miserably in this regard that I've become an outspoken advocate of Garranimals for adults. With the help of Stacy and Clinton from TLC's "What Not to Wear" I have finally learned to shop for the outfit and not the separates.
Yesterday I finally reached my limit as I was hanging up some new Lane Bryant purchases in my closet of shame. My motto for new clothing purchases has become "one new thing in, one old thing out" as I have limited closet space. But yesterday I was a woman possessed. I took massive amounts of the bad stuff out. All the fashion faux pas and "inspirational" pieces went in the charity pile. I hate to admit that some stuff still had the tags on but out it went. And when it was all done I was surprised to find myself feeling great as I has finally released myself from all my past clothing mistakes. I felt as if I had a clean slate in front of me - which is a much better jumping off place than coming face-to-face with all of my failures first thing every morning. I don't keep job rejection letters or photos of old boyfriends around so why would I want a constant reminder of other lifestyle "don'ts" hanging about? Who could thrive in that kind of atmosphere? It was such a simple solution that I wondered why I hadn't thought of it sooner.
While I have never been a contender for the Good Housekeeping seal of approval, my house has always been mostly clean but a little chaotic. I have found that as I organize other things around the house that my mind is less cluttered and I'm more relaxed and thinking more positively. I didn't think something outside the realm of food and exercise could impact my weight loss program like this has but there it is. I have found a happy place I didn't know existed. Have any of you found other methods like this that have helped you get yourself to a better place?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Soul Food
"The human body is the best picture of the human soul." - Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian philosopher
I thought this was a interesting quote, although certainly not 100% accurate for everybody. Speaking for myself (this is the best way to avoid hurt feelings, I've discovered), whenever I see someone of equal of greater size than me, I don't immediately think that they had better lay off the cheeseburgers and chocolate but rather wonder what's going wrong in their lives. Pardon me while I go all Joyce Brothers for a minute but again, speaking for myself, when I've been happy, well-adjusted (relatively speaking), productive and goal-oriented, my weight has not been an issue. While lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my son for the past 13 years and to have been there for his every need and special moment, the trade-off was crushing isolation and a diminution of all the qualities I liked about myself - things that I had never anticipated in my widlest dreams (or nightmares). I allowed my entire identity to be swallowed whole (interesting choice of words, n'est ce pas?) and have come out the other side lacking any semblance of a career, marketable skills, a strong self of sense or confidence in the ability to jump back into the mainstream of thinking and doing people. And so as I go casting about for my second act, albeit with greatly diminished coping skills and faith in myself, I find that my body absolutely reflects the chaos and crises of my life at this moment and all the "growing" years leading up to it.
I love being my son's mom but the experience did not and does not fulfill me on every level of my being. It was not everything I needed for myself to thrive. I expect that outward picture of myself to change as I try to pick up where I left off and get on with the business of enjoying life again. I predict it will be an inside-out progression as I discovered new ways of finding my place in the world again and how I will contribute.
I thought this was a interesting quote, although certainly not 100% accurate for everybody. Speaking for myself (this is the best way to avoid hurt feelings, I've discovered), whenever I see someone of equal of greater size than me, I don't immediately think that they had better lay off the cheeseburgers and chocolate but rather wonder what's going wrong in their lives. Pardon me while I go all Joyce Brothers for a minute but again, speaking for myself, when I've been happy, well-adjusted (relatively speaking), productive and goal-oriented, my weight has not been an issue. While lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my son for the past 13 years and to have been there for his every need and special moment, the trade-off was crushing isolation and a diminution of all the qualities I liked about myself - things that I had never anticipated in my widlest dreams (or nightmares). I allowed my entire identity to be swallowed whole (interesting choice of words, n'est ce pas?) and have come out the other side lacking any semblance of a career, marketable skills, a strong self of sense or confidence in the ability to jump back into the mainstream of thinking and doing people. And so as I go casting about for my second act, albeit with greatly diminished coping skills and faith in myself, I find that my body absolutely reflects the chaos and crises of my life at this moment and all the "growing" years leading up to it.
I love being my son's mom but the experience did not and does not fulfill me on every level of my being. It was not everything I needed for myself to thrive. I expect that outward picture of myself to change as I try to pick up where I left off and get on with the business of enjoying life again. I predict it will be an inside-out progression as I discovered new ways of finding my place in the world again and how I will contribute.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The Scales of Justice
It was D-Day yesterday - the dreaded doctor's office for a 6 month follow-up to see if I'd lost any of the weight she finally told me I had to start losing after years of making excuses for me (bless her). My home scale said 211 - down 10 pounds from our last visit but still up from holiday excess and fun (one and the same in my book). The doctor's scale said 214 - as if there is a doctor scale in existence that ever reads less than the one we have at home. We talked about other stuff for a little bit and then she compared where I was six months ago (222) to now and I was embarrassed. She was mildly encouraged - my weight was at least going in the right direction. But only 8 pounds in six months?! I can gain that amount just by watching a Hostess cupcake commercial.
How could this be, I wondered. I had been thinking the same after reading the People magazine "Half their size" edition - how is it that I weigh the same as people who have 6 chili dogs and 2 milkshakes for breakfast. I haven't had that much fun in the morning since learning Kathie Lee Gifford was leaving TV (but now she's baaaaack - ugh). I went into a tailspin - one of those hideous days where I ate just a little bad stuff to comfort myself and then went into full-blown pity mode where I figure the day is already ruined so why don't I just do as much damage to myself as I please - and I did. And then something caught my eye - the meal diary that I've been keeping for my allergist appointment this coming Monday. I have developed a sudden sensitivity to some foods lately and before they test me, they want an idea of what I'm eating and how I react to those foods. As I scanned the diary it became clear to me why I hadn't lost more weight. By trying to avoid bad food reactions I kept to my tried-and-true menues - plenty of carbs and sodium and not much else. Okay, so maybe I'm not eating chili dogs and Big Macs but I'm not doing myself any favors with this food either.
Unfortunately, this realization didn't come to me until all the major damage of the day had been done. I know - how convenient. And it wasn't even really good splurge stuff like chocolate or ice cream - I committed the cardinal sin of indulging - instead of satisfying my real craving for just one item, I went through the fridge alphabetically and still wasn't happy. And then I sat down to watch "The Biggest Loser" to motivate myself (and by the way, did anyone else think it should've been called "The Cruelest Loser" last night after getting all those contestants there only to send half of them home?! What a blindside. I felt so sorry for those people - especially after weighing themselves on national TV.).
I also tried to watch Dr. Oz on Oprah yesterday but had to turn away after information overload. My head was starting to vibrate like the old times after spending a day at Chuck-ee Cheese with my son and 500 of his newest, sugar-enhanced friends. I'll definitely tune in today for the show on spirituality - Lord knows I could use some of that.
How could this be, I wondered. I had been thinking the same after reading the People magazine "Half their size" edition - how is it that I weigh the same as people who have 6 chili dogs and 2 milkshakes for breakfast. I haven't had that much fun in the morning since learning Kathie Lee Gifford was leaving TV (but now she's baaaaack - ugh). I went into a tailspin - one of those hideous days where I ate just a little bad stuff to comfort myself and then went into full-blown pity mode where I figure the day is already ruined so why don't I just do as much damage to myself as I please - and I did. And then something caught my eye - the meal diary that I've been keeping for my allergist appointment this coming Monday. I have developed a sudden sensitivity to some foods lately and before they test me, they want an idea of what I'm eating and how I react to those foods. As I scanned the diary it became clear to me why I hadn't lost more weight. By trying to avoid bad food reactions I kept to my tried-and-true menues - plenty of carbs and sodium and not much else. Okay, so maybe I'm not eating chili dogs and Big Macs but I'm not doing myself any favors with this food either.
Unfortunately, this realization didn't come to me until all the major damage of the day had been done. I know - how convenient. And it wasn't even really good splurge stuff like chocolate or ice cream - I committed the cardinal sin of indulging - instead of satisfying my real craving for just one item, I went through the fridge alphabetically and still wasn't happy. And then I sat down to watch "The Biggest Loser" to motivate myself (and by the way, did anyone else think it should've been called "The Cruelest Loser" last night after getting all those contestants there only to send half of them home?! What a blindside. I felt so sorry for those people - especially after weighing themselves on national TV.).
I also tried to watch Dr. Oz on Oprah yesterday but had to turn away after information overload. My head was starting to vibrate like the old times after spending a day at Chuck-ee Cheese with my son and 500 of his newest, sugar-enhanced friends. I'll definitely tune in today for the show on spirituality - Lord knows I could use some of that.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Oprah Countdown
Monday, January 5th, 4:00 pm and I'll be strapped in to my couch (I know what you must be thinking - that must be one big-ass couch) watching Oprah's "confession" about how she gained back all her weight. She, along with anyone else struggling with their weight, owes me NO explanation. I have been where she is many times over. The good habits take so very long to make and are so very easy to break. She is human, just like the rest of us who try and fail and keep trying until we finally succeed. But I am always on the lookout for traps to avoid and so I'll be watching ...along with today's purchase of People magazine's weight loss success stories. The difference this year from last is that I will be watching/reading, not looking for someone else's directions on how to do the healthy thing, but as a proud, card-carrying member of the weight loss community who has finally learned that the only one who can lose my weight for me...is me!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Un-Fun Mom
As Christmas vacation nears a close, my 13 year old son is trying to squeeze in all the fun he can before school starts again. Luckily, he has a Dad who is always willing to take him sledding, swimming and all those other fun activities. Unfortunately, his Mom is a home-body and loses out on opportunities to share the fun with her son because she wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit and can't find ski pants to fit her...and so she just sits home while the rest of the family goes out and creates some fun memories.
I used to love doing all kinds of outdoor winter activities when I was young - skiing, skating and sledding. And summers I was outdoors every waking second. But somewhere along the line I let being overweight start interfering with my enjoyment of life. I've used it as an excuse to sit on the sidelines for years now. And today it occurred to me that when my son is fully grown, the memories of all his fun active times will hold only his father's presence and not mine. How did I let it get to this point and what am I going to do about it?
The short answer is to keep heading in the right direction and stay committed to losing more weight. I can't keep half-assing this - I'm losing out on too much of life. I admit that I've let myself become a slave to routine and have long buried the fun person I used to be. It's a gradual thing that builds up over the years until one day you look around yourself and don't like what you see. And I really don't like what I see - and I'm not just talking about what looks back at me in the mirror every day. I can put up with slow weight loss as long as I feel I'm headed in the right direction. But I'll never forgive myself for staying on the sidelines longer than necessary and missing my son's youth and a place in his happiest memories. Just one more reason to keep pressing on - no matter how long it takes.
I used to love doing all kinds of outdoor winter activities when I was young - skiing, skating and sledding. And summers I was outdoors every waking second. But somewhere along the line I let being overweight start interfering with my enjoyment of life. I've used it as an excuse to sit on the sidelines for years now. And today it occurred to me that when my son is fully grown, the memories of all his fun active times will hold only his father's presence and not mine. How did I let it get to this point and what am I going to do about it?
The short answer is to keep heading in the right direction and stay committed to losing more weight. I can't keep half-assing this - I'm losing out on too much of life. I admit that I've let myself become a slave to routine and have long buried the fun person I used to be. It's a gradual thing that builds up over the years until one day you look around yourself and don't like what you see. And I really don't like what I see - and I'm not just talking about what looks back at me in the mirror every day. I can put up with slow weight loss as long as I feel I'm headed in the right direction. But I'll never forgive myself for staying on the sidelines longer than necessary and missing my son's youth and a place in his happiest memories. Just one more reason to keep pressing on - no matter how long it takes.
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