Two things happened over the weekend. First of all, I got together with one of my oldest and dearest friends. We live about an hour away from each other and try to visit 3 to 4 times a year. We have seen each other through a lot of personal turmoil over the years: deaths, divorce, broken dreams, personal regrets. And up until the past couple of years I felt completely in synch with her. Lately I've noticed that if we're both in a funk, we usually have some of our best discussions. But if I'm struggling and she isn't then she tends to throw a lot of trite sayings at me as if she's tolerating my being out of sorts. There were a lot of times on Saturday that she tried to change the topic I was on too; I think she thought she was being subtle but it felt more like a ballpeen hammer to me. She teaches grade school and was using typical distraction techniques that I used on my son at that age too. I felt humiliated and angry but I didn't say anything. This has been going on for a few years but we're both going through "The Change" and so I've kept my mouth shut just in case this is a phase. But it seems to be lasting one hell of a long time.
I don't have a lot of close friends but I am an awesome loyal supporter of the ones I do have. I have seen friends through deaths, divorce and cancer and if they needed to vent about anything then I listened for as long as was necessary. I never tried to get them off topic or hurry them along. And I always expected to get as good as I gave. So this latest development is upsetting to me as we all need someone to confide in and feel close to but it needs to be a two-way street. I do not wish to end this friendship but it decidedly feels very one-way. I do not like confrontation but like the feeling of being tolerated even less. I think I'll probably have to talk with her. Things change and perhaps this friendship is a casualty. I've spent far too many years trying to please others at my own expense and I am not going down that road again. We'll see what happens.
The other - but similar - change that occurred is how I shopped for clothes. As a 200+ pound woman, I have usually settled for something that fit rather than to entertain the hope that I could find something I actually thought was pretty too. But I kept at it and eventually found some things that were both stylish (for me, anyway) and a good fit. I didn't settle this time and I was proud of myself. I think one of the biggest problems in my life has been settling for less than I really wanted - self-worth issues and so on. But the discomfort and pain of always putting myself last has become too hard to bear any longer and it's time to change that around. The clothes will be the easy part. The friendship, not so much.
4 comments:
I am dealing with a one sided friendship myself right now. She went through a lot recently and I was there for her...now she has disappeared and wont even answer my calls. This is not the first time she has done this to me. Last time it took her over a year to realize that she wanted a friend again and begged me to call her.
I guess my advice to you is when you do talk to your friend ask her if everything is OK with her, tell her that you felt she wasnt being supportive of what you are going through. Some friends cant handle dealing with other friends problems. Try to work it out. Friends are rare for me as well and I know I treasure the ones in my life.
Good luck with everything!
:)tj
My mom always has to remind me that relationships with friends change and have their ups and downs. It's hard to be close to someone for a long time and then drift apart or suddenly feel you're not getting back what you put in. I've had to break up with friends in the past because they were destructive to my self esteem.
Glad you held out for clothes you really liked. You deserve to feel stylish. I swear if I had the resources I would make a line of gorgeous plus sized clothes. Is it too much to ask for an outfit for a meeting that doesn't have a picture of Eeyore or sequins on it? Some of it makes me laugh out loud in the store.
Eeyore and sequins - too funny!! I never go near any of that petroleum-based junk with an open flame - even tho I'd love to torch most of it.
If I had the money, I'd join you in that clothing company. You'd never know there was an obesity epidemic judging from the availability of decent clothing for us.
It is hard to find nice clothes at a decent price. Yesterday I saw a cute shirt and noticed the store was charging more for an XXL size. My boyfriend quickly pointed out that they use more material. Fine but what about the skinny clothes that are all short and kind of slutty? They use LESS material and cost waaaaaaaay more...ugh, its like a never ending cycle.
No offense, but screw your friend. She should want to make sure youre ok. Life is too short to wonder who the true friends are.
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