TTFN

I always made a promise to myself that I would never be the type of blogger who would just ride off into the sunset without saying goodbye. I've come to know and like so many of you that it just wouldn't be the way to treat a friend. But the time has come - I think - to forge new trails and so this will be my last post.

My life is at a real crossroads right now and there is much for me to sort through. I'll still continue the good fight towards becoming healthier and one less Lane Bryant customer. The next step in doing that for me is some real self-examination which I fear would be too private - not to mention boring - to post online.

I've come to admire so many of you and have drawn much inspiration and motivation from your journeys. I'm sure I'll be checking in from time to time to say hello. In the meantime, as Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Ta-ta for now.

Silver Linings

Thank you all for your kind words of sympathy on the passing of my Dad. Yes, it will certainly be a while until I can get through the day without crying and I will miss him every day. But each heartbreak always seems to bring a chance for a new beginning - even if not right away and not a something we always immediately recognize. Sometimes we need time and perspective until we realize that what was broken has opened up a new pathway for us to grow. Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley but you get the idea.

With the loss of Dad comes an opportunity to redefine myself through my own eyes - not my family's. I was always the people-pleaser; the go-along-to-get-along girl who suppressed too many feelings lest my opinions offend. I was too outward focused on others' approval instead of developing my own set of beliefs and passions. I accepted everyone else's opinion of me as fact. It's been a rocky road towards self-acceptance but I think I'm finally starting to see some clearing. The weight has never been about me not knowing the physical mechanics of how to lose it. For me, and maybe for some of you, it's been finding a way to be comfortable in my own skin before I could apply those mechanics to my weight problem. I have to identify the feelings have I been smothering with food all this time and bring them to the surface on order to deal with them head-on.

There's always a silver lining.

Back Among the Living

My Dad
April 18, 2010

It's been a sad time around here. My Dad passed away last Sunday. He had many chronic conditions and had dodged many bullets up to this point so we fully expected when he entered the hospital 2 1/2 months ago for surgery that he'd wind up back home again. The surgery went well but he contracted pneumonia and never regained consciousness. He was such a self-assured person - the kind you think would live forever - but everyone has their time and so did he.

He was quite a big man about town, which accounts for the media coverage at the funeral. I'm still trying to process it all - he had such an enormous impact on my life - some good, some bad. I don't know when I'll be back in the loop with you all again. Blogging has dropped a bit on my priority list for now as there are suddenly more pressing issues that need sorting out.

Hope you're all happy and well and succeeding with your plans. I hope to catch up with you soon.

Me and the Teen

And Now For Something Completely Different

Many thanks for all your good wishes on my last post. I was reluctant to write it because it was such a downer but it's what's been occupying my thoughts for weeks. I haven't been posting regularly because I just haven't felt that I had much to add to the conversation - or was even really thinking much along the lines of taking care of myself. But the situation with my parents is very much out of my control and so I DO have to take care of myself, as I'm sure the times will become even more pressing. Time to buck up!

The rain forced me back into the gym today and I made friends again with the elliptical and introduced myself to the rowing machine. Ethel and Lucy made the rowing a little more difficult than it probably should have been as I can't crouch like I did when I was 30, but it felt like a good workout.

For those of you who feel your emotions are a key component to your weight situation, I've just bought and have begun reading Geneen Roth's newest book, Women, Food and God. I'm still only in the early pages but like how she emphasizes the need to really explore your emotions at your most basic level; emotions like love, fear anger, etc. I love her writing style and am intrigued by this latest book. I have always felt that in order to successfully lose AND then maintain that loss, I had to figure out what was causing the overeating in the first place. Otherwise, it would be like shoveling quicksand. I'll keep you posted.

I have tried accessing many of your sites the past few days to catch up with everyone but Blogger has been glacially slow. It's like the old dial-up days. Anyone else having that problem? I'll keep at it and hopefully will break the code soon.

Where The Hell Have You Been?

Lordy, I can't believe so much time has passed since my last post. Apologies all around. I have been dealing with some serious issues of late. My father has been in ICU for almost 5 weeks now and is back on a ventilator. I haven't heard his voice or seen him awake in all that time. In the past, he's always dodged every bullet that's come his way and is one of those larger-than-life personalities who you never really think will one day be rendered completely helpless. Until now. My siblings and I will be meeting with the doctors this week to ask the really hard questions and checking with his attorney as to whether he has a living will. He has always said he wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines.

I have had a life of incredible contrasts with my dad. As a child, I thought he was the strongest, smartest, greatest dad alive. Whenever he'd call me in from playing outdoors, he'd always start singing, "Here she comes, Miss America!" as I ran towards him (I was much cuter back then). But as I grew, I found him to be overly critical of me and everyone else. He had a long fuse but when it ran out, his temper was frightening. Nothing was ever quite good enough for him and he would always be sure to let us know how we failed to measure up - even as adults. So many years later, that disapproval and criticism are still in my head, much as I try to cover it over with more positive thoughts. There have been many family dramas that found us on completely opposite sides of the fence as well. And through it all, I maintained my devotion and loyalty to him; although some boundaries were eventually set up to maintain my sanity.

He is not without his good points. Over his lifetime, he and my mother have always been actively involved in their community and very philanthropic; making legions of friends along the way. He always provided for us in material ways and taught us how to value the more important things in life - even if the way he went about teaching them was sometimes flawed.

So how does all this relate to a weight loss blog? Well, while sitting at his bedside, not so much. But in the larger sense, it has everything to do with it. So much of what I think about myself - my doubts about my capabilities and worthiness - have their roots in how he treated me and had so little faith in me. Make no mistake - parents have incredible power over their children during the formative years, and I've not been a perfect one by a long shot either. I realize as I write this there is a fine line between making excuses for living beneath my potential and calling reality by its real name, and probably a whole lot of gray in between.

In any event, after all is said in done, I still love my father and forgive him for everything. I can't say I've made total peace with it all. There are always the conversations I wished I'd been brave enough to have with him but was afraid they would only have made things worse, as was often the case. For all the troubles we've had, I still wish I could talk with him, hug him and hear him laugh. And if I never get the chance to speak with him again, I take comfort in knowing that my last words to him were, "I love you". And in the end, it's really only love that matters anyway.

If You Talk About It, You Lose It (Momentum, That Is - Not Weight)

I can't believe it's been a week since my last confession...er, post. I've been working on keeping focused and sometimes it feels like if I talk about it, I lose it - know what I mean? The eating's been pretty good and recorded in the journal, the exercise has been increased by an extra 10-15 minutes and my head's in a pretty good place, relatively speaking. The teen has been providing plenty of drama and "tall tales". Ugh! How do I know when he's lying? His lips are moving. I've heard they outgrow this kind of thing but really - he's either headed for jail or congress - or both.

I've been able to shed about 3 1/2 pounds of that sudden burst of weight I had last month. Whew. Still, it bugs me when I lose the same weight over and over - what a waste of time. I'm still a couple of pounds over my most recent low weight and am avoiding the scale so I won't self-sabotage. I want to get through that number the next time I weigh myself so that I won't feel taunted by it like I do now. Make any sense to anyone else out there? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Hope all is well with you.

Walk This WWay? Not This Time.

Many thanks for all your input on the WW thing. As Kathy and Deanna suggested, I did slow down long enough to ask myself why it didn't work in the past and had some cupcake-induced flashbacks. I remember loving the meeting leader but the weigh-in nazis were a drag right out of the gate and SO much of the conversation focused on eating, eating and, well, more eating. I get that some people want to know how to construct a gingerbread house entirely of Splenda and water but not me. I always wanted a more balanced approach of smarter eating strategies, behavior modification and emotional search techniques. But, without fail, it would always center around how to substitute some bad recipe ingredient with apple sauce or some other cooking secrets. I remember now coming out of there feeling frustrated. Other meeting times were pretty much the same. Aside from the accountability factor and the leader, the rest of my considerable needs weren't being met.

Maybe I was looking more for a 12 step program - which I actually tried once, now that I think about it. A friend wanted to try an Overeaters Anonymous meeting so I went along with to see what it was like. Mmmm - it was not my cup of tea. I didn't think I was a real food addict. I think maybe I am only a 6 stepper or something inbetween WW and OA.

Suffice it to say, I'm not going to go the WW route for now. I am going to continue with the food journaling, blogging and exercising. My weight is acting very weird lately - I don't know if all the Advil I've been taking is messing with it or I'm just not paying close enough attention. When I was in full toothache mode, I wasn't exercising because it hurt too much. The pain has lessened and so I've been exercising since early last week so maybe my body's still in slacker mode. Hope it decides to get a little more Denise Austin sometime soon.

Junk-in-the-Trunk Mail

Even though I said I'd never join Weight Watchers again, I got a free membership fee coupon in the mail last week that has been haunting me. Oh sure, junk mail haunts all of us - we can't just toss it in the trash anymore like the good old days. No, we have to open it all up and take out whatever stuff has our name and any other identifying information on it and shred the stuff lest our identities be stolen. But this coupon comes at a particularly vulnerable, low-tide time in my life. I've been stuck in this 3-4 pound zone for ages and know I HAVE to lose more weight. Not just because it's bathing suit and sleeveless shirt season right around the corner - but for health reasons. I can't keep kicking the can down the road on this like I have for the past 20 years. It's starting to catch up to me.

I've been making my own decisions now for years but this one has really got me on the fence. I've succeeded with WW before - only to pile it all on after leaving the program so there's the whole fear of failing (again!). Accountability to myself is only getting me so far right now. The scale nazis at our local WW always have that look about them like they'll beat you to a bloody pulp if there's a gain. That's some incentive. That, plus the financial tie-in: if I'm paying for something, there's always a better than even chance that I'm going to get the most out of it that I can.

I think I know what I'm going to do but would love to hear your thoughts. Please "weigh in".

The Semi-Tough

...And the Semi-Naked.
I feel better already.
(Thanks to The Merry)

Many thanks for your caring comments about my dental work. I had the temporary crown put on Monday and so far, so good. However, other far more important things have hit the fan in the midst of all my crying and complaining. In blogworld, our friend (and my ultimate cool boss) Crabby, from Cranky Fitness, is moving on to other challenges. Today was my last post and if you haven't had a chance to say goodbye, maybe you could take a minute today and wish her well.

In my personal world, such as it is, my dad has been in the hospital down in CT for the past week for what should have been a minor surgery. The procedure went fine but he contracted pneumonia for the second time in as many months and is unconscious and on a ventilator in the ICU. Unfortunately, my siblings, who are much closer to the hospital than I, have been completely uncommunicative - even failing to let me know about a nurse voice mail system one of them set up that leaves the "family" two updates every day. I found that out on my own quite by accident. I'm still trying to come to terms with this indifference and pettiness; especially when it literally is life and death. And yes, I have pleaded with my brother (the indifferent one) to keep me in the loop, which he fails to do over and over, because he seems to think that he would be taking sides against my sister (the petty one) if he were to do so. Or he just might not like me either. I hope I didn't just pass the exit for The High Road....

Anywho, watching the scale has been pushed way to the back of my "To Do" list but I have found other ways of coping than with food this time. And exercise is actually proving to be a very stress-relieving experience - now I totally get the allure of exercise. When it was something I HAD to do, I hated it. Now that's it's something I LIKE to do, I find it much easier to fit it into my day. Imagine that!

Thank you, Jules for the award - you're so kind. I will respond shortly. And Merry, to share that photo of Hugh with me? It's just - well - I'm feeling a little verklempt about it.

I might still be a little lax about posting, depending on how things go, so bear with me. Hope you're all having a great week.

Say "Cheese"

Nope - sorry, this won't be a post about my usual favorite condiment, cheese, but just an entry to let you know that I'm taking a little breather here until some stressors start unwinding a bit. The root canal has taken on a life of its own as I had an allergic reaction to the second round of antibiotics prescribed to me last Friday. Hives and itching ensued for the next four days and Benadryl isn't an option for me. Pain and pressure are still present but now I've been referred back to my regular dentist for a temporary crown to see if that works. I'm starting to feel like a public works project. Hmmm, maybe I can get me some government stimulus money while I'm at it.

When this tooth thing got started I completely let myself go and indulged in all kinds of comfort food. Not this time. I'm keeping a close eye on that and am still exercising - although not at full capacity. I'll keep plugging away and have already alerted my hopes to not inflate themselves as this weight loss may slow with less exercise and more meds. So while I'm letting this issue and a few others work themselves out, I'll probably be reading more blogs than writing.

Cake & Advil - Contraindications That Matter

Take 4 times a day with food.
Doctor's orders :)

I've been feeling so guilty lately about not posting more regularly. I've been trying to keep up with everyone's news and so many of you are doing well. Congratulations and keep up the good work! I'll try to update more often and join the living once again.

Forgive me for whining but I'm still dealing with the f-ing root canal. I had to go to the endodontist again today for her to fix my bite with a little unannounced (and non-novocained) drilling and then she prescribed a second round of antibiotics. (It's like having Jack Bauer as a dentist, which really sucks if he takes you for a bad guy.) And as you've probably already learned about me by now, I'm a side-effect-aphobic and conspiracy theorist when it comes to my health, which means I've already snowballed this trouble into an early and tragic death. At times like these, I wish I had someone else's brain - say, for instance, Abby Normal. Anything would be a welcome change.

While feeling sorry for myself when this whole tooth thing first started, I did reach for the comfort food big time. And the Advil. Lots and lots of Advil. I've pulled myself back from the brink for the past couple of days but not without first wreaking some holy hell on what is supposed to be my weight loss efforts. I weighed myself today and I don't think "horrified" quite covers it - although compared to a few days ago, I look like Paris Hilton. While today's weigh-in yielded another pound up, earlier in the week I was up an additional 2.5 pounds. Something very freaky is going on with me these past couple of weeks which goes beyond the chocolate cake for breakfast. Maybe the meds and Advil have taken my metabolism hostage? But the cake wasn't a good idea either.

I was tempted not to weigh-in today, knowing the number would be a bad one. But I knew if I didn't, things really would've started rolling downhill very fast - and I can't afford to let that happen - again. If nothing else, at least I held myself accountable and will chalk this one up to experience.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Where's Mama's Mojo?

Talk about your bad days
Credit: verydemotivational

Oh brother, she's referring to herself in the third person again. All hands on deck.

It's true - I'm having another mojo crisis. It got triggered by the root canal but now it's taken on a life of its own. I used the pain to excuse my lapse back to bad behaviors - you know, "I'll take care of this when everything is right again." And you all know how that attitude can snowball into massive failure. And by the way? "Everything" is never right at the same time. In fact, it often can morph into Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong - and at the worst possible moment. Advice to self: suck it up.

I've gotten stuck on some mental glue that tells me I'm too old to do this weight loss thing and it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. What was once a plateau now feels like a mountain. When I picked up the old Weight Watchers book I have from one of many memberships long, long ago and in a galaxy far, far away - I panicked! For some reason I just freaked out at having to count and measure again and it all pointed in one direction: deprivation. Is that a signal that I should go in another direction? Probably.

I did the Friday weigh-in and it was up another 1.6 pounds. I knew it would be bad and there's every possibility that that weigh-in didn't account for everything I did wrong in the past week. But it is just one moment in time and totally reversible.

I haven't given up but am getting angry at myself for wasting so much of my time and effort yet again. I'm working on not letting all the little molehills turn into a mountain.

Taking a Mulligan

Oh what a week it's already been!! As I'm sure you've already read, daily Cranky Fitness is coming to a close and so that means I must start looking for another job. I don't know how I'll be able to find as cool and funny a boss as Crabby or an easier commute....but it's time to move on. Luckily, she will be leaving the site up as a terrific resource with many helpful archived posts.

Yesterday was my root canal day. The pain had really cranked up over the weekend and the doctor prescribed some antibiotics. But imagine my surprise when I asked for some laughing gas (as this truly was no laughing matter) and she said she didn't have it. What?!! How am I going to get through this without flipping out/crying/barfing/screaming? Luckily, this is a Harvard Dental School grad who had some really potent novocaine so I didn't feel any pain - until it wore off. She didn't bill me for the finger indents on the arm of the chair or the teeth marks on her wrists. The Police were real nice about it too. They were already in the area.

The past week has been a haze of pain and bad decisions so I'm toying with the idea of taking a pass on my Friday weigh-in. No, I'll probably still do it but man, did things spin out of control these past few days. We'll see just how much come Friday. Pray for me.

Good New, Bad News, Bad News

Happy Friday, everyone! First, the good news. The CT scan showed nothing new or scary but I'm still going to follow up with a GI specialist - just to be on the safe side. Thank you for your words of concern.

Bad new #1: The cracked tooth that needs to be capped soon might first need a root canal. Ditto on the tooth that cracked a few months ago which also needs a crown. I've never been one to have dental problems so this is really throwing me for a loop. Pretty soon I'm going to look like one of the front row at a Billy Ray Cyrus concert. I have to take Advil for the next 4-5 days and then they'll reassess.

Bad news #2: Sh*t - I'm up another 1.2 again!! Granted, I did not work my *ss off this week because of the tooth pain but on the other hand, I didn't eat so much either because it hurt too much. I walked and did yoga but no bouncy-bouncy elliptical. I'm SO frustrated at still being in this same 2 pound zone. It's beginning to feel like a really bad joke every time I get on the scale. I know, I know - I shouldn't pay such close attention to "a number" but I keep expecting it to change any week now. I have an old Weight Watchers book that I'm going to dust off and do that for a week to see if I can somehow power through this stalemate.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

"Dead Meat" Is In The Dictionary...

Dead, but happy, meat.

Really, look it up. Merriam-Webster "New" Edition. "Dead meat n: one that is doomed." I was looking up another word and happened to see this one at the top of the page. It SO describes my mood today - I cannot get out of my own way and am in a very heightened state of anxiety. Had my CT scan last Thursday for some mysterious abdominal pain and haven't heard back yet. Then my dentist tells me that once I get the "all clear" on the CT, it's time for those new crowns he says I need (one of the teeth was cracked from renewing my relationship with baby carrots - never again - pureed veggies from now on!!!!!). Then I broke a glass bowl all over the kitchen counter and even though I've practically squeegeed the counter top sealant off, I'm still a little freaked that I may have missed a tiny shard somewhere. If I don't post again, you'll know why. Grrrrr......I hate Mondays. Thanks for letting me vent.

Old Dog, New Tricks

It's all about perspective.

I know I promised to blog more often and catch up on reading all of your blogs but life just keeps insisting on getting in the way. It has been a really busy week here: all the political hoo-ha that went on here in MA was so wonderfully exciting and distracting, clearing 4" of snow from the "dusting" the overpaid weather guy said we'd get, getting a cracked tooth fixed, power outage for most of yesterday, a long-awaited CT scan last night and finally today, a morning of skiing with hubby. I'm pooped.

The semi-good news is that I've stayed the same weight-wise. I know, I know - I'm supposed to be losing it. I've been looking over my food journal and discovered that dinner has been heavier than it should be. I think I can make some real changes there that should help me move lower on the scale.

I also haven't been blogging very often because sometimes it just feels like I'm over-thinking it. It's been THE ONLY thing on my mind for a long time and I just felt the need some variety in my life - but with things that won't take me away from the goal that I've set for myself. Like I haven't been able to see the forest for the trees.

I have also been taking myself outside of my usual comfort zone starting this new year. I was stagnating on many fronts and it was really sucking the joy out of life. I would always find reasons not to do something instead of the other way around. So we've started going to a new church which seems like it has a lot of friendly people in addition to that spiritual element I've been craving. I went skiing again today because it was a beautiful day and hubby had it off and I wanted to break up my routine. And I'm happy to report that I'm actually picking up pretty well where I left off with my skiing 6 years ago. And let me tell you what a lift to my fragile little psyche it is to feel myself getting good at something again. I think these new sprouts of confidence will really help my weight loss efforts. Feeling down and defeated all the time generally becomes a vicious cycle and I was caught up in it big time. It has been a little scary making myself do new things but I feel so much better about myself now and want to keep that going. Huh - I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks.

Hope you all have a great weekend!! Will catch up with you next week.

What a Difference A Day Makes

I posted earlier about how "heavy" I had been feeling lately, even though the food and exercise had been pretty good. I weighed myself yesterday and found I was +0.8 lbs! Well, I never got around to posting yesterday and so before I did so today, I took another look at the scale and it was -0.4 from last week - matching my lowest weight so far in my little weight loss adventure ( back within the borders of Onederland, but just barely) - and so that's the one I'm going with. Accentuating the positive!!

Catching Up

I've been out of touch for SO long and have missed reading everyone's blogs. The weekend in VT was a blast but the amount of time packing and shipping off pets is the same whether I'm gone for 2 days or ten. And then I get to undo everything I spent hours doing just 2 days ago. There are still Christmas decorations all over the house and finally got some laundry in before the Department of Health made good on that notice (I kid).

This week feels incredibly "heavy" to me - like I'm not going to have another loss on Friday. I didn't exactly eat like I was going to the chair this weekend but it was not my usual better-than-average fare. The skiing was fun and exhausting but my shins felt really bruised from the fugly orange boots and my calves were strung tighter than Nancy Pelosi's face so I wasn't able to workout Monday and Tuesday for fear I might tear something (instead of my usual seams). I did some free weights on upper body but can tell it hasn't made a dent. I just feel "dense". The eating was back under control first thing Monday but the weight loss gods are making me pay for the fun.

Today was my weekly trip down to CT to visit my parents so I pretty much sat for 6 to 7 hours and had errands up the wazoo when I arrived home so no workout today. Luckily, yesterday was a long, glorious walk in the park with Scooby and tomorrow I'll be back at the gym. General mood: crappy.

I'll be catching up with you all soon.

That's More Like It

Weigh-in Friday produced a loss of 1.6 - not bad, not bad at all. I'm being super vigilant about the food but not in spaz mode yet. I think I'll save that for opening day of swimsuit season.

I'm off to Vermont in a few hours for what I hope is some good skiing. I haven't been in a few years and am a little hesitant about engaging in something that requires a helmet and "bindings" - but what else can you do with the snow? Pray for me.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Can You Hear Me NOW??!!!

I've been behaving pretty well for the past week now. After that little pep talk I had with myself when having to order the up size for the ski boots, I had firmly decided to get it in gear and keep it there. And yet yesterday was so thoroughly embarrassing and f*cked up, that perhaps this is the bottom I always hear others talking about when they finally decide to turn their lives around for good.

It was a weird start to the day when I got a notice in the mail claiming that through some bizarre aligning of the stars and messed up mortgage companies (I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you!) FOUR YEARS AGO, our mortgage account was never properly debited for an escrow payment of $1600! And could I please just forward them the money. Oh sure, let me just rummage around some couch cushions for chump change like that. The documentation looks valid enough but it was also around the time when we closed on this house and so I must review the closing documents (written in Greek, mind you) to see if the money was actually paid during that. Okay, so one house falls out of the sky and lands on me - no big deal, right?

I also put in a call to my doctor's office for the results of an ultrasound I had last week. I've been having some pain in my upper left abdominal area and her hunch was that it was my gall bladder (even though that's on the right side - don't ask me, SHE'S the one who went to med school). Usually, one of the nurses calls up and says everything is fine - no follow up required. But yesterday the doctor herself called and that in itself freaked me out. Time to sit down. Well, the gall bladder was normal but the images also showed that some of my FAT cells were moving into my liver - although that's not what's been causing the pain. Yeah, so? I've got fat everywhere, just in case you haven't noticed. She said that in 20% of cases like these Cirrhosis of the liver occurs and the only way to turn this around is to lose weight, lose weight, lose weight. Really, during the entire 3 minute conversation, she must've said "lose weight" 50 times. Okay, okay - baby seal to the club - enough all-f*cking-ready!!! I get it - lose weight or else!! This is the same doctor that during my last 5 physicals, when I have started off the conversation with "gotta lose some weight", she's said "you're doing okay". Yes - I MUST find someone else to blame - it's how I was raised.

I wouldn't in a million years have ever thought something like THIS was possible. Cirrhosis - I don't really know what it is but I know that it's bad. And no, I haven't looked it up on WebMD (except how to spell it) because I also suffer from "side-effect-aphobia": Strangely taking on whatever side effects/illnesses I read about. And then that gets my anxiety flaring up and then anti-depressants get prescribed and that's how this whole ball of fat got rolling in the first place. No thanks, no more 35 pound side effects for me. I can do fat all by myself.

But back to reality - I really, really need to lose more weight. No kidding. Everything that's wrong with me is because of my weight. But now this added pressure has got me flipping out to the point of feeling really anxious - like I've got some landmine in my gut. It's the same anxious feeling that would have me pulling up a chair in front of the fridge in search of some comfort. Well, that's out. I'd take up knitting but I'm afraid I'd stab somebody with the needle I'm so upset. It's like those early days of quitting smoking. They didn't allow sharp objects around me then either. And hey - isn't stress/cortisol not good for weight loss? Ah yes - the old Catch 22.

Well, I'm going to have to keep it together long enough to lose some more weight and keep it off. The wake-up call has come and the snooze button is no longer operational. I think this is what the bottom looks like.

The King and I

Have you ever seen a whopper up close, Princess?

Yesterday was my day to visit my parents in CT and what I thought was going to be the usual dull 1 1/2 drive turned into bumper cars and sleigh rides all of the highway about 10 minutes into my ride. Even the though roads are clear of snow, there were lots of spin-outs on the highway ramps and I passed two accident on the highway until I just about became part of a third that happened right in front of me which occupied 2 of the 3 lanes. I slammed on the brakes, felt them lock and started going into a spin. Luckily, I must've caught some dry pavement and tip toed through all the debris just as the police behind me arrive and started shutting down the highway. Road kill isn't how I wanted to start the day. One bullet dodged.

Things went much better than anticipated at my folks' house. Dad was just released from the hospital the day before after coming down with pneumonia and was in great spirits. Their health care worker is now sick as a dog but Mom's hanging tough. The hard part about visiting is that I'm always on red alert when I go down there - I just never know what I'm going to be walking into. There have been times we've had to call 911 for my Dad or the neighbor to help us pick up my mom who's decided she doesn't want to stand anymore and then sits on the floor. Three of us are needed to get her back to bed when that happens. So I'm understandably jittery when arriving - like walking into a room full of live hand grenades. Plus, there's the added sadness of seeing them so ill.

In the not too distant past, once I'm back on the road home and I feel myself starting to breathe again, I feel like I need a treat after that high-wire act I just came away from. And the Burger King has always beckoned from Exit 93. Stop here, he says. I have lots of things that will help you feel better. And I've always responded. It's really quite rude not to, as I've been told. And when I'm done comforting myself with the King and all his treasures (it's called The Whopper for a reason, wink-wink), I find that I've undone quite a lot of the good towards staying with my weight loss goals. Not to mention smelling like fried food for the rest of the day. But not yesterday. I came prepared with a bottle of water and two Kudos bars in the car to help carry me over until I reached home and the safety of a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch and blueberries from Chile. Bullet two of the day dodged.

I was super tired and drained when I got home and couldn't even complete 20 minutes on the treadmill so I made up for it today at the gym: 20 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the Nautilus machines. Whew! I feel back on track again.

I'll be getting back to regular weigh-ins this year and Friday will be my day. I've done pretty well this week and hope the number is kinder to me Friday than the past two weeks.

Humiliating Moment #1334

These boots are made for kicking...
(me right in the arse and when I'm down)!

The good news is that we've been invited to a friend's Vermont ski house this coming weekend. I haven't skied in a long while and have rather ancient gear. However, my ski boots must've shrunk about a half size and so my husband convinced me it was time to take the plunge and update my gear.

Two things have been keeping me from doing this: the cost and the fact that to properly adjust the ski bindings, I must provide my weight to a perfect stranger. While I resist spending money on most non-essentials, we did come into a little inheritance late last year and so technically speaking, I wouldn't be dipping into savings. Still, this is a splurge but one my husband - a ski fanatic - has been nagging me to take. I have also made up my mind to get out of my comfort zone this year as I'm beginning to feel and act like an old fart. This also factored big into my finally agreeing to weigh-in in a public area (caution: do not attempt this maneuver unless it is actually related to your safety).

It turns out that weighing-in wasn't my only problem: the size of my calves were too!! Wha..??!! It's true - I couldn't fit my lower leg into the standard ski boot and had to SETTLE for the only pair left in the store that could adjust to my size (and just how much of my overweight life has centered around settling for things I really don't want?!). And they're fugly orange! I had gone too far to turn back now and so just went with them. At least they're too ugly to steal.

Coming into the home stretch at the cash register, I was fully aware that weight had not entered the conversation yet - even though I spied a small scale in the corner. But hey - it's been so long since I've bought ski gear, maybe technology has finally caught up to my modesty level. No such luck. We were in the car just about to pull away from the store and the clerk came running out, needing my ability level, height and, you guessed it, weight. Oh perfect - in front of my husband, no less! Why don't I just undress here in the parking lot - that might be a tad less humiliating. I told hubby to hum a tune to himself and tried my very best to act nonchalant about it to the clerk. Bless him for not saying "whoa!" or "try a salad" in response.

Another negative was that once the boots were off and for most of the day, my varicose veins started in with their primal screaming. Well, none of this was proving to be a very positive experience at all - screw this "going outside of my comfort zone". Except that it made me have a good talk with myself about getting serious again when it comes to losing more weight. The varicose veins are not going away on their own and neither are these continued humiliating moments unless I do something about them. So let's see just how serious I really get.

Thanks to everyone who left a suggestion about jump-starting this fitness mindset of mine that seems to have gone missing over the holidays. You had so many good ones. Jumping in and doing it plus building on one good day at a time is where I'm headed.

Happy Monday!

Circuit Breaker

Oh dear, I neglected to think of a way to shut off the holiday party mode and switch into the fitness goal oriented socket. I need a circuit breaker - something to cut off the bad behavior and turn on the good. Call it cabin fever or whatever but as soon as the sun went down yesterday, I was at it like a dog on a pork chop. Yes, today's a new day and I've already done my exercise but I can already feel my knuckles whitening in anticipation of wiping out yet another day's good intentions.

Apparently this time, thinking and wishing doesn't make it so. Rest assured, I am digging deep and reminding myself about all the good reasons to be doing this but am still lapsing. Any thoughts, friends, about how to successfully shift gears?