Soul Food

"The human body is the best picture of the human soul." - Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian philosopher

I thought this was a interesting quote, although certainly not 100% accurate for everybody. Speaking for myself (this is the best way to avoid hurt feelings, I've discovered), whenever I see someone of equal of greater size than me, I don't immediately think that they had better lay off the cheeseburgers and chocolate but rather wonder what's going wrong in their lives. Pardon me while I go all Joyce Brothers for a minute but again, speaking for myself, when I've been happy, well-adjusted (relatively speaking), productive and goal-oriented, my weight has not been an issue. While lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my son for the past 13 years and to have been there for his every need and special moment, the trade-off was crushing isolation and a diminution of all the qualities I liked about myself - things that I had never anticipated in my widlest dreams (or nightmares). I allowed my entire identity to be swallowed whole (interesting choice of words, n'est ce pas?) and have come out the other side lacking any semblance of a career, marketable skills, a strong self of sense or confidence in the ability to jump back into the mainstream of thinking and doing people. And so as I go casting about for my second act, albeit with greatly diminished coping skills and faith in myself, I find that my body absolutely reflects the chaos and crises of my life at this moment and all the "growing" years leading up to it.

I love being my son's mom but the experience did not and does not fulfill me on every level of my being. It was not everything I needed for myself to thrive. I expect that outward picture of myself to change as I try to pick up where I left off and get on with the business of enjoying life again. I predict it will be an inside-out progression as I discovered new ways of finding my place in the world again and how I will contribute.