The silver lining to all this crummy weather in New England is that it really has cut down on trips to the beach. This is important because I still haven't found a bathing suit yet. I've been to the store 3 times and all my little underwire-requiring friends have beat me to the punch. There are no supportive bathing suits on the racks anymore. Don't get me wrong - I've found some shelf-bra ones that fit - it's just that they make Ethel and Lucy look like they're on a roadtrip to Australia - waaaaaay down under.
I've ordered a few from some online catalogs where I've had luck before - until now. Their newest "look 10 punds thinner" special was made of some high tech/low sheen material that squeezed me so tightly I looked like a human speed bump; not to mention severely limiting the life-enabling function known as breathing. Ethel and Lucy were pushed to parts unknown and more importantly, became unidentifiable. Underwire bathing suits are harder to find than nuclear grade plutonium - and probably even more expensive. And yet I'm waiting on another delivery from an online order. Maybe this time......
What ever happened to the bathing suits of days gone by? The bathing suits my grandmother and her friends used to wear? Let me tell you, those ladies in their suits (and let's not forget bathing caps) were locked and loaded. Absent a little duct tape, their torsos were absolute hostages to these suits - and yet they looked like a million bucks and were able to move freely about without some body part breaking free of its restraint (and we all know what I'm talking about here). Those were the days when underwear was underwear and they called the store departments that housed them "Foundations" - not some frenchie-pierre, pouffy moniker like "Lingerie". Those were the days when "Foundations" meant just what it said: underwear and bathing suits with structural integrity incoporating elements such as buttresses, steel girders and load-bearing walls. Okay - so bending at the waist was not exactly an option but that's what grandchildren were for: to fetch and attend to anything below the waist.
The irony is that even once I find an acceptable bathing suit, I'll hate the way I look in it so much that I'll always be wearing a cover-up and never go into the water anyway. But such is summertime in a plus-size body. I've no one to blame but myself and no one to fix it but myself. Such exercises in humility and futility should act as motivation to do better by this time next year.
I've ordered a few from some online catalogs where I've had luck before - until now. Their newest "look 10 punds thinner" special was made of some high tech/low sheen material that squeezed me so tightly I looked like a human speed bump; not to mention severely limiting the life-enabling function known as breathing. Ethel and Lucy were pushed to parts unknown and more importantly, became unidentifiable. Underwire bathing suits are harder to find than nuclear grade plutonium - and probably even more expensive. And yet I'm waiting on another delivery from an online order. Maybe this time......
What ever happened to the bathing suits of days gone by? The bathing suits my grandmother and her friends used to wear? Let me tell you, those ladies in their suits (and let's not forget bathing caps) were locked and loaded. Absent a little duct tape, their torsos were absolute hostages to these suits - and yet they looked like a million bucks and were able to move freely about without some body part breaking free of its restraint (and we all know what I'm talking about here). Those were the days when underwear was underwear and they called the store departments that housed them "Foundations" - not some frenchie-pierre, pouffy moniker like "Lingerie". Those were the days when "Foundations" meant just what it said: underwear and bathing suits with structural integrity incoporating elements such as buttresses, steel girders and load-bearing walls. Okay - so bending at the waist was not exactly an option but that's what grandchildren were for: to fetch and attend to anything below the waist.
The irony is that even once I find an acceptable bathing suit, I'll hate the way I look in it so much that I'll always be wearing a cover-up and never go into the water anyway. But such is summertime in a plus-size body. I've no one to blame but myself and no one to fix it but myself. Such exercises in humility and futility should act as motivation to do better by this time next year.
(Disclaimer: My grandmother was NOT Marilyn Monroe or even a near facsimile.)
16 comments:
Kudos to you for even considering a bathing suit. I am so NOT at that point yet. :)
After the bra lecture yesterday at lunch, I know all about "foundations".
Good luck with the search.
Usually I have luck with underwire bathing suits through Lands End. They are expensive though but worth it to have that support.
Lucy and Ethyl....hehe... or would that be she she!
mine are just called "the girls"...nuff said!
I've been coveting the suits from Esther Williams Swimwear- they seem to feature all the qualities you remember about the bathing suits of yore!
http://esther-williams.com/categories.php
Their "classic sheath" is a very much like the suit that Marilyn's wearing.
(I also wanted to mention how much I love your blog- once I discovered it I had to read the entire archives.)
We had a dissimilar problem in finding a bathing suit for my 13 year old - anything that was sized small enough to fit her was a super skimpy bikini and everything else was way too big. Don't small people want one-piece bathing suits too?? It took us 5 stores to find one that is really too big for her and makes her look like she's dropped a load every time she gets out of the pool - frustrating! Personally, I think a less revealing bathing suit is more attractive than a nothing-barred few pieces of thread.
I hope the newest bathing suit order will be "the one" :) You are too funny Gigi!
Where are you ordering your suits from? I will need one in Oct/Nov for Hawaii, but don't dare buy one now. Of course they will be gone from the stores by then...kudos to you for having the courage to try them on! I can't bring myself to do that yet.
I haven't liked wearing a bathing suit since I was 14. And this morning, after reading what Camevil has to endure to wear one, I am not going to ever wear one again! shorts and a tank top for me, forevermore.
I truly and deeply dread the summer for this very reason. I cannot stand wearing a bathing suit or shorts. I am so incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable.
But - now that I have two kids, I just can't go without a bathing suit. So I suffer in silence, lol.
Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, lol. Although I don't have a problem with "the girls". I'm one of the few fat chicks with small boobs!
Toooootally am with you on the bathing suit nightmare....
It is ridiculously hard to find something that fits if you're not a size 0.
Probably why i haven't worn a bathing suit more than 3 times in the last 10 years....
The term "Foundations" always scared me. I think you totally captured why, with talk of steel girders and load-bearing walls. It always sounded so architectural and uncomforatble!
But then "Lingerie" sounds kind of whorey. I guess they can't just call it the Underwear Department because that's too straightforward and embarrassing.
Just wondering... what do they call that department in the Men's section? It surely can't be lingerie or foundations.
I KNOW!
the ole Esther Williams thing was pretty cool looking *and* skirted.
why can we bring that all back?
(except for the swimcaps and nose plugs. Ill pass on the noseplugs).
MizFit
I despise bathing suit shopping. It's a pain in the butt. I have to start months in advance to find one!
And just look how chunky Marilyn looks. She was definitely not a twiggy model!
Path to Health
I wish those pantaloon-style ones would come back in fashion - I'd even wear a matching bob-cap!
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