I saw a movie a couple of weeks ago and the female lead closely resembled a once-close friend of mine so I decided to Google her to see what she was up to. And man oh man, she's doing great, which I am actually very happy about (who says all women are catty?). She was always a hard worker, had boundless energy and was very passionate about a variety of things. We were both single and lived next door to each other in Boston's North End neighborhood. Among other things we had in common was also the fact of being just a little bit overweight -say 10 or 15 pounds - which is just what I love in a best friend. It was one of the many things we joked about during our friendship along with our jobs, our families and the dearth of decent men.
She moved to Europe after marrying her husband and lived there for the next 10 or so years. We stayed in touch until she moved back to New England after divorcing her husband and I thought we could renew our friendship, even though we were about 45 minutes apart from each other. But it didn't happen that way, to my regret. I made efforts to call and get together but she was just too busy - a single working mother of two - whew! I did get a Christmas card a couple of years later that included her wedding photo as she had remarried. Again, I tried to get together but it was not reciprocated and so I reluctantly let it go. I know you're all probably thinking Jennifer Jason Leigh in "Single White Female" by now but I just really missed her friendship.
So anyway, the Googling found that she has an awesome job, has an awesome figure, an awesome new husband and family, awesome hobbies and lives in an awesome town. Yes, yes - I know. I should never look back and I should never compare myself to somebody else. Okay - some rules are made to be broken and I took it upon myself to break these two if only to figure something out: how is it that our lives took such different trajectories when we both started off in pretty much the same place? How did I get to this place of my weight running my life and emotions? How did I get so off track?
I think all the trouble started when I decided to become a stay-at-home mom. I was under the illusion that all the other moms and I would bond so well and our kids would play and grow up together and we'd all live happily ever after. Hello? Rude awakening - party of one? Perhaps it was just dumb luck that landed me in this particular snake-pit of a neighborhood but I had no idea that mothering had turned into such a competitive sport. These women were absolute beasts! And my son being an only child made it that much easier for them to isolate him from the others and make our lives a living hell. I started having panic attacks, found that I had no support from those who should've had my back, and went on antidepressants. The next 35 pounds were mostly courtesy of the meds but I helped out in any way possible - eating for comfort and companionship - and found that I had stacked on an overall extra 75 pounds since my wedding!
We moved out of Hell four years ago and have wonderful neighbors now, but all their kids are grown so the little man has no one to play with here either. But we're all happier and I'm off the meds - except for the occasional panic pill. It got me wondering though - what's your story on how you got to this place of extra poundage? Can you pin it down to any particular event in your life? Do you feel like sharing? If so, please weigh in.
10 comments:
Sadly, I can pinpoint the reasons! Childhood. Perfectionist parents, overbearing abusive father. The list goes on. But it wasn't until I had our first child that all of this came to the surface and I began eating out of loneliness. We moved away from home when I was 3 mo. pregnant to a town where no one gave a damn about newcomers. All alone, my husband traveled, pregnant and miserable. Food became my only friend. Always referred to it as "baby fat", but it was so much more. I know how you can feel isolated and alone among a bunch of other people. I'm having a little of a re-run with some of these issues right now. We've just moved to a new state after living in the same house, and raising our kids in that house. After 25 years in the same place, at our age, it is not easy to find groups of people that want to hang out with new folks, especially when you are a bit older.
Oh wah, wah, wah, I've gone on long enough. We'll do just fine. I'm working hard at it, and so are you. :)
I've had a lifelong unhealthy relationship with food that I'm finally coming to grips with.
I blame some of my problems on stupidity, some on not knowing any better, some on feeling sorry for myself.
Whatever the reasons, I've put them behind me and am forging a new future for myself. It's rarefied air, let me tell ya.
Nice post.
I blame lack of self-control...I see Taco Bell, I want Taco Bell, I get Taco Bell. Repeat ad infinitum.
Sorry you had such crummy neighbors - people can just suck sometimes!
Wow Gigi, in many ways you remind me of my sister. She dealt with some of the same issues as you...caring so much about the welfare of your child and the people around him, weight gain from meds, and having a hard time finding other moms that she didn't have to be in competition with.
My weight gain was just a sequence of mini-events. I started staying home a few years ago after working since the age of 13 because I was tired. Not just physically tired, but mentally tired of pretending I still wanted a career when I just wanted to be a housewife. But during my adjustment period, I felt lots of guilt for not "being productive", and frankly I wasn't sure what to do with my days sometimes, so I ate and put on 10 pounds. Then I quit smoking, and I put on 10 more. Then I started trying diets and low carb eating, but not really...and adding good fats to be healthy, but not eliminating enough calories in other places, and gained 10 more.
I have always had to watch my weight. And if I would have ever had the change to experience pregnancy, I think I would have had a terrible time shedding those pounds. I am so impressed with people that lose that weight, no matter how long it takes, while raising a child and dealing with the snacks, pb&j, and birthday cakes.
I'm brain-dumping, aren't I? Back on track... I'm glad you got out of hell, and you and the guys are in a happier place! But if it turns in to hell again, the house next to me is for sale...can you come live there??? Please!! :-)
Mine started when I married my first husband - I was TOO young, only 18, and my husband and I were not well suited at all. I was also a stay-at-home mom and it was a very lonely and unhappy time in my life. I then divorced, lost a bunch of weight, then remarried and gained it all back. I think if I had stayed single I would still be thin - but maybe not. My husband and I are both obese and we love to eat. And I again live an isolated lifestyle because now I work from home. The fridge is just too darned close!
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I felt like I was reading my own history! I've always had a problem with food even when I was skinny, but it was never a problem because I was an exercise addict and I had fast metabolism. It all changed once I got on the antidepressants about 8 years ago. I gained 65 pounds in less than a year and the need to exercise was no longer there. The medication took away my drive to exercise and be healthy.
I got off the meds 4 years ago, went on Weight Watchers lost 20 lbs and having trouble losing the other extra weight. I don't want to be the size I was before because apparently every one thought I was too skinny and when I look at pictures, I realize they're right! My goal is just to lose 30 lbs, easier said than done!
I can pinpoint it. My son was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis in 1997 and ended up in the hospital several times over the next few years. He went through SO much, had a serious surgery and in 2001, the docs told us they weren't sure he would live out the year because of a certain difficult to fight bacteria in his lungs. He's now 19 and hasn't been in the hospital for over 2 years! (Thank you, Lord!) But he is still on IV antibiotics at home and needs overnight tube feeds and daily breathing treatments. I finally realized that to help care for him, I need to take care of myself and get healthy, not use the stress as an excuse to stay fat!
I had gone vegetarian a few years before that, quit coffee and Coke and started drinking tons of water. My skin cleared up, I felt SOOOO much better and lost quite a bit of weight. But then I let the stress take over my life.
I started walking at first, I think it was about four years ago. I lost a little weight - slowly - but lost a couple sizes in my clothes. Plateaued for a LONG time, so decided to change my eating. Joined some challenges on blogs, but was still very slow to lose. Over the winter I gained back 10lbs and in Feb, I decided enough! Bought The Flat Belly Diet book and started that Feb 9th and followed their meal plan pretty well for 32 days. I continue to incorporate those rules; Four 400 calorie meals a day, go no more than 4 hours between meals, eat a MUFA at every meal. I've lost 20 pounds since starting the Flat Belly Diet (50 total since starting four years ago) and want to lose another 10 or 15lb. I want to make healthy eating and exercise a lifelong habit. :-)
It's hard to lose track of good friends. Since I was in the AF and then followed hubby around the world when I got out, there are a lot of friends I adore whom I no longer hear from. I tried keeping in touch with Christmas cards and such, but usually come to a point where I'm getting them returned with no forwarding address. :-P
Path to Health
Hi, I just came across your blog and think it's great!
I am still thinking through how I really got to where I am now, but your post about being a stay-at-home mom really hit home. I became one 3 years ago, and it has been really tough for me as well. We moved to this area less than a year before I had my first baby, and I never really got a chance to make friends.
Through a "mommy & me" class i've met some nice women, but they don't live nearby, so I'm pretty much on my own in my neighborhood. I'm SO looking forward to moving one day!
Mine have definitely come from not being aware, from burying my head in the sand around emotional issues. Didn't want to look at them and so didn't want to look at my body either. And from there it was just really hard to gain momentum.
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