I Still Don't Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up...But It Sure Ain't This

One of the best pieces of advice I got from a nutritionist whose time and expertise I completely wasted not so long ago was that when the emotional urge to eat hits me (it is the sudden craving that signals emotional hunger versus the slower, oncoming train version of physical hunger), I should "sit with my emotions" instead of acting on this hunger impulse. This concept goes against everything I have been doing for my entire adult life - but then again, one look in the mirror tells me that my current behavior needs serious revision. Perhaps there is some merit in what she says.

I'm no member of Mensa but I am smart enough to know that losing weight can be as easy as eating less and exercising more. But then there's that sixth toe of emotional hunger that I know I have but am reluctant to acknowledge. When (and if) I stop myself to consider whether I'm really physically hungry and the answer comes back no, then I really am forced to stop and wonder what is driving me. Food and the act of eating have become real comfort for me. And when I eat without thinking I am just fast-forwarding past these emotions that need to be confronted.

Forgive me while I go all psycho-babble here for a minute but for me, I think it all started revolving around my need to feel secure. When I was 1, my mother became very ill and my sibs and I were sent to live with another family for months. I gotta think that impacts a little kid pretty hard. Then when I was at the advanced age of 5, my parents thought I was becoming too dependent on my security blanket and took it away during naptime one day; never to be seen again. I remember exactly where I was and how hard I cried. Now that I'm 50 and have been forcing myself to take a really long hard look at myself (mercifully, no mirrors were involved, abused or injured during this process), I have discovered that in order for me to satisfy this need for security, I became a people pleaser. There was a great deal of comfort in people liking me and I was really good at it. But I spent so much time figuring out what other people wanted that I never stopped to figure out my own needs and desires. I never mapped out a life plan or set goals for myself. And so now I'm starting to do all the thinking I should've done in my 20's when I was simply flying on auto-pilot. Auto-pilot's great until it's time to land and then someone with experience has simply got to take over. Who knew I'd actually be held responsible for living my own life one day?!

Okay, okay...so I've been circling the airport for 30 years (I may be low on self-esteem and life plans but I do have a ton of stamina!) and it's time to land this thing. Problem is I'm at the wrong airport. Shit. It's just one goddamn thing after another, isn't it? I am a wife and a mother and have not held a professional-level job since the 90's. Some of this is good but most of it isn't. While I love being available to my son 24/7, I have sacrificed a lot by being out of the adult world (and by adults, I don't necessarily include other stay-at-home moms - much too big of a topic to go into now). The isolation is crushing. My interpersonal skills are limited to school administration, store clerks and other moms (way too many of the alpha dog variety) - none of these categories being my strong suit. So I've begun taking stock of my strengths (I do have some) and am forming some ideas about what I want to be when I grow up...but fat, underemployed and unhappy with my current station in life ain't it. I am less about pleasing others now and thinking about pleasing myself. It seems so selfish to the old people-pleasing gal of my past but it's exactly what I need to do for the rest of my life. This much, at least, I've figured out.