Okay, so 2 days into this and I'm already feeling like I've lost before I've really begun to fight. This has plagued me for years and really sabotaged my efforts. I give up way too soon instead of pushing onward. And then I start calling myself a loser and engage in some really loser-ly behavior. I have already been a teenager and thank you very much, don't need another dose of that.
What got me started down this road was weighing myself this morning. I have decided to weigh myself every Friday - the usual end of the week. A payday of sorts if I've done everything right. So after two days of not exercising and having a mondo plate of mac and cheese last night, my weight was UP! What did I expect? Of course I, like the rest of this entitled generation of mine, expected something after doing nothing. Of course my weight was up - I didn't do the right things - or I should say all of the right things. I did continue to mark everything down in my food journal even though last night I caught myself going into a spiral.
Thursdays are the days when I travel 1 1/2 hours each way to visit my mother who has Alzheimers. We spend some time together and then I must be back to pick up my son at school or camp. He's too young to be left to his own devices. Thursdays usually leave me feeling depleted after seeing my once vibrant mother suffering the cruelties of this horrible disease.
But yesterday I got beaten down a little bit more than usual and resorted to some very old comforting techniques - turning to food to soothe me. A phone call the night before from a card carrying member of the overly entitled generation to inform me that my kid was beating up his kid (not true) at summer camp got me really riled. This arrogant jerk - and his kid, it appears - have much to learn about respecting and operating within boundaries and I told him so. Take it up with the couselor in the morning and don't ever call here again! Jerk! (Upon review, the camp backed up my son and Mr. A-hole's son was noticably absent. Way to set an example for A-hole Junior, pal.) Don't worry - I'm not holding my breath for an apology. But after the whole thing was over (don't worry - I know it's not really over - it's never really over with people like this) I still felt beaten down and deserving of a treat.
Old habits die hard I guess. But I must learn to lighten up on myself. It's not like I befriended a nazi or beat up a puppy. I made some bad food choices and must recognize it for what it is - nothing more and nothing less. And most important of all, I must not use the regret over those decisions as an excuse to give up. I must use those mistakes to learn.
One bad number on a scale is not going to ruin my day. Neither is some helicopter parent who thinks he's the smartest guy in the room and the rest of us have so much to learn from him. I seldom feel that any day is "ruined". I can always find some redeeming part of a bad day. The power of positive thinking. It's what I allow myself to think and be controlled by - and that is very much within my power. Loved ones will get sick - I can't control that. People will be jerks - can't control that either. I will continue to try to make the best decisions for myself - something else I can control. But if I screw up, it's on me. But I'll try to keep it in perspective.
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