Inside Out

The cold weather persists and I am clammering to get outside again soon...but not today. So much time indoors always makes me think about things too much. Things I'd rather not think about but idle hands, devil's workshop, yadda yadda yadda - you know the rest.

The most recent object of my wandering attention has focused on the disconnect between the person I feel I am inside versus the one I am projecting to the rest of the world. I like to think of myself as kind, loyal, strong, funny and a little bit shy until I get to know you better. But I don't think that's what I'm projecting - I think I come across as aloof instead of shy, a people-pleaser instead of kind, territorial versus loyal, and pushy instead of strong. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think but it's more the disconnected feeling that's causing me grief. I often don't feel like an "authentic" person even though my intentions are good. And I certainly don't feel as fat on the inside as I am on the outside.

I'm probably overthinking this but sometimes it really throws me off kilter and undermines my self-confidence. I am trying to get myself in a more positive mindset to lose this weight but then the self-doubt starts creeping in from this negative personal feedback and before I know it, I am giving myself all kinds of permission to fall off the wagon. Vicious cycle completed.

Does anybody else have this sense of disconnect and resulting self-sabotage or is it just me? So many of us think we're all alone with a problem when others are often in the same boat .... so am I rowing by myself or on the deck of the QE2?