Profiles in Procrastination - Part Deux

I think I've narrowed down part of the the reason for my procrastination from my previous post. When I wrote it I was very cranked up about something I had worked very hard at that was about to come to fruition...and I think I was scared, believe it or not. I think - no, I know - that I am capable of doing so much more with my life than I've done up to this point and now that I'm forcing myself to go outside of my comfort zone to prove that I actually CAN do more, it's like the underachiever in me is screaming, "Not so fast!"

My confession du jour is that I have been a chronic underachiever for most of my life but have always gotten away with it given that my younger years were safely confined to a well-worn path of school, dating, career, marriage, motherhood. I can really kick ass at the routine stuff. However, once I turned 50 and asked myself what had I accomplished lately, the silence was deafening. (Insert cricket noise here.) And so I set some goals for myself that are scary but shouldn't be. I think I feel afraid because I'm in unchartered waters - which is very foreign to me. Nobody is out in front showing me the way - I am leading instead of following and that is something I am VERY unaccustomed to doing. I haven't taken a risk in a very long time, unlike In my 20's and 30's when I used to travel by myself, supported myself and even performed stand-up comedy. I've lost a lot of faith in myself over the years and I don't quite know how it happened. I think a big part of it was the isolation of being a stay-at-home mom in some very unfriendly environs. In any event, I am trying to bring myself back to life again but sometimes wind up scaring myself to death in doing so.

Procrastination has been such a security blanket for me but it has not served me well. I have learned over these past few days that when I find myself holding back, that is precisely the time I should be pushing forward. The old habits are hard to break but how else do we grow? Just call me Yoda. "Do you must. There is no try."

I'll Get To It....

I am a world champion procrastinator and am in tip-top form this morning. I have a ton of things to do and can feel the anxiety building as I continue to put them off. I am capable of accomplishing each and every one of those things on my to-do list and yet am hesitating at getting started; even though I feel more anxious with each passing minute. Of course, working out is on the list too. And the weird part is that I know I'll feel so much better once I've cleared even a little bit off the decks - that sense of accomplishment and being productive is SOOOO satisfying. So why don't I "just do it"? I've got no answers. It's a rainy Monday but I sure could brighten it up but getting all this stuff done. Maybe it's time to switch back to high octane coffee.

Does anybody else have this problem and if so, what gets you back on track? Inquiring minds want to know.

Don't Go There

As I was sitting yesterday I noticed how big my belly was and automatically started pounding on myself about just how big it was. "How am I ever going to lose this thing? It's impossible. I can't do this. It's a waste of time to try....." You all probably know how this winds up: you get that negative beat going on in your head and soon it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But yesterday I caught myself before it all started rolling downhill. I reminded myself that from my high of 229, that belly is actually much smaller than it used to be. Sure, it's got a ways to go but I felt relieved that some progress had already been made - I just needed to think of the more positive stuff than going in the other direction.

Some good news - a small loss down to 205.4 this morning. I still want to lose that 5.4 before Mother's Day. Can do!

"Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Stop Sniffing Glue"

That line was of course delivered by the very funny Lloyd Bridges in the 1980 movie, "Airplane!". He played an airport executive/former pilot who in one day was faced with one catastrophe after another, causing him to revert back to a number of not so healthy coping devices. Sniffing glue was his, eating is mine and oh mama, did I pick the wrong week to give up eating junk.

There's not much new here. It was just your average Murphy's Law week in which everything that could go wrong, did - and at the worst possible moment. The good news is that we didn't wind up on the 6:00 news. I will spare you all the ugly details - and they were very ugly as a teenager and his hormones were involved - but the short version is that I was SO distressed by it all that I too fell back into my old habits and dove face-first into the highest calorie coping mechanism I could find. Sure - I've posted comments on plenty of your blogs when you had similar set-backs about how you all should be removing dangerous foods from your homes and getting yourselves out of the kitchen while you "sit" with your feelings and now I'm eating some real crow here on top of all those other naughty foods. The thing I've always assumed was that the person doing the indulging was in their right mind, which is not something I should always assume as I can tell you that I was hands-down engaged in the most mindless eating in recent memory - just doing anything to feel something other than the reality of the moment. After all, how can you talk someone off a cliff if they've already jumped? And that was me for most of this week.

Now that the teenager is off on a weekend camp-out (pity the poor wild animals nearby), I can heal the enormous hole in my head and return to some level of sanity. They don't call it "mindless eating" for nothing - and now I know why.

The Tangled Web

I thought this was going to be my big break-through year. And it probably still can be but some strong headwinds have developed that are going to make the journey harder than I thought. I mentioned last week about the horrible panic attacks I've been having - almost a daily occurence these past few weeks which has never been the pattern before. A couple of days ago my doctor's office calls and tells me that my thyroid is overactive and I need to cut back on my meds for it and they give me a new regimen. Then from some random readings I discovered that an overactive thyroid can trigger panic and soy (which I've been substituting for milk due to allergies) can interfere with thyroid function. Sounds like I need to address all these issues with just ONE doctor.

You'd think with a slightly overactive thyroid that the pounds would just be melting off. Well, you'd be wrong. I have been faithful about walking every day but admit to more pasta indulgences than were good for me. That, and I guess I haven't been drinking enough water. I am still stuck around 206 - give or take 1/2 pound - and it's very frustrating. I will talk to my doctor and try to get everything straightened out. And I'm holding on very tightly to my sense of humor - but it ain't easy.

Peek-a-Boo...I Don't See You

I've heard lots of talk about these online social networking sites and decided to sign up with one. Being the total techno-idiot that I am, it took me quite a while to figure how things worked but I'm at the functional level now. I think.

Anyway, I touched base with some old friends and acquaintances and as happy as I was to hear from them again, they've all asked the same thing: when are you going to post your picture? And so on Friday I spent the better part of an hour trying to photograph myself without success. The camera worked fine. The subject -well, she/I could not find the best angle because it seemed there wasn't one to find. I was more than a little bummed at what the pictures revealed. The gray hair and some lines were okay but the extra weight just could not be disguised. I actually had in my head a much better image than appeared in real time.

And to make matters worse, I came across my first love's wife's photo. And she is cute and perky and stylish and.....THIN. And only a year younger than I am. This killed me. And she looked so f-ing happy. I wanted so badly to post a fab photo of my own but that is still many, many pounds away. And then I started thinking about "what could've been....." and started wallowing in all my mid-life muck. Ugh! (Sorry - I did hope to warn everyone with the word "wallowing".)

Everybody else always looks so happy in their pictures and I feel so miserable not being able to find just ONE decent picture. And honestly? Are all these people really as happy as they look or are they just better at faking it?

Self Help

Not much going on but yesterday was one of those thoughtful days where I did practically nothing but concentrate on how to improve my circumstances. As I mentioned previously my weight loss, altho slow and steady to begin with, has stalled. I took a long hard look at what I've been eating and discovered some things I could do better on. Given my yeast allergy I had to find a substitute for bread because I love me my sandwiches. And I did - wraps! They are a pretty good substitute except that I noticed each one is 220 calories - not so good. So I decided to use only half. Also, my favorite substitute snack has become potato chips and how true it is that no one can eat just one...... hundred. As with any good thing I've overindulged and am cutting way back on the chips. I can feel a difference already.

I've also been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I started having them back in 2002 and went on anti-depressants - which really helped smooth out the bumps for me. Except that after 3 years of taking them my weight had ballooned to 229 pounds (a 35 pound increase) and so I weaned myself off them - which believe me, was no easy task. Quitting cigarettes was about comparable. My doctor has since prescribed some "panic pills" for me that I take only as needed and they haven't interferred with my weight loss. But the panic attacks are coming more frequently and with greater intensity. My readings on the topic of panic suggest that I am refusing to acknowledge something very elemental which must be confronted in my life. And so yesterday I also wrote a very long and detailed entry in my personal journal about the things I consider to be some of the root causes. And I felt better even though nothing was resolved and probably won't be for a while but because I've put everything down on paper and am starting the process of facing the facts that need to be faced. I am still very uncertain as to how things will settle out and don't know if I possess the courage to take them on. Time will tell.