I saw a movie a couple of weeks ago and the female lead closely resembled a once-close friend of mine so I decided to Google her to see what she was up to. And man oh man, she's doing great, which I am actually very happy about (who says all women are catty?). She was always a hard worker, had boundless energy and was very passionate about a variety of things. We were both single and lived next door to each other in Boston's North End neighborhood. Among other things we had in common was also the fact of being just a little bit overweight -say 10 or 15 pounds - which is just what I love in a best friend. It was one of the many things we joked about during our friendship along with our jobs, our families and the dearth of decent men.
She moved to Europe after marrying her husband and lived there for the next 10 or so years. We stayed in touch until she moved back to New England after divorcing her husband and I thought we could renew our friendship, even though we were about 45 minutes apart from each other. But it didn't happen that way, to my regret. I made efforts to call and get together but she was just too busy - a single working mother of two - whew! I did get a Christmas card a couple of years later that included her wedding photo as she had remarried. Again, I tried to get together but it was not reciprocated and so I reluctantly let it go. I know you're all probably thinking Jennifer Jason Leigh in "Single White Female" by now but I just really missed her friendship.
So anyway, the Googling found that she has an awesome job, has an awesome figure, an awesome new husband and family, awesome hobbies and lives in an awesome town. Yes, yes - I know. I should never look back and I should never compare myself to somebody else. Okay - some rules are made to be broken and I took it upon myself to break these two if only to figure something out: how is it that our lives took such different trajectories when we both started off in pretty much the same place? How did I get to this place of my weight running my life and emotions? How did I get so off track?
I think all the trouble started when I decided to become a stay-at-home mom. I was under the illusion that all the other moms and I would bond so well and our kids would play and grow up together and we'd all live happily ever after. Hello? Rude awakening - party of one? Perhaps it was just dumb luck that landed me in this particular snake-pit of a neighborhood but I had no idea that mothering had turned into such a competitive sport. These women were absolute beasts! And my son being an only child made it that much easier for them to isolate him from the others and make our lives a living hell. I started having panic attacks, found that I had no support from those who should've had my back, and went on antidepressants. The next 35 pounds were mostly courtesy of the meds but I helped out in any way possible - eating for comfort and companionship - and found that I had stacked on an overall extra 75 pounds since my wedding!
We moved out of Hell four years ago and have wonderful neighbors now, but all their kids are grown so the little man has no one to play with here either. But we're all happier and I'm off the meds - except for the occasional panic pill. It got me wondering though - what's your story on how you got to this place of extra poundage? Can you pin it down to any particular event in your life? Do you feel like sharing? If so, please weigh in.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Walk This Way
A small victory of sorts to report today. I had to get a new pair of sneakers because the old pair is actually almost worn out from use (notice I do not disclose how long it took me to wear them out but I digress). Imagine that - wearing out a pair of sneaks with the added bonus of the inner thigh seam of all my exercise pants still intact! Okay, but that's still not the best part. In the past, whenever I put on my sneaks I would always have to put my foot on a chair to tie them because bending over to do it was seriously interfering with the breathing process - and we all know that pretty much every death is caused by shortness of breath. But today I was able to bend over and tie the new sneaks without benefit of a separate staging area. Yay, me! I felt so good about it that I bought myself a cute pair of black strappy sandals too - which I sincerely doubt I'll wear out but it should be fun trying.
Note to self: enjoy the small victory but don't get so cocky about it that you completely blow off all the stuff that got you here.
Note to self: enjoy the small victory but don't get so cocky about it that you completely blow off all the stuff that got you here.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Bitch Whisperer
You've heard of the Ghost Whisperer and the Dog Whisperer? People who have some special frequency through which they channel their respective subjects? Well, meet me - the bitch whisperer - channeler of bitches of all shapes and sizes - from fellow bridesmaids to Filene's basement shoppers to playdate moms - I've handled them all and with a smile on my face. Going along to get along, right? And as a former saleswoman in the investments arena - well let's just say some of those gals raised it to an art form. But seeing as it's still a huge old boys' network, I'm cutting my former associates and clients mucho slack as that's often what it takes to stay with the Wall Street pack.
But it's time to put aside using my talents in the outside world. The older I get the more obvious it becomes that I no longer care to placate this territory-marking crowd. I've finally figured out that the only payoff here is THEIR satisfaction and in my life, that just won't do; especially when I'm the one who winds up cleaning up after them to further ingratiate myself to them. The bitch I'm channeling now is ME. That's right - ME! No more people-pleasing, no more trying to do for others so that they'll like me (especially the queen size me), no more looking for others' approval to help elevate my own self worth, no more putting others before me. I've finally gotten in touch with my inner bitch and it feels great!!
Now I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer here but it's important to know that only we are our own best source of encouragement and comfort and love - because if we're still looking to others for it and it never comes, then it often feels that there aren't grocery stores big enough to handle the load of comfort that we want to stuff in our shopping carriages. As a former broker, my advice in this situation would be to buy Hostess and sell yourself short because you know that's what always happens.
Yes, yes - you're so perceptive, my friends. There was an incident on Mother's Day that inspired this post but this time I have turned it into something positive - putting myself first....at last!!! I know this new attitude will result in me being called a bitch by my old pack. So be it. That's their problem to deal with - not mine.
On a brighter note, Hubby and Son couldn't have been sweeter this weekend. They bought me a baby weeping cherry tree and every Mother's Day I will take a picture next to it with my son. And as they both grow over the years I intend on doing the reverse - physically, at least.
Hope you all had a great weekend. Happy Monday!
But it's time to put aside using my talents in the outside world. The older I get the more obvious it becomes that I no longer care to placate this territory-marking crowd. I've finally figured out that the only payoff here is THEIR satisfaction and in my life, that just won't do; especially when I'm the one who winds up cleaning up after them to further ingratiate myself to them. The bitch I'm channeling now is ME. That's right - ME! No more people-pleasing, no more trying to do for others so that they'll like me (especially the queen size me), no more looking for others' approval to help elevate my own self worth, no more putting others before me. I've finally gotten in touch with my inner bitch and it feels great!!
Now I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer here but it's important to know that only we are our own best source of encouragement and comfort and love - because if we're still looking to others for it and it never comes, then it often feels that there aren't grocery stores big enough to handle the load of comfort that we want to stuff in our shopping carriages. As a former broker, my advice in this situation would be to buy Hostess and sell yourself short because you know that's what always happens.
Yes, yes - you're so perceptive, my friends. There was an incident on Mother's Day that inspired this post but this time I have turned it into something positive - putting myself first....at last!!! I know this new attitude will result in me being called a bitch by my old pack. So be it. That's their problem to deal with - not mine.
On a brighter note, Hubby and Son couldn't have been sweeter this weekend. They bought me a baby weeping cherry tree and every Mother's Day I will take a picture next to it with my son. And as they both grow over the years I intend on doing the reverse - physically, at least.
Hope you all had a great weekend. Happy Monday!
Friday, May 8, 2009
One At A Time Please
Yes, that's just what I heard the scale saying to me this morning - one at a time. I haven't worked out in just about 3 weeks due to poison ivy and now that it's almost completely cleared up I thought it was time to get back on the horse/scale and work towards my goal again. I thought the number was going to be worse but this was bad enough. There was nothing I could do about it so I'm just going to reset my attitude and start plowing forward again.
While on hiatus (makes me sound like a movie star, huh?) I did slack off plenty in the healthy food department too. In terms of snacks, I will generally get something the teenager likes but me, not so much. Who needs the extra temptation? But this past week I bought Oreos, which everyone loves. We burn through Oreos like hookers through Shalimar. (Not a pretty picture in either regard and I apologize if you're still drinking your coffee and feel the heaves coming on.) I won't be joining the gym just yet - I'm still not moving at full throttle. I am working on my yard again and that gives me a lot of happiness - to get dirty and sweaty and have a good time at it (you'll notice the yard gets me hot but no mention of a man - oh, I am out of whack these days).
I am trying to start out on a positive note but am already in a very pissy mood. This is because we had some work done on the house yesterday - venting problems in the attic. So as happens when you hire others to do what you wish you could do yourself, some of the work was done wrong and sloppy and has already been paid for. In addition there was the "over-thinking it" factor in which a POWER vent fan was installed and it's on now with that low rumbling vibration that makes me feel like I'm on the median of I-95. Grrrrr - I've got a little venting to do myself here.
That's enough griping for now. I hope everyone has a great weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all you moms. You deserve all the accolades for a hard job done well.
While on hiatus (makes me sound like a movie star, huh?) I did slack off plenty in the healthy food department too. In terms of snacks, I will generally get something the teenager likes but me, not so much. Who needs the extra temptation? But this past week I bought Oreos, which everyone loves. We burn through Oreos like hookers through Shalimar. (Not a pretty picture in either regard and I apologize if you're still drinking your coffee and feel the heaves coming on.) I won't be joining the gym just yet - I'm still not moving at full throttle. I am working on my yard again and that gives me a lot of happiness - to get dirty and sweaty and have a good time at it (you'll notice the yard gets me hot but no mention of a man - oh, I am out of whack these days).
I am trying to start out on a positive note but am already in a very pissy mood. This is because we had some work done on the house yesterday - venting problems in the attic. So as happens when you hire others to do what you wish you could do yourself, some of the work was done wrong and sloppy and has already been paid for. In addition there was the "over-thinking it" factor in which a POWER vent fan was installed and it's on now with that low rumbling vibration that makes me feel like I'm on the median of I-95. Grrrrr - I've got a little venting to do myself here.
That's enough griping for now. I hope everyone has a great weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all you moms. You deserve all the accolades for a hard job done well.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Super Duper!
Look what I got!! (Please glance nonchalantly to the left for my prize.) It took me a couple of days to tape this Super Blogger award to my blog but persistence finally paid off. I want to thank TJ and Hollie for their kind acknowledgments and also note that I am a big fan of theirs.
The rules are that I must now tag some of my favorite blogs - altho it will be SOOOO difficult just narrowing it down to 5. Once notified by comments, the recipient should also tape the image somewhere on their blog, select 5 of their favs and then link back to whoever gave it to them. So, here are my 5 favorites - it was tough not naming them all.
1) Tina at Fat Girl Dives In: Tina's just as honest and real as they come. I look forward to her blog every day.
2) Always the Big Girl: Real life with heart and attitude. I'm also am a big fan of The Little Miss.
3) Annette at Annette's Awakening: Annette's a friend to so many of us. Her optimistic outlook and every day kindnesses always help me stay upbeat.
4) Shelley at A Forty-something's Weight Loss Journal. Shelley has lots of insights and wisdoms and comes out with some real laugh-out-loud observations. It's great fun being on this journey with her.
5) Patty at Fit By My 50th. This lady's persistence and determination help keep me motivated. She's always by your side and we all could use someone like her in our efforts.
It's great being neighbors with all of you and I'm looking forward to more encouragement and friendship in the future.
The rules are that I must now tag some of my favorite blogs - altho it will be SOOOO difficult just narrowing it down to 5. Once notified by comments, the recipient should also tape the image somewhere on their blog, select 5 of their favs and then link back to whoever gave it to them. So, here are my 5 favorites - it was tough not naming them all.
1) Tina at Fat Girl Dives In: Tina's just as honest and real as they come. I look forward to her blog every day.
2) Always the Big Girl: Real life with heart and attitude. I'm also am a big fan of The Little Miss.
3) Annette at Annette's Awakening: Annette's a friend to so many of us. Her optimistic outlook and every day kindnesses always help me stay upbeat.
4) Shelley at A Forty-something's Weight Loss Journal. Shelley has lots of insights and wisdoms and comes out with some real laugh-out-loud observations. It's great fun being on this journey with her.
5) Patty at Fit By My 50th. This lady's persistence and determination help keep me motivated. She's always by your side and we all could use someone like her in our efforts.
It's great being neighbors with all of you and I'm looking forward to more encouragement and friendship in the future.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Basement to Mezzanine
I finally got some exercise yesterday - 25 minutes on the treadmill at a blistering 2.0 mph. I had to - the varicose veins in my other leg were demanding it. No more laying about - the leg was seizing up and wanting elevation, exercise and water (altho mercifully, not all at the same time). The bad news? The t-mill motor is shot. Yes, who doesn't love that slight burning smell that makes you tick through the list of possible causes - 1) the furnace turning on (it was cold and rainy yesterday), 2) last night's tacos (urp!) or 3) the f-ing treadmill burning a hole in my berber carpet. Oh yes, it was #3.
I can't skip exercise today so it's off to the mall to return all those cool summer things I bought online thinking I was going to look like a million bucks in them. Wrong. There's an especially nasty bathing suit with straps across the back that remind me of grandma's favorite quilt. I'll be doing the rounds still in my scuffies (due to nasty healing lizard skin) but in this part of the world I shouldn't raise any red flags. In spite of my crappy mood I do think I'm in turnaround mode, having bottomed out and on the way back up. Can the new gym membership be far behind?
I can't skip exercise today so it's off to the mall to return all those cool summer things I bought online thinking I was going to look like a million bucks in them. Wrong. There's an especially nasty bathing suit with straps across the back that remind me of grandma's favorite quilt. I'll be doing the rounds still in my scuffies (due to nasty healing lizard skin) but in this part of the world I shouldn't raise any red flags. In spite of my crappy mood I do think I'm in turnaround mode, having bottomed out and on the way back up. Can the new gym membership be far behind?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Feeding Frenzy
After two long weeks of couch riding, the talking walls finally convinced me to do something about it yesterday - eat like I was going to the chair. And being of the fairly suggestible type, I agreed.
Eating out of boredom and frustration is never a pretty thing and yesterday was positively butt-ugly. Have you ever cracked open a can of frosting - not to frost a cake with but to just eat? I did. Well hell, they never give you enough in one can to actually frost an entire cake with so I guess if I tried to put a positive spin on this then I ought to say that I was just getting another 1/2 can ready for the next birthday cake I'll need to frost (which would be for MY birthday, as luck would have it). Then I followed it with a side of pasta salad. Does it matter if it was a 1/2 pint or a full one? And would using the metric system right now make my sin appear worse or less? Oh, and did I mention that the potato chips found their way into my house again? And then they found their way into my mouth? No? Well they did. And then I just looped off and on these three things for the rest of the day. I don't need a lot of variety - a simple plan will do.
If I were still in my right mind I would be appalled at my behavior but that's really a non-issue at this point. I keep telling myself that the end is in sight and soon I'll be able to work-out and do all my beloved yard work but it hasn't happened soon enough. There are plenty of non-physical things I could be doing but I'd much rather focus and all the things I can't do - it's in my DNA - I can't help it. People wouldn't recognize me if I accomplished many things without complaining and actually came close to attaining my full potential - which is a (loooong) post for another day. Slackers rule!
Eating out of boredom and frustration is never a pretty thing and yesterday was positively butt-ugly. Have you ever cracked open a can of frosting - not to frost a cake with but to just eat? I did. Well hell, they never give you enough in one can to actually frost an entire cake with so I guess if I tried to put a positive spin on this then I ought to say that I was just getting another 1/2 can ready for the next birthday cake I'll need to frost (which would be for MY birthday, as luck would have it). Then I followed it with a side of pasta salad. Does it matter if it was a 1/2 pint or a full one? And would using the metric system right now make my sin appear worse or less? Oh, and did I mention that the potato chips found their way into my house again? And then they found their way into my mouth? No? Well they did. And then I just looped off and on these three things for the rest of the day. I don't need a lot of variety - a simple plan will do.
If I were still in my right mind I would be appalled at my behavior but that's really a non-issue at this point. I keep telling myself that the end is in sight and soon I'll be able to work-out and do all my beloved yard work but it hasn't happened soon enough. There are plenty of non-physical things I could be doing but I'd much rather focus and all the things I can't do - it's in my DNA - I can't help it. People wouldn't recognize me if I accomplished many things without complaining and actually came close to attaining my full potential - which is a (loooong) post for another day. Slackers rule!
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