Oh dear, I'm at it again. In spite of a pretty good start the first 2 or 3 months of this weight loss effort, I again find myself blacked-out on the will power grid. I know that this extra weight is causing me to miss out on a lot of life and yet I continue to sabotage myself - over and over and over. When will I get it?! Granted, these past 6 days were spent in overly close proximity to loved ones who usually aren't at home, messing up my entire schedule and thought process and so today should've been a good jumping off point...but it wasn't. I was too much in a celebratory mood of having the house back to myself and shared a cup of joe with a good friend - which I thought was really important to my mental health. Still, the day is fairly young. I've joined DC's "5lbs. by Christmas" challenge in hopes of jump-starting the aforementioned power outage.
I so want this weight loss to happen - more now than ever - but am struggling with the whole self-sabotage as I continue to undermine my efforts. I feel that if I could push below the 210 mark I'd have some renewed motivation. I'll continue checking in with my blog network as they have lots of heart and help to offer.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Murphy's Law - 2.0 Version
As I've documented recently here, the stress load in ChunkyMonkeyMamaLand continues to mount. It is bordering on ridiculous. It is classic Murphy's Law: if something can go wrong, it will go wrong and at the worst possible moment. Only on speed - hence the 2.0 version. The problems continue to stack up; one never being resolved before the other one lands on my head. But this is life, as unpleasant as it is these days.
I was in bed last night going through all that I was grateful for. I especially love being in bed where my body and mind can be totally relaxed - no sucking in my stomach, no worrying about worn out inner thigh seams or jelly rolls. I can be at total peace in bed. And then my mind started going over all the problems that have hit recently and I felt the sudden weight of all those worries crash my happy slumber party. It was then I realized that I needed to turn this equation on its head. If all this negative energy can even force my physical well-being to malfunction (I'm talking panic attacks, headaches and the like), then I need to put the positive stuff in charge and let the good vibes rule. I realized that if I kept counting my Murphy's Laws instead of my blessings, I would very soon wind up wearing a jacket that ties in the back.
You can only play the cards you're dealt in life the best way you know how. No one gets to pick which cards they get. If building character is what's going on here, then so be it. It is not the amount and severity of the problems you're given that counts but how you deal with them. I'm determined not to let them take over my life and will continue to look for that silver lining. I know it's there.
I was in bed last night going through all that I was grateful for. I especially love being in bed where my body and mind can be totally relaxed - no sucking in my stomach, no worrying about worn out inner thigh seams or jelly rolls. I can be at total peace in bed. And then my mind started going over all the problems that have hit recently and I felt the sudden weight of all those worries crash my happy slumber party. It was then I realized that I needed to turn this equation on its head. If all this negative energy can even force my physical well-being to malfunction (I'm talking panic attacks, headaches and the like), then I need to put the positive stuff in charge and let the good vibes rule. I realized that if I kept counting my Murphy's Laws instead of my blessings, I would very soon wind up wearing a jacket that ties in the back.
You can only play the cards you're dealt in life the best way you know how. No one gets to pick which cards they get. If building character is what's going on here, then so be it. It is not the amount and severity of the problems you're given that counts but how you deal with them. I'm determined not to let them take over my life and will continue to look for that silver lining. I know it's there.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Mixed Blessings and Apple Pie
With all the talk of food and overeating that surrounds Thanksgiving, the other issues get lost along the way until they are sitting right in front of you - at the dinner table. I'm talking family and a lifetime of unresolved issues that can make anyone eat even more to dull the decades-old pain.
My husband and I made a big mistake when we first got married in not carving out our own traditions at the holidays and staying home; thereby getting sucked in to my father's insistance that they all be held at his house. My father is a very domineering person and since I was little I've always been afraid to say no to him. He is also highly critical of everyone around him and shows incredibly blatant favoritism to my brother and his kids - to the exclusion of everyone else in the family. We women are there to serve and take care of any other dirty details that the "beautiful people" like my dad and brother wouldn't think of lowering themselves to do. I will mention briefly my toxic, verbally abusive sister, my egotistical brother, and a parasitic aunt and uncle who take much and give little. And this is what my "holidays" have been like for the past 20 years. By the time I get back to my own home late in the day, I am so emotionally drained and upset that I usually drive right into whatever pie I've been able to wrestle away from the masses. And oh by the way, did I mention that my husband and I, while living 1 1/2 hours away - the farthest of anyone attending, bring the entire meal with us?
Mom and Dad are too sick for us to pull out of the holidays now. Yesterday, however, I was thrown a bit of a lifeline for a change. While my poor husband had already left 4 hours earlier to get the turkey in the oven at my parents' house, my car wouldn't start after I had packed up the rest of the food to bring down there. Dead battery. So my husband picked up a few extras for the rest of the meal and left as soon as the turkey was served - back to me and our son. While I was so relieved that I didn't have to endure the emotional beating that usually occurs, I was a bit sad as I sense that this is my mother's last Thanksgiving. I love her the most of anyone from my childhood family but she is very sick with Alzheimer's and therefore the least present of everyone there. She is the one we keep doing this for - even though the emotional toll has become staggering at this point.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not throwing myself a pity party here. While I missed my mother (who may or may not have recognized me yesterday), not having to subject myself to the painful people I'm related to was something I was very grateful for. And it showed in my eating behavior too. I had small amounts of everything, including only one piece of fabulous apple pie I made while waiting for my husband to return home. I'm in a happier place than I normally would be after Thanksgiving - not having to relive the humilitation that is doled out regularly at these "family" dinners.
Lesson learned is that surroundings matter a lot. When I don't feel threatened, I don't overeat to comfort myself. I dodged a bullet yesterday but Christmas is right around the corner. I doubt I'll get another chance to actually enjoy that holiday so I'm savoring the one in front of me for now. I'm counting my blessings.
My husband and I made a big mistake when we first got married in not carving out our own traditions at the holidays and staying home; thereby getting sucked in to my father's insistance that they all be held at his house. My father is a very domineering person and since I was little I've always been afraid to say no to him. He is also highly critical of everyone around him and shows incredibly blatant favoritism to my brother and his kids - to the exclusion of everyone else in the family. We women are there to serve and take care of any other dirty details that the "beautiful people" like my dad and brother wouldn't think of lowering themselves to do. I will mention briefly my toxic, verbally abusive sister, my egotistical brother, and a parasitic aunt and uncle who take much and give little. And this is what my "holidays" have been like for the past 20 years. By the time I get back to my own home late in the day, I am so emotionally drained and upset that I usually drive right into whatever pie I've been able to wrestle away from the masses. And oh by the way, did I mention that my husband and I, while living 1 1/2 hours away - the farthest of anyone attending, bring the entire meal with us?
Mom and Dad are too sick for us to pull out of the holidays now. Yesterday, however, I was thrown a bit of a lifeline for a change. While my poor husband had already left 4 hours earlier to get the turkey in the oven at my parents' house, my car wouldn't start after I had packed up the rest of the food to bring down there. Dead battery. So my husband picked up a few extras for the rest of the meal and left as soon as the turkey was served - back to me and our son. While I was so relieved that I didn't have to endure the emotional beating that usually occurs, I was a bit sad as I sense that this is my mother's last Thanksgiving. I love her the most of anyone from my childhood family but she is very sick with Alzheimer's and therefore the least present of everyone there. She is the one we keep doing this for - even though the emotional toll has become staggering at this point.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not throwing myself a pity party here. While I missed my mother (who may or may not have recognized me yesterday), not having to subject myself to the painful people I'm related to was something I was very grateful for. And it showed in my eating behavior too. I had small amounts of everything, including only one piece of fabulous apple pie I made while waiting for my husband to return home. I'm in a happier place than I normally would be after Thanksgiving - not having to relive the humilitation that is doled out regularly at these "family" dinners.
Lesson learned is that surroundings matter a lot. When I don't feel threatened, I don't overeat to comfort myself. I dodged a bullet yesterday but Christmas is right around the corner. I doubt I'll get another chance to actually enjoy that holiday so I'm savoring the one in front of me for now. I'm counting my blessings.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Fat Girls
My mother and I have enjoyed a very good relationship over the years. I love her dearly and I know she feels the same about me. But no relationship is perfect...especially when weight is the issue and someone's (I'm not naming names, Mom) "perfect" family image becomes flawed.
Mom has never had the weight problems I've had and so this is where we first parted company. She always fancied herself subtle in her efforts to draw my attention to my ever growing problem. Yeah - about as subtle as a ballpeen hammer. Her first nuanced suggestion of her discomfort about my appearance popped up when at the ripe old age of 12 she suggested that I harness my still-not-done-growing self into a girdle. There's subtlety for you. And isn't it always the first cuts that leave the deepest impression - especially at such an impressionable age. Fat=bad=me. I'm no math major but that's how I summed it up then and I'm sorry to say am carrying it with me still (disguising itself as fat, however).
My weight fluctuated during early adulthood but I was able to whittle myself down to a bitchin' bod for my wedding 17 years ago - with the help of extreme worry and a pack a day habit of cigarettes. Fast forward to present day and I'm a non-smoker (altho not one of those Nazi ex-smokers whose mission in life is to humiliate everyone else who isn't as perfect as them), anti-depressant alumnae and a full 80 pounds heavier than my wedding day. Life sure knows how to pile it on when you're not paying attention. And when my son, who was all of 9 years old started to get a little chubby, my mother subtlety left a magazine article on my kitchen table entitled, "How Not To Raise an Overweight Child".
My first reaction was to say, "Well, you raised one, Mom, so I don't really think you're in a position to dole out advice on the topic." Problem was I didn't really say it to her face which is a problem with me...I swallowed the feelings and negative emotions and then ate to soothe myself. Vicious cylce completed.
My second reaction was to recognize that the last thing I wanted to do to my son was make him feel bad about himself - especially at such a young age. Life will do that to him in time. Why should I be the first in line...and why would any kid want such a negative message coming from the person they love most in the world? At age 13 he is now starting to grow more vertically than horizontally - which is how everyone does it - some more horizontally than others but it eventually evens out. And he did it all without the insulting subtlety. I was always careful not to reward him with cookies and candy but beyond that I've been pretty hands off in terms of his relationship with food. I could set a much better example for him by ridding myself of this excess weight and feel confident (sort of) that I will one day. Unfortunately, I don't have the metabolism of a 13 year old and on most days the bad decision-making skills either. Mama didn't raise no dummy and I can prove that by becoming more of the person I want to be - not her version of what she thinks I should be.
Finally, I understand the disappointment a parent can feel when their children don't live up to their full potential. But showing them the way should never involve shame or humiliation. That only gives them an additional hurdle to overcome - and a lifelong one at that. So Mama, mind your own business and let me take care of mine and things will turn out just fine.
Mom has never had the weight problems I've had and so this is where we first parted company. She always fancied herself subtle in her efforts to draw my attention to my ever growing problem. Yeah - about as subtle as a ballpeen hammer. Her first nuanced suggestion of her discomfort about my appearance popped up when at the ripe old age of 12 she suggested that I harness my still-not-done-growing self into a girdle. There's subtlety for you. And isn't it always the first cuts that leave the deepest impression - especially at such an impressionable age. Fat=bad=me. I'm no math major but that's how I summed it up then and I'm sorry to say am carrying it with me still (disguising itself as fat, however).
My weight fluctuated during early adulthood but I was able to whittle myself down to a bitchin' bod for my wedding 17 years ago - with the help of extreme worry and a pack a day habit of cigarettes. Fast forward to present day and I'm a non-smoker (altho not one of those Nazi ex-smokers whose mission in life is to humiliate everyone else who isn't as perfect as them), anti-depressant alumnae and a full 80 pounds heavier than my wedding day. Life sure knows how to pile it on when you're not paying attention. And when my son, who was all of 9 years old started to get a little chubby, my mother subtlety left a magazine article on my kitchen table entitled, "How Not To Raise an Overweight Child".
My first reaction was to say, "Well, you raised one, Mom, so I don't really think you're in a position to dole out advice on the topic." Problem was I didn't really say it to her face which is a problem with me...I swallowed the feelings and negative emotions and then ate to soothe myself. Vicious cylce completed.
My second reaction was to recognize that the last thing I wanted to do to my son was make him feel bad about himself - especially at such a young age. Life will do that to him in time. Why should I be the first in line...and why would any kid want such a negative message coming from the person they love most in the world? At age 13 he is now starting to grow more vertically than horizontally - which is how everyone does it - some more horizontally than others but it eventually evens out. And he did it all without the insulting subtlety. I was always careful not to reward him with cookies and candy but beyond that I've been pretty hands off in terms of his relationship with food. I could set a much better example for him by ridding myself of this excess weight and feel confident (sort of) that I will one day. Unfortunately, I don't have the metabolism of a 13 year old and on most days the bad decision-making skills either. Mama didn't raise no dummy and I can prove that by becoming more of the person I want to be - not her version of what she thinks I should be.
Finally, I understand the disappointment a parent can feel when their children don't live up to their full potential. But showing them the way should never involve shame or humiliation. That only gives them an additional hurdle to overcome - and a lifelong one at that. So Mama, mind your own business and let me take care of mine and things will turn out just fine.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friends and Losers
I've been experiencing something that I'm sure most of my height-impaired (ie: overweight) friends might have in common. It's that hesitation (deathly fear, in my case) to chance seeing people from my past who haven't seen me since my thin days. I live outside of the state in which I was born, raised and attended college so most of my old time friends are still there - altho it is not too far away. I am also in a stage of my life where I am craving those old friendships, or at least a chance to catch up at the occasional Christmas party or reunion. These impulses to reconnect are tragically over-ridden by the shame I feel about my appearance and so I continue to lose touch with the people who I grew up with and had such impact on my life.
This has been going on for years and every time it does, I vow to do something about it...but I haven't...and this year is no different. I was doing so well up until September and then got knocked off stride. So whereas I could possibly be down by 20-25 pounds had I kept up my routine, I'm only down 10 - if that - and it is only a drop in the bucket in terms of making a difference.
I need to recommit to this project - and myself. Too much of life is passing me by and the worst part is I'm allowing it to happen. I'm acting as if I'm some bystander and have no skin in this game when in fact the complete opposite is true. I'm the only one who can do something about this. I'm NOT going to give myself yet another false start - "Oh, I'll wait until after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Labor Day.....yada, yada, yada". It starts today. Again.
This has been going on for years and every time it does, I vow to do something about it...but I haven't...and this year is no different. I was doing so well up until September and then got knocked off stride. So whereas I could possibly be down by 20-25 pounds had I kept up my routine, I'm only down 10 - if that - and it is only a drop in the bucket in terms of making a difference.
I need to recommit to this project - and myself. Too much of life is passing me by and the worst part is I'm allowing it to happen. I'm acting as if I'm some bystander and have no skin in this game when in fact the complete opposite is true. I'm the only one who can do something about this. I'm NOT going to give myself yet another false start - "Oh, I'll wait until after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Labor Day.....yada, yada, yada". It starts today. Again.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Atkins, Schmatkins...Try the Stress Diet
What a chicken! Almost two full months since my last recorded weigh-in and you know why that is - because I stopped losing weight and didn't want to acknowledge it! My ego is way too fragile these days to even entertain the briefest of notions that I may have failed at something I consider to be so vital. Fake it 'til you make it - is that the phrase? Whatever - the number was surprisingly smaller than I thought it would be given that my workout schedule has fallen off a cliff. I can only assume that my weight is down because of the extraordinary stress I've been under lately (that, and the consumption of the last Halloween candy leftovers). It brought me back to a time 20 years ago when I swear I lost 20 pounds in a month. I had just lost my job as a money market broker and was subsisting on coffee and cigarettes. I was single, living in the city and suddenly had no visible means of support - so I literally started living off my fat. (P.S. the same brokerage firm that canned me 20 years ago just went under. Heh Heh. Not that I'm bitter or anything but if you wait long enough, what goes around really does come around - and this time I got to watch.)
Now, as then, I would prefer less stress as I'm not so in love with the hollowed-out acidic feeling in my stomach every waking moment. Plus, I'm at a stage in my life where every time I go to the doctor's office there's a question on the form about unintended weight loss - i.e. some sinister disease destroying you on the inside while pretending to be your friend on the outside. I hate to admit it but my stress levels are so high, I have begun to imagine brain tumors and flesh-eating bacteria when in fact I only have a headache and dry skin. Yet another reason for the power of positive thinking. Serenity now!
Now, as then, I would prefer less stress as I'm not so in love with the hollowed-out acidic feeling in my stomach every waking moment. Plus, I'm at a stage in my life where every time I go to the doctor's office there's a question on the form about unintended weight loss - i.e. some sinister disease destroying you on the inside while pretending to be your friend on the outside. I hate to admit it but my stress levels are so high, I have begun to imagine brain tumors and flesh-eating bacteria when in fact I only have a headache and dry skin. Yet another reason for the power of positive thinking. Serenity now!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Change in mid-stream (or is it "mid-scream"?)
I've been debating about whether to make this a weight-loss only blog given my dismal record at updating and - oh yeah - losing weight. I'm getting a little queasy too at not wanting to be identified as just someone whose only mission in life is obsessing about her weight. I think I started down this path when I wondered if I'm just trying too hard to make this one particular thing happen in my life. I know at other times it has happened that way: in guy-world and the job market - as soon as I stopped trying so hard to score the object of my fixation, it more or less landed in my lap. Deciding that my life will go on without whatever my heart's desire of the moment was always wound up to be a pretty freeing - and eventually productive - exercise. Besides, there are so many other things going on in my life right now that I don't want it to be boiled down to just a number on the scale.
I've just started a charity, A Good Laugh Inc., which will provide therapeutic humor to those affected by illness or injury. There is SO much for me to do to get it up and running that I am feeling very overwhelmed and not quite sure where to start. I suppose the thing to do is to just take one thing at a time and soon I will know just what I'm doing and become an old pro at it. I guess the same is true of anything we want to get good at - even weight loss. I will approach it every day with purpose and patience as I work towards a more improved version of itself - and myself.
I've just started a charity, A Good Laugh Inc., which will provide therapeutic humor to those affected by illness or injury. There is SO much for me to do to get it up and running that I am feeling very overwhelmed and not quite sure where to start. I suppose the thing to do is to just take one thing at a time and soon I will know just what I'm doing and become an old pro at it. I guess the same is true of anything we want to get good at - even weight loss. I will approach it every day with purpose and patience as I work towards a more improved version of itself - and myself.
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