My mother and I have enjoyed a very good relationship over the years. I love her dearly and I know she feels the same about me. But no relationship is perfect...especially when weight is the issue and someone's (I'm not naming names, Mom) "perfect" family image becomes flawed.
Mom has never had the weight problems I've had and so this is where we first parted company. She always fancied herself subtle in her efforts to draw my attention to my ever growing problem. Yeah - about as subtle as a ballpeen hammer. Her first nuanced suggestion of her discomfort about my appearance popped up when at the ripe old age of 12 she suggested that I harness my still-not-done-growing self into a girdle. There's subtlety for you. And isn't it always the first cuts that leave the deepest impression - especially at such an impressionable age. Fat=bad=me. I'm no math major but that's how I summed it up then and I'm sorry to say am carrying it with me still (disguising itself as fat, however).
My weight fluctuated during early adulthood but I was able to whittle myself down to a bitchin' bod for my wedding 17 years ago - with the help of extreme worry and a pack a day habit of cigarettes. Fast forward to present day and I'm a non-smoker (altho not one of those Nazi ex-smokers whose mission in life is to humiliate everyone else who isn't as perfect as them), anti-depressant alumnae and a full 80 pounds heavier than my wedding day. Life sure knows how to pile it on when you're not paying attention. And when my son, who was all of 9 years old started to get a little chubby, my mother subtlety left a magazine article on my kitchen table entitled, "How Not To Raise an Overweight Child".
My first reaction was to say, "Well, you raised one, Mom, so I don't really think you're in a position to dole out advice on the topic." Problem was I didn't really say it to her face which is a problem with me...I swallowed the feelings and negative emotions and then ate to soothe myself. Vicious cylce completed.
My second reaction was to recognize that the last thing I wanted to do to my son was make him feel bad about himself - especially at such a young age. Life will do that to him in time. Why should I be the first in line...and why would any kid want such a negative message coming from the person they love most in the world? At age 13 he is now starting to grow more vertically than horizontally - which is how everyone does it - some more horizontally than others but it eventually evens out. And he did it all without the insulting subtlety. I was always careful not to reward him with cookies and candy but beyond that I've been pretty hands off in terms of his relationship with food. I could set a much better example for him by ridding myself of this excess weight and feel confident (sort of) that I will one day. Unfortunately, I don't have the metabolism of a 13 year old and on most days the bad decision-making skills either. Mama didn't raise no dummy and I can prove that by becoming more of the person I want to be - not her version of what she thinks I should be.
Finally, I understand the disappointment a parent can feel when their children don't live up to their full potential. But showing them the way should never involve shame or humiliation. That only gives them an additional hurdle to overcome - and a lifelong one at that. So Mama, mind your own business and let me take care of mine and things will turn out just fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment