With all the talk of food and overeating that surrounds Thanksgiving, the other issues get lost along the way until they are sitting right in front of you - at the dinner table. I'm talking family and a lifetime of unresolved issues that can make anyone eat even more to dull the decades-old pain.
My husband and I made a big mistake when we first got married in not carving out our own traditions at the holidays and staying home; thereby getting sucked in to my father's insistance that they all be held at his house. My father is a very domineering person and since I was little I've always been afraid to say no to him. He is also highly critical of everyone around him and shows incredibly blatant favoritism to my brother and his kids - to the exclusion of everyone else in the family. We women are there to serve and take care of any other dirty details that the "beautiful people" like my dad and brother wouldn't think of lowering themselves to do. I will mention briefly my toxic, verbally abusive sister, my egotistical brother, and a parasitic aunt and uncle who take much and give little. And this is what my "holidays" have been like for the past 20 years. By the time I get back to my own home late in the day, I am so emotionally drained and upset that I usually drive right into whatever pie I've been able to wrestle away from the masses. And oh by the way, did I mention that my husband and I, while living 1 1/2 hours away - the farthest of anyone attending, bring the entire meal with us?
Mom and Dad are too sick for us to pull out of the holidays now. Yesterday, however, I was thrown a bit of a lifeline for a change. While my poor husband had already left 4 hours earlier to get the turkey in the oven at my parents' house, my car wouldn't start after I had packed up the rest of the food to bring down there. Dead battery. So my husband picked up a few extras for the rest of the meal and left as soon as the turkey was served - back to me and our son. While I was so relieved that I didn't have to endure the emotional beating that usually occurs, I was a bit sad as I sense that this is my mother's last Thanksgiving. I love her the most of anyone from my childhood family but she is very sick with Alzheimer's and therefore the least present of everyone there. She is the one we keep doing this for - even though the emotional toll has become staggering at this point.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not throwing myself a pity party here. While I missed my mother (who may or may not have recognized me yesterday), not having to subject myself to the painful people I'm related to was something I was very grateful for. And it showed in my eating behavior too. I had small amounts of everything, including only one piece of fabulous apple pie I made while waiting for my husband to return home. I'm in a happier place than I normally would be after Thanksgiving - not having to relive the humilitation that is doled out regularly at these "family" dinners.
Lesson learned is that surroundings matter a lot. When I don't feel threatened, I don't overeat to comfort myself. I dodged a bullet yesterday but Christmas is right around the corner. I doubt I'll get another chance to actually enjoy that holiday so I'm savoring the one in front of me for now. I'm counting my blessings.
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