What A Difference A Day Makes

For as rotten a day as yesterday was, today is starting out quite the opposite. First of all, the sun is shining and while it won't make much of a dent in the 2+ inches of frozen slush on my driveway, it is nonetheless bright and uplifting - and we could all use a little of that in the dead of winter. Then all the traffic lights were green and people were, if not friendly, then not their usual pushy selves (I love living in the Northeast but some of these Cranky Yankees really get on my nerves at times. Note to self: grow a thicker skin.) But the best news of all is that since my last weigh-in, I'm down 7 pounds to 207.4!!! I know it's not my usual weigh-in date but I couldn't help taking a peak. It is the sole reward for eliminating (against my will) so much from my daily diet.

I'm still struggling with the anxiety - it always spikes when around my sick parents. I am determined, though, never to return to anti-depressants as they helped me pack on 35 extra pounds to an all-time high of 229 and withdrawal from them was harder than kicking cigarettes. They are a life-line for some but not worth the extra poundage for me. I'm learning all I can about positive self-talk and other anti-anxiety methods. Surely, weighing 22 pounds less than my all-time high helps lessen the load (figuratively and literally).

No Super Bowl party plans other than to hang out with husband and son. I'll be making a big pot of pasta e fagiole soup (my one and only specialty) and making sure the boys take their Bean-o beforehand. That way, nobody wakes up with a tan the next morning.

Enjoy the weekend.

Out Flat

I thought the holidays were supposed to be the busy time of the year but am finding January very hard to navigate. Today was Stress Central - visited my parents in CT but first got stuck in a snowbank in their icy driveway. Half an hour later, after digging myself out and with the help of a lovely neighbor, I entered their house to find Dad's blood pressure bottoming out at 66 over 26. Crank-case that he is, he refused the paramedics and had me take him to his doctor - who also knows he's a crank and telling him to go to the hospital won't do any good as long as he's conscious. Luckily, his pressure improved and I was able to stay on schedule (how selfish does THAT sound?! Long story.) - back home to MA for another blood draw at the allergist's, salting my too-long driveway and all of a full 15 minutes left before I have to meet my son at the bus stop because the ice is so bad on our street.

I doubt I'll have time to exercise - altho the shoveling and swearing in my parents' driveway will probably be adequate for today. Tomorrow's another day and I hope I can pace myself to do a little of everything that has to be done. I feel very distant from myself as if I'm on autopilot and the thoughts and feelings are deeply buried and hard to locate - which is always a bad thing. I need to remind myself that it'll all get done - altho probably not in time or in order of necessity but I just need to keep chipping away.

How Would You Choose To Lose?

Now that I've been reassured that I won't die if I have the occasional ice cream cone (unless I insert the pointy end through my eye), I have nonetheless stopped eating anything with cow's milk or yeast and I can feel the weight melting away. However, I am not having any fun whatsoever with my food. I recognize the need to get more balance in my diet and will do my best to stay clean for the next 6 months - at which time I'll be retested and hopefully my numbers will be better.

But before I knew I could have these foods again at some point in the future, I wondered: would it be better to be overweight and still have complete access to any food OR thin but only able to eat from certain food groups (not including baked goods, carbs or dairy)? What do you think?

Backing Away From the Ledge

Did you ever want to slap someone for leaving out a very key element to something that has upset you greatly - only you're too happy about hearing that left out element that you completely forget to do it? Me too!

I spent this weekend curled up in a ball thinking about how radically my life was going to change since being told that my allergy levels for cow's milk and yeast were extremely high and the test papers I received said I was to eliminate these foods completely from my diet. It even had a bunch of exclamation points after it - you know, like high voltage!!!! or rip tide!!! or soccer mom crossing!!!! - all warning you of a very dangerous situation. And so I took it to heart - really!!!!!

That is, until this morning when I phoned the allergist's nurse to ask the result of other tests. We got to talking and through a series of questions that I, the non-health professional, asked, it seems that instead of being at risk for going into shock, my system was simply overloaded with milk and yeast and that's what raised the reading to such a high level. I asked if this elimination requirement was a life sentence or did I just need more balance in my diet? She said I just needed to avoid these foods and be retested in 6 months but that I could certainly enjoy these foods again at some future date. And you were going to tell me this when......? Oh, and she laughed when she said that so many people react the same exact way. Really? Is that so? Well, I guess that means that you're just scaring the shit out of people unnecessarily by leaving out such major pieces of the puzzle.

So as I back away from the ledge of a life without hot fudge sundaes or bread, join me in a rice milk toast as I enjoy the breeze of the just dodged bullet.

Discomfort Food

Yesterday, just as I was readying myself to leave for CT to visit my parents and attend a board meeting, I got a call from the allergist and it rocked my world. I went there because I thought I had a sensitivity to honey; first a rash and then some weird sensations in my mouth and throat, which really put the fear of God in me. But what I wasn't expecting to hear was that I had a high sensitivity to what constitutes almost 90% of my current diet - cow's milk and yeast. I was told I should avoid these foods altogether. Other problem foods were egg whites and chocolate! Is there no God?! And by the way, what good is chocolate if it can't be in ice cream or cookie form? But I had to pull myself together for my trip and put on a happy face - even though my world had just been turned upside down.

I am still having trouble wrapping my head around this. Of course I am grateful that this isn't some horrible terminal diagnosis but it is nonetheless going to completely change my whole way of doing things. I could continue as I have in the past and see what happens. The allergist said these foods wouldn't necessarily cause a life threatening situation but she couldn't rule it out either. And if any of you are like me, once a thought like that is in my head, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - like reading the side effects of a new drug and thinking that every single one of them is happening to you. The power of suggestion. I miss the bliss of ignorance.

I wish I could cry or get mad or do something other than walking around like a really hungry zombie but that seems to be as far as I'm going to get right now before more information becomes available. I'll need to see a nutritionist but I'll have to pay full freight as my insurance doesn't cover that. Seems like Trader Joe's will be my new hangout. I've always hated to cook, read labels or make special accomodations for myself but it seems like that is my new life for now. I'm really not happy about this new development and I'm sorry if I sound like a whiner (my third least favorite group of people, right behind "stupid" and "rude"). I guess the upside here is that with so many yummy foods literally off the table now, losing weight should be a piece of cake. Mmmmmm-cake.

I Wish I Could Quit You, Lays Potato Chips

Rounding the corner to the check-out this morning at BJ's I suddenly found myself face-to-face with the Lays display rack and felt faint. Since when did the store start placing the chips here? I know I had passed another display over near the soda section where I was fully aware of its presence and therefore in full resistence mode. But now my resolve is compromised by this sensory ambush. I even slowed the cart down - no small task given the size of these monsters. They don't exactly turn on a dime, you know. It would be sooooo easy to just bag up a couple of these salty sirens in one of those jumbo plastic bags provided by BJ's - after all, they DO sell in bulk and there is a two bag minimum with the chips. Hmmm, I can't buy just ONE bag but would a pallet be too much?

Just then, the warm cheese danish aroma eminating from the bakery hit me full on and the seduction was underway. If the lights had suddenly dimmed I'd have done it. I'd have given in to my wanton salty passion and bagged those babies up. But.....before I let my thinking process become fully engaged (picture me seated at my kitchen table scarfing down large quantities of chips with a pastrami sandwich chaser...Mmmmmm) I started moving again. The check-out was within sight. Safety was only a few steps away. I made it. Safe again....until next time.

Dad & Daughter Diet Delusions

My father has always had the gift of gab - blarney, is how he and his Irish friends speak of it. He has that rare ability of telling someone to go to hell such that they look forward to the trip. I spent my formative years watching and listening and learned some lessons well and other even better - such as the diet delusion.

One day a few years ago I was visiting my parents. My dad was bemoaning the notion that he'd have to start losing a few pounds. I come from a family of pretty normal sized parents, one skinny sister, and a tall lanky brother. And then there is me - an above average looking gal with the metabolism of a garden slug. No one in my family prior to few years ago ever had trouble with their weight except me. So I suppose Dad was looking for a kindred spirit that day when chewing the fat about fat. So we talked a while about diet and exercise and then he made his way to the fridge. He reached down to the freezer and pulled out a chocolate Dove ice cream bar. They should be called "chocolate ice cream ice cream bars" because one "ice cream" just doesn't adequately cover the amount of creamy goodness and calories packed into the seemingly harmless bar on a stick.

I was very surprised at this, given our topic of conversation and so I asked him why he was getting out a Dove bar if he was trying to lose weight. In his very best Mickie the Dunce performance of all time, he looked at me with wide innocent eyes and asked, "Oh, are these fattening?" And then I remembered who I was dealing with. As if he had no idea. "Well," I began, "I think the only way they could cram any more calories into that Dove bar is if they deep fried it." Realizing his diet delusion had been busted, he broke out into a smile and ate it anyway.

I inherited many things from my dad but lately this diet delusion seems to be heading the pack. While on a very rational level I know some things are bad for me, I nonetheless pick my blind spots: "No one saw me eat it therefore it doesn't count." "There's no way that was three servings!" "Salt, sugar and cocoa are all natural ingredients - how could they possibly not be included in any respectable all-natural diet?!" "All weight limits and calorie counts are lifted at midnight.".........and the beat goes on.

Moral of today's story: the candy apple doesn't fall far from the tree.