If you're wondering why there hasn't been a weigh-in in over a month it's because I have been pretty much out of control since then. It all started with the colonoscopy and has just sort of taken on a life of its own. I feel enormous pressures these days - my beloved mother with late stage Alzheimer's (we are almost 10 years in since initial diagnosis), a seriously ill father, my son's asthma becoming worse every year, numerous nagging injuries of my own and my ever-present weight problem.
I know things could be worse and I do remember to thank God every day for my blessings and pray for His guidance for the harder things. Still, I've been trying to convince myself for the past 2 years or so that all of the above shouldn't be weighing on me as much as they do - that everything is still status quo so why don't I just deal with it and move on? I've finally cut myself a little slack in acknowledging that things ARE much harder than they were not so long ago and that it's very normal to feel the sadness and loss about things over which I have no control. I am having a lot of trouble processing the all bad things but maybe by acknowledging that - that these are fairly desperate times for me - I won't feel the need so much to comfort myself with food.
Here's hoping that tomorrow brings me back to a better place and I can start over.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Stretching It
I had to make another run to the mall today to return some tight fitting pants I had ordered from a store's catalog. We of the height impaired community know that decent plus size wear is not to be found out in the open of the actual store. While there, I mosied over to the Women's department/janitor's closet and tried on some pabulum-colored tee shirts for layering purposes.
As I said in a previous post, there is a disturbing new trend of incorporating spandex and latex into women's clothing such that it clings to the body. If any smart retailers of plus size clothing existed, they would know that this is precisely why we no longer shop in misses and are in the plus size department (such as it is) - because the clothes are too damn tight and show every roll we are so determined to cover up! So, instead of my usual size 1X, I had to go up to a 2X or 3X just so it wouldn't cling in all the wrong places. This meant that while I finally attained a decent fit across my bust without it looking like a suspension bridge, the shoulders drooped down around my elbows; like I'm not round-shouldered enough. This was ridiculous. I haven't gained any weight to have bounced me up a size and my ego is way too fragile to start buying up a size or two so I left the store buying nothing. Burn in hell, you weightist retailers! You won't get any of my money dressing me up like an organ grinder's monkey!
So here I sit in my sweat pants and jersey shirt. Another year without an updated wardrobe. I'm trying to dress better in an effort to boost my morale and stay positive but it's like treading quicksand - the harder I try to move through it, the more sucked down I feel. So I'll have to continue to dress down for a while longer; thus convincing others that I have completely let myself go. It won't be forever - it'll just feel like it.
As I said in a previous post, there is a disturbing new trend of incorporating spandex and latex into women's clothing such that it clings to the body. If any smart retailers of plus size clothing existed, they would know that this is precisely why we no longer shop in misses and are in the plus size department (such as it is) - because the clothes are too damn tight and show every roll we are so determined to cover up! So, instead of my usual size 1X, I had to go up to a 2X or 3X just so it wouldn't cling in all the wrong places. This meant that while I finally attained a decent fit across my bust without it looking like a suspension bridge, the shoulders drooped down around my elbows; like I'm not round-shouldered enough. This was ridiculous. I haven't gained any weight to have bounced me up a size and my ego is way too fragile to start buying up a size or two so I left the store buying nothing. Burn in hell, you weightist retailers! You won't get any of my money dressing me up like an organ grinder's monkey!
So here I sit in my sweat pants and jersey shirt. Another year without an updated wardrobe. I'm trying to dress better in an effort to boost my morale and stay positive but it's like treading quicksand - the harder I try to move through it, the more sucked down I feel. So I'll have to continue to dress down for a while longer; thus convincing others that I have completely let myself go. It won't be forever - it'll just feel like it.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wardrobe by Barnum & Bailey
I have an inverse relationship with my sense of style and my weight. When I've been thin and could buy anything off the rack, I had no vision in terms of how to dress myself. It just didn't seem to matter and so I had a wardrobe full of random pieces; nothing really looked all that well put together but I looked presentable. My thinness was my best - and only- fashion statement. Fast (or "fat") forward to present day and it's a very different story. I know what I want and need out of clothes but what I'm able to get is a whole lot of nothing.
I have a rather festive and dressy event to attend this week and yet have only a stay-at-home mom's wardrobe with which to work: sweat pants, flannel shirts, fleece pullovers. Not exactly Project Runway (although I do consider myself a lot better dressed than some of the designers themselves. How do you have that much fashion talent and still dress yourself like a hobo?). Open up the gates of Hell - it was time to go shopping.
I've watched enough of TLC's "What Not to Wear" to get a general idea of how to hide my liabilities and play up what few assets I might still possess. Dressing well really can lift your spirits. However, the big variable here is what's in the stores. And for a plus size gal, it ain't much. With Stacy and Clinton's help I was able to spot all the items that I needed. The trouble was that none of it came in plus size. The women's departments in every major store I visited were all tucked into the most remote and cramped part of the store (and I'm talking major retailers here) but that was a bonus compared to what was actually on the hangers. In one store, for example, every color hue that failed to make it in juniors or misses had found its place in their women's department. Then there are the fabrics. Lycra, spandex and rib knits should never, never make their way into plus size garments and yet there they were, adding insult to injury - clingy clothes in day-glo colors. How much lower does it go after this kind of humiliation? Online catalog sales, that's how much lower.
Finding little to nothing at the brick and mortar store I went online and found a great trench coat at the aforementioned store - and in a plus size. However, when I tried to order it - they even taunted me a little more by saying it was in stock and actually in a mainstream color (black) - I was kicked out of the system no less than the seven times I tried to order the same fucking coat. I hate this store with a white hot intensity and yet was desperate for a decent trench. I finally gave up the online catalog debacle and googled "plus size trenchcoats". I got a lot of hits and yet when I would select a few and click on the 1X for sizing, it would either limit the style choices to one or two (usually in some very flattering open umbrella cut with big cookie buttons) or the available day-glo colors to some hideous combination you might find on a tropical drink menu or at your local Barnum and Bailey. I was back to my old fashion rut - buying stuff because it fit rather than because I liked any part of it. I hate to admit it but settling has become a major part of my life these days.
I know about the stores that cater to plus size women but I want the larger selection of a big department store and I'm not getting it. I admit that I was so angry and frustrated that my first inclination was to eat something - something big - like office furniture. I cried instead. I'm trying so hard to stay positive but when such a basic need as finding decent clothing is this difficult to do, it sends me into a downward spiral. I didn't overeat as I've had a rather dramatic spike in my weight - up to 216.8 this morning - and don't need to add any fuel to that out of control fire. I know when my stress level goes up my body clings to weight like grim death and so it is as of today. The search continues - not only for decent clothing but for some more positive thoughts to dwell on.
I have a rather festive and dressy event to attend this week and yet have only a stay-at-home mom's wardrobe with which to work: sweat pants, flannel shirts, fleece pullovers. Not exactly Project Runway (although I do consider myself a lot better dressed than some of the designers themselves. How do you have that much fashion talent and still dress yourself like a hobo?). Open up the gates of Hell - it was time to go shopping.
I've watched enough of TLC's "What Not to Wear" to get a general idea of how to hide my liabilities and play up what few assets I might still possess. Dressing well really can lift your spirits. However, the big variable here is what's in the stores. And for a plus size gal, it ain't much. With Stacy and Clinton's help I was able to spot all the items that I needed. The trouble was that none of it came in plus size. The women's departments in every major store I visited were all tucked into the most remote and cramped part of the store (and I'm talking major retailers here) but that was a bonus compared to what was actually on the hangers. In one store, for example, every color hue that failed to make it in juniors or misses had found its place in their women's department. Then there are the fabrics. Lycra, spandex and rib knits should never, never make their way into plus size garments and yet there they were, adding insult to injury - clingy clothes in day-glo colors. How much lower does it go after this kind of humiliation? Online catalog sales, that's how much lower.
Finding little to nothing at the brick and mortar store I went online and found a great trench coat at the aforementioned store - and in a plus size. However, when I tried to order it - they even taunted me a little more by saying it was in stock and actually in a mainstream color (black) - I was kicked out of the system no less than the seven times I tried to order the same fucking coat. I hate this store with a white hot intensity and yet was desperate for a decent trench. I finally gave up the online catalog debacle and googled "plus size trenchcoats". I got a lot of hits and yet when I would select a few and click on the 1X for sizing, it would either limit the style choices to one or two (usually in some very flattering open umbrella cut with big cookie buttons) or the available day-glo colors to some hideous combination you might find on a tropical drink menu or at your local Barnum and Bailey. I was back to my old fashion rut - buying stuff because it fit rather than because I liked any part of it. I hate to admit it but settling has become a major part of my life these days.
I know about the stores that cater to plus size women but I want the larger selection of a big department store and I'm not getting it. I admit that I was so angry and frustrated that my first inclination was to eat something - something big - like office furniture. I cried instead. I'm trying so hard to stay positive but when such a basic need as finding decent clothing is this difficult to do, it sends me into a downward spiral. I didn't overeat as I've had a rather dramatic spike in my weight - up to 216.8 this morning - and don't need to add any fuel to that out of control fire. I know when my stress level goes up my body clings to weight like grim death and so it is as of today. The search continues - not only for decent clothing but for some more positive thoughts to dwell on.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Which Came First - The Attitude or the Fat?
I've been fat and I've been thin and for a holy host of reasons, thin is far superior. Kind of like how breathing is a whole lot better than not breathing. One of the real perks of being a normal sized person is that people, those we know and those we don't, tend to be a lot friendlier. I've always maintained that it's because society just doesn't like fat people as much as they do thin ones. But a therapist I once went to for help with my emotional eating problems (she's never been overweight, admits to loving exercise and is an incredible Barbie look-alike. I tried to like her - I really did!) suggested that maybe it wasn't other people being rude to me due to my weight but perhaps I was the one making them respond that way because of my attitude. Hmmmm...but if people are treating me like shit on a consistent basis then why wouldn't I engage in those defensive mechanisms? Engage shields, Mr. Sulu. I'll admit that I can wear my defensiveness on my sleeve but it's because I feel like I have to d-e-f-e-n-d myself every time I leave my house. I am responding to them and their hurtful behavior first. And I have evidence to bolster my case that it is indeed them and not me who are causing this problem.
I had a friend, Heidi, who was as drop dead gorgeous as they come and it was laughable how much better the service was at a restaurant versus whenever I dined with a more nondescript friend. Our table was never near the bathroom, kitchen door or wait station. Our drinks and food always arrived promptly and service was always with a smile - especially if it was of the male variety providing the service. One time, a gushing waiter was so taken with Heidi that he took her order and turned towards the kitchen without taking mine! I rest my case.
It's hard not to feel beaten down by the weight but I do pride myself on being polite and pleasant to people as often as possible, regardless of my frame of reference. It might also be a geographic phenomenon - the Northeast is not known for its gentility. But I have been on both sides of the fence and I know that it's best where the grass is thinner. I know it's not fair and it's not nice to be treated differently because of my weight but (aha moment ahead) I find that even I do it to myself by engaging in negative self-talk and overreacting to minor mistakes. So if I accept that kind of behavior from myself I can't throw stones at anyone else for doing it either. In that regard I guess the old adage is true: you teach people how to treat you. I need to start treating myself a lot better than I have been to this point.
I had a friend, Heidi, who was as drop dead gorgeous as they come and it was laughable how much better the service was at a restaurant versus whenever I dined with a more nondescript friend. Our table was never near the bathroom, kitchen door or wait station. Our drinks and food always arrived promptly and service was always with a smile - especially if it was of the male variety providing the service. One time, a gushing waiter was so taken with Heidi that he took her order and turned towards the kitchen without taking mine! I rest my case.
It's hard not to feel beaten down by the weight but I do pride myself on being polite and pleasant to people as often as possible, regardless of my frame of reference. It might also be a geographic phenomenon - the Northeast is not known for its gentility. But I have been on both sides of the fence and I know that it's best where the grass is thinner. I know it's not fair and it's not nice to be treated differently because of my weight but (aha moment ahead) I find that even I do it to myself by engaging in negative self-talk and overreacting to minor mistakes. So if I accept that kind of behavior from myself I can't throw stones at anyone else for doing it either. In that regard I guess the old adage is true: you teach people how to treat you. I need to start treating myself a lot better than I have been to this point.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Mirror, mirror on the wall....Go to hell!
Ah, another day of avoiding reflective surfaces. I know the whole idea behind losing weight naturally and for the right reasons is developing a healthy sense of self whereby one finally feels deserving of the better things in life - like a normal body. So tell me how that is possible when every time I look in the mirror (usually when forced to do so at gunpoint), my reflex is to recoil or ask "Who the hell are you?"
I know, I know - the "inner" beauty is supposed to be nurtured and allowed to rise to the surface; supplanting all things superficial and cosmetic. But I'm having a real hard time getting past all the negative feelings about that person looking back at me. I am way past having made that first mistake of walking by a plate glass window and wondering to myself who the fat ass behind me was - when in fact it was me. That was pre-school for me so you can understand how far down this road I already am.
I admit I could use a little good news. The fact is, however, that my weight this morning was 215.6 and I am beyond discouraged. My face is also breaking out and my varicose veins have been acting up so even in the absense of a period anymore, the hormones can still wreak havoc and are probably doing so as we speak. I pray that this is mostly water retention but know that in reaction to the "death by 1000 cuts" rut I have been in for the past couple of weeks or so, I have fallen off the wagon and comforted myself with food. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this stage of the game. But hope endures - I have gotten back into my daily exercise regimen and food journaling so things are looking up, which is the only kind of looking I can stomach at this time.
I know, I know - the "inner" beauty is supposed to be nurtured and allowed to rise to the surface; supplanting all things superficial and cosmetic. But I'm having a real hard time getting past all the negative feelings about that person looking back at me. I am way past having made that first mistake of walking by a plate glass window and wondering to myself who the fat ass behind me was - when in fact it was me. That was pre-school for me so you can understand how far down this road I already am.
I admit I could use a little good news. The fact is, however, that my weight this morning was 215.6 and I am beyond discouraged. My face is also breaking out and my varicose veins have been acting up so even in the absense of a period anymore, the hormones can still wreak havoc and are probably doing so as we speak. I pray that this is mostly water retention but know that in reaction to the "death by 1000 cuts" rut I have been in for the past couple of weeks or so, I have fallen off the wagon and comforted myself with food. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this stage of the game. But hope endures - I have gotten back into my daily exercise regimen and food journaling so things are looking up, which is the only kind of looking I can stomach at this time.
Monday, September 29, 2008
"Last Meal" Mania
As one of the wonders of being over 50, I am entitled to my first colonoscopy. TMI? Sorry about the Scope Dope but I only bring it up as a lead-in to my current problem. As part of the prep work for Wednesday's fun fest, I can't eat any solid food all day tomorrow. This, as any over-eater can imagine, has set off my binge alarm and I'm afraid that I might cave in to answer its siren call.
As anyone who has failed at diets as consistently as I have knows, the real reason for the lack of success is the notion of deprivation. Let's call it more than a notion - let's call it stone cold hard reality. I cannot be deprived of things and still find myself in a positive enough frame of mind to complete such a momumental task as losing all this weight. I've worked hard these past few months to get myself to a place where I can eat what I want - in moderation, with occasional splurges - and make sure I exercise every day, being conscious to raise the level and intensity as needed. I have forced myself accept a little weight loss over a long period of time - the old "Baby Steps" model - even though I am an instant gratification freak.
So as visions of mac and cheese and Chips Ahoy dance in my head in anticipation of being deprived, I must take a step back and get some perspective. I am only being asked not to eat for a day and a half - I am not going to the electric chair; therefore, I should resist the "last meal" mentality and suck it up. I may give in a little but if that's what it takes to get me over the hump, so be it. I am trying to get through this weight loss journey as best I can and without the self-sabotage that has brought me down before. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It never was as black and white as that and it never will be and I'd do well to remember that.
As anyone who has failed at diets as consistently as I have knows, the real reason for the lack of success is the notion of deprivation. Let's call it more than a notion - let's call it stone cold hard reality. I cannot be deprived of things and still find myself in a positive enough frame of mind to complete such a momumental task as losing all this weight. I've worked hard these past few months to get myself to a place where I can eat what I want - in moderation, with occasional splurges - and make sure I exercise every day, being conscious to raise the level and intensity as needed. I have forced myself accept a little weight loss over a long period of time - the old "Baby Steps" model - even though I am an instant gratification freak.
So as visions of mac and cheese and Chips Ahoy dance in my head in anticipation of being deprived, I must take a step back and get some perspective. I am only being asked not to eat for a day and a half - I am not going to the electric chair; therefore, I should resist the "last meal" mentality and suck it up. I may give in a little but if that's what it takes to get me over the hump, so be it. I am trying to get through this weight loss journey as best I can and without the self-sabotage that has brought me down before. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It never was as black and white as that and it never will be and I'd do well to remember that.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Playing The Cards You Are Dealt
Oh my! An entire month has flown by without an entry. But the good news is that my weight is down 1.6 pounds. It has been one of those months dominated by stuff that would have typically knocked me on my ass and off my mission. In days gone by, I would've become so overwhelmed with my problems that I would have thrown in the towel and sank into the deepest pool of self-pity I could find. Bad times happen to everyone. Life is unpredictable and stressful. I currently feel I'm in the middle of a "Perfect Storm": the combined stresses of sick and aging parents, a son entering adolescence and myself smack in the middle of menopause. Every day feels like I'm driving a dump truck with a tricky axle through a nitroglycerine factory. But perhaps the only good thing about getting older is I've finally come to realize that life is ALWAYS going to be this way and my choices are either to adapt or fail - and I'm so tired of failing. In fact, 214 pounds worth of failing.
We can rise above our circumstances. As the popular wisdom goes, you can't help the cards you're dealt but you can certainly learn how best to play them. So in spite of bad times I'm pushing myself forward to achieve my goal. Every day that I don't let the negative forces beat me down is another day that I've bettered myself and built up something you don't hear a lot about but is essential for a meaningful life: character. Gradually, all those days build up to form a good habit; be it daily exercise, a more positive attitude or riding the waves a little better. That is what I'm after - not the newest, quickest "diet". I want change - permanent change - that will last me my entire life. This time I'm working from the inside out as I believe that is the secret to permanent weight loss.
We can rise above our circumstances. As the popular wisdom goes, you can't help the cards you're dealt but you can certainly learn how best to play them. So in spite of bad times I'm pushing myself forward to achieve my goal. Every day that I don't let the negative forces beat me down is another day that I've bettered myself and built up something you don't hear a lot about but is essential for a meaningful life: character. Gradually, all those days build up to form a good habit; be it daily exercise, a more positive attitude or riding the waves a little better. That is what I'm after - not the newest, quickest "diet". I want change - permanent change - that will last me my entire life. This time I'm working from the inside out as I believe that is the secret to permanent weight loss.
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