Which Came First - The Attitude or the Fat?

I've been fat and I've been thin and for a holy host of reasons, thin is far superior. Kind of like how breathing is a whole lot better than not breathing. One of the real perks of being a normal sized person is that people, those we know and those we don't, tend to be a lot friendlier. I've always maintained that it's because society just doesn't like fat people as much as they do thin ones. But a therapist I once went to for help with my emotional eating problems (she's never been overweight, admits to loving exercise and is an incredible Barbie look-alike. I tried to like her - I really did!) suggested that maybe it wasn't other people being rude to me due to my weight but perhaps I was the one making them respond that way because of my attitude. Hmmmm...but if people are treating me like shit on a consistent basis then why wouldn't I engage in those defensive mechanisms? Engage shields, Mr. Sulu. I'll admit that I can wear my defensiveness on my sleeve but it's because I feel like I have to d-e-f-e-n-d myself every time I leave my house. I am responding to them and their hurtful behavior first. And I have evidence to bolster my case that it is indeed them and not me who are causing this problem.

I had a friend, Heidi, who was as drop dead gorgeous as they come and it was laughable how much better the service was at a restaurant versus whenever I dined with a more nondescript friend. Our table was never near the bathroom, kitchen door or wait station. Our drinks and food always arrived promptly and service was always with a smile - especially if it was of the male variety providing the service. One time, a gushing waiter was so taken with Heidi that he took her order and turned towards the kitchen without taking mine! I rest my case.

It's hard not to feel beaten down by the weight but I do pride myself on being polite and pleasant to people as often as possible, regardless of my frame of reference. It might also be a geographic phenomenon - the Northeast is not known for its gentility. But I have been on both sides of the fence and I know that it's best where the grass is thinner. I know it's not fair and it's not nice to be treated differently because of my weight but (aha moment ahead) I find that even I do it to myself by engaging in negative self-talk and overreacting to minor mistakes. So if I accept that kind of behavior from myself I can't throw stones at anyone else for doing it either. In that regard I guess the old adage is true: you teach people how to treat you. I need to start treating myself a lot better than I have been to this point.