I have an inverse relationship with my sense of style and my weight. When I've been thin and could buy anything off the rack, I had no vision in terms of how to dress myself. It just didn't seem to matter and so I had a wardrobe full of random pieces; nothing really looked all that well put together but I looked presentable. My thinness was my best - and only- fashion statement. Fast (or "fat") forward to present day and it's a very different story. I know what I want and need out of clothes but what I'm able to get is a whole lot of nothing.
I have a rather festive and dressy event to attend this week and yet have only a stay-at-home mom's wardrobe with which to work: sweat pants, flannel shirts, fleece pullovers. Not exactly Project Runway (although I do consider myself a lot better dressed than some of the designers themselves. How do you have that much fashion talent and still dress yourself like a hobo?). Open up the gates of Hell - it was time to go shopping.
I've watched enough of TLC's "What Not to Wear" to get a general idea of how to hide my liabilities and play up what few assets I might still possess. Dressing well really can lift your spirits. However, the big variable here is what's in the stores. And for a plus size gal, it ain't much. With Stacy and Clinton's help I was able to spot all the items that I needed. The trouble was that none of it came in plus size. The women's departments in every major store I visited were all tucked into the most remote and cramped part of the store (and I'm talking major retailers here) but that was a bonus compared to what was actually on the hangers. In one store, for example, every color hue that failed to make it in juniors or misses had found its place in their women's department. Then there are the fabrics. Lycra, spandex and rib knits should never, never make their way into plus size garments and yet there they were, adding insult to injury - clingy clothes in day-glo colors. How much lower does it go after this kind of humiliation? Online catalog sales, that's how much lower.
Finding little to nothing at the brick and mortar store I went online and found a great trench coat at the aforementioned store - and in a plus size. However, when I tried to order it - they even taunted me a little more by saying it was in stock and actually in a mainstream color (black) - I was kicked out of the system no less than the seven times I tried to order the same fucking coat. I hate this store with a white hot intensity and yet was desperate for a decent trench. I finally gave up the online catalog debacle and googled "plus size trenchcoats". I got a lot of hits and yet when I would select a few and click on the 1X for sizing, it would either limit the style choices to one or two (usually in some very flattering open umbrella cut with big cookie buttons) or the available day-glo colors to some hideous combination you might find on a tropical drink menu or at your local Barnum and Bailey. I was back to my old fashion rut - buying stuff because it fit rather than because I liked any part of it. I hate to admit it but settling has become a major part of my life these days.
I know about the stores that cater to plus size women but I want the larger selection of a big department store and I'm not getting it. I admit that I was so angry and frustrated that my first inclination was to eat something - something big - like office furniture. I cried instead. I'm trying so hard to stay positive but when such a basic need as finding decent clothing is this difficult to do, it sends me into a downward spiral. I didn't overeat as I've had a rather dramatic spike in my weight - up to 216.8 this morning - and don't need to add any fuel to that out of control fire. I know when my stress level goes up my body clings to weight like grim death and so it is as of today. The search continues - not only for decent clothing but for some more positive thoughts to dwell on.
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