Ah, another day of avoiding reflective surfaces. I know the whole idea behind losing weight naturally and for the right reasons is developing a healthy sense of self whereby one finally feels deserving of the better things in life - like a normal body. So tell me how that is possible when every time I look in the mirror (usually when forced to do so at gunpoint), my reflex is to recoil or ask "Who the hell are you?"
I know, I know - the "inner" beauty is supposed to be nurtured and allowed to rise to the surface; supplanting all things superficial and cosmetic. But I'm having a real hard time getting past all the negative feelings about that person looking back at me. I am way past having made that first mistake of walking by a plate glass window and wondering to myself who the fat ass behind me was - when in fact it was me. That was pre-school for me so you can understand how far down this road I already am.
I admit I could use a little good news. The fact is, however, that my weight this morning was 215.6 and I am beyond discouraged. My face is also breaking out and my varicose veins have been acting up so even in the absense of a period anymore, the hormones can still wreak havoc and are probably doing so as we speak. I pray that this is mostly water retention but know that in reaction to the "death by 1000 cuts" rut I have been in for the past couple of weeks or so, I have fallen off the wagon and comforted myself with food. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this stage of the game. But hope endures - I have gotten back into my daily exercise regimen and food journaling so things are looking up, which is the only kind of looking I can stomach at this time.
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