I don't know about you but I function much more efficiently when I'm in a good mood. This, unfortunately, runs contrary to the part of the country in which I live. The South is known for their hospitality, the West for their laid-back approach toward life, the Midwesterns are just plain nice as can be.....and then there's the Northeast; New England in particular.
While we pride ourselves on having a lot of smart people doing a lot of smart things at some of the world's best universities, hospitals and businesses, this does not always equate to a well-developed sense of the world beyond the end of our noses. Hence the phrase "book smart". I should mention that I do NOT consider myself in that crowd. I'm the rare friendly New Englander who just barely graduated college with a degree in Finance and a PhD in honkin' good times. I was brought up in the unassuming southeastern part of Connecticut - not the Gold Coast that is Greenwich and New Canaan; playgrounds of the rich and famous. Oh no - we're not like that at all. We're much more modest and polite. But when I moved to the outskirts of Boston, all bets were off.
While we pride ourselves on having a lot of smart people doing a lot of smart things at some of the world's best universities, hospitals and businesses, this does not always equate to a well-developed sense of the world beyond the end of our noses. Hence the phrase "book smart". I should mention that I do NOT consider myself in that crowd. I'm the rare friendly New Englander who just barely graduated college with a degree in Finance and a PhD in honkin' good times. I was brought up in the unassuming southeastern part of Connecticut - not the Gold Coast that is Greenwich and New Canaan; playgrounds of the rich and famous. Oh no - we're not like that at all. We're much more modest and polite. But when I moved to the outskirts of Boston, all bets were off.
I like to think that if our state had a motto (other than the lame-o Latin variety that I'm sure already exists), it would be "Me First" - and that's only because "Get the F*ck out of my way, you lowlife gravy-sucking pig" wouldn't fit on the state seal. Aside from my cirlce of friends, I find the common Masshole variety rather rude and pushy on a very consistent basis and quite the damper to my normally sunny disposition (cough).
Enter the "NCV" - the Non-confrontational Victory - sort of like our favorite NSV (non-scale victories) in terms of pride of accomplishment and yet it is defensive and preventive in nature. Allow me to demonstrate.
1) (Preventive) You've been shopping at a wholesale store and are using the self-checkout lane. The woman behind you clearly thinks her time is more important than yours and starts ringing up her order before you've finished getting your stuff off the belt and safely into the carriage. Her palette of Diet Coke is about to crush your dozen of eggs. Solution: make the last item you ring up something the next person in line wouldn't want her stuff to be touching - drain cleaner, fertilizer, adult diapers, leaky chicken package. You get the picture.
2) (Defensive) The tailgating loser with the small penis and fancy sports car is right on your ass. Road rage in Massachusetts is a particularly virulent blood sport. The old school method of braking suddenly does not always have the desired outcome, such as rear-end collisions. Solution: spray your windshield with washer fluid as your car is in motion. This drives the aforementioned loser apeshit - especially the BMW drivers - as your afterwash is now all over his fancy sports car. I become almost faint with glee as I see him pull his Sham-Wow from his glove compartment as he looks for a field of clover in which to pull over.
It's all about staying positive because that's what gets results and keeps you in the game. Anybody out there have their own NCVs to share?
13 comments:
This is so funny to me, as although I am from the South, in my heart I'm a New Englander.
I love the windshield-wiper fluid one!!! Um, I'm living in the south now, so the most I do is slow waaay down with someone is riding my tail.
I despise it when other people believe their time to be more valuable than mine. I HATE THAT.
Love your proposed motto---
Too funny. I do have to agree with the MA drivers, they aren't called massholes on a lark.
How about when you are driving on a road that is known construction because the sign 3 miles back said THIS LANE ending, and the jerkoffs in that lane stay right until the last possible minute and expect you in the second lane who has been stuck in the backed up traffic to gratiously let them in. This is when my evil tendencies come out, I bebop my head in a very "F off you shithead" condescending manner and I don't look over at them while I stay completely glued to the bumper in front of me.
OOoh, No.2 I have used on occasion, but No.1 is a BRILLIANT one - will definitely be using that one!
Highly entertaining post! Cape Town must have some New England aspirations, because I can totally identify!
"a PhD in honkin' good times"
Attaining this is my next goal. Better late than never...
About the arseholish driving...it's everywhere. We are a nation suffering from massive arrested development.
I like the windshield wiper tactic. Nice.
My favorite Masshole thing is one our daughter told us about. (She went to college in Boston) Her Bostonian roommate and now best friend, told here that turn signals were a sign of weakness, and no one with any sense at all would think of using one. Typical, isn't it? Drivers are all supposed to go where they want, when they want.
OMG, this explains why the drivers and walkabouts in Boston were so rude to us when we visited there last year. Man, I thought it was us...
Just found your blog. This post? Too funny. Looking forward to reading more.
This post is too funny! However, speaking as a New Englander in the NE part of VT, I would just like to clarify that we don't claim Mass. as even being part of New England. No offense to any native Massholes out there. Er, um I mean, any natives of the state of Mass.
http://hecate-metamorphosis.blogspot.com
Love the NCV's!
I will definitely have to remember the windshield wiper one, because I hate tailgaters.
I've been biking more this summer and definitely need a NCV for all the massholes who see me coming and then pull out right in front of me anyway, because they don't want to wait two seconds to pull into traffic and would rather have me slam on my brakes and come to an abrupt stop. All of my fantasy solutions would be ECV's--Extremely Confrontational Victories, but they also might lead to incarceration. Which might be worth it anyway.
I need more of these!! Maybe you could start a weekly column - "Masshole Monday".
The South isn't what it use to be, especially on the roads. I use to travel to Boston one week out of every month (years ago), and found it to be so friendly...maybe I just didn't understand that they were all making fun of me and my Southern drawl!
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