Who Will I Be If I Don't Lose This Weight?

"Who will I be if I don't lose this weight?" 

I read something similar to this statement in a book a few weeks ago.  I can't even remember which one but the essence of it was:  who will I be if I don't reach my goal?  It stopped me cold in my tracks.  Certainly I've known for a long time that I'm more than just a number on a scale, and yet time and time again I've failed to do the one thing that is always at the top of my list to accomplish.  I know losing weight won't solve all my other problems but it would certainly boost my self-confidence - not just for looking and feeling better but because I gave my all to something and made it happen.

I don't know when or how I fell into this mindset of not being able to accomplish things that are certainly within my power to change.  The rational side of me knows that I'll never weigh what I did when I was 21, but then again, I'm not the same person now as I was then.  I've always known my physical appearance would change, as would my views about the world and my place in it - evolving through the trials and tribulations of adulthood.  But I never thought I'd stop rising to a challenge.  I never thought I'd sell myself so short for so long.

While that famous saying from Apollo 13 - "failure is not an option" - has become as much of a mantra as Reebok's "just do it" to those of us looking for inspiration with our weight loss struggles, today's post title resonates with me even more.  Failure can in fact be a noble effort - if that effort meant giving it everything you had.  I've had to walk away from things I desperately wanted in my life but couldn't have because everything I had to work with wasn't enough.  That is noble failure - being able to walk away from it with your head held high, knowing that you gave it everything you had.  But that is not what I've done with my weight loss efforts.  I have NOT given it my all on a consistent basis.  I could never walk away from it now knowing I really didn't try my best.

So who will I be if I don't lose this weight?  I'd be someone who gave up on myself without trying my best to become better.  I have everything I need to succeed, but this time I will focus even more on perseverance and patience; two qualities I need to work very hard on developing. 

The Forest for the Trees

I've been getting down on myself so much lately about not losing weight and accomplishing some other goals that I totally forgot to give myself some credit on the thing (person) that mattered to me the most.  As I mentioned in my last post, it has been 10 hard years to achieve this, which is probably why I didn't recognize it at first - I just didn't trust that all our hard work was hopefully nearing an end and had resulted in what I'm so proud to share with you:

My happy boy!

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Helen Keller

(P.S. No, he's not a real lifeguard so don't ever ask him for help if you see him on the beach.  I just think he's going through a "Baywatch" phase.)

Lessons Learned

It wasn't a pretty picture here in ChunkyMonkeyMamaland as I took stock of what I'd hoped to accomplish in 2012 versus what I really did.  Since this is a weight loss blog and one of my goals was to lose weight, I must admit, red face and all, that I lost a total of...drum roll please....0.2 pounds!

There were various ups and downs all year.  I learned a lot about my behavior but haven't yet modified it to generate a meaningful weight loss - and after my most recent blood test coming back "pre-diabetic" for the third straight time - I know I can't keep kicking the can down the road.  I learned that it takes very little chaos to throw me off track.  What can I say?  I'm a spaz.

I've also learned that preparation can take an awful lot of the anxiety out of the chaos.  But I still shop haphazardly for groceries and when the munchies hit me mid-afternoon or my husband asks what's for dinner, I'm usually scrambling for a solution - and it usually isn't a good choice.  It is a fast choice, but not a good one.  My idea of throwing together a dinner is some variation of opening a couple of cans and a bag of noodles.  This needs to change as well.

Mostly, though, I find it difficult to focus and shut off all the other outside noise when it comes time to decide what plan I'm going to follow.  I am so easily distracted and overwhelmed with the choices around me that I often try something for a few days, get knocked off track by some chaotic event, and then begin again with a different plan.  Rinse and repeat.  I'm seriously starting to wonder if I have some form of adult ADD.

At my age, New Year's is a time of reckoning, and when I look back to see how far I've come, I often find I've either been in neutral or reverse the entire year; always thinking there will be a second chance to do the right thing.  I will be the first to admit that I'm my own harshest critic - I tend to accentuate the negative.  But there have been all kinds of instances of me coming close to completing something and then putting on the brakes just before the finish line.  Hello self-sabotage, my old friend.

I would like at this time next year to feel some pride in my accomplishments - whatever I decide them to be.  This year did have its good moments:  most important of which is that my teen finally found the help he so desperately needed and is now flourishing.  It was a hellish 10 years of tracking down one specialist after another and weeding out the good from the bad, battling a constant onslaught of complaints from the schools and neighbors about his problems and my competency as a mother, and almost complete isolation from "regular" folks throughout.  Compassion in these parts is hard to come by.  The teen had many labels pinned on him by so-called experts, one more extreme than the other, but I knew there was more good in him than they ever gave him credit for.  And this past March we finally landed in the very good hands of some very good people who knew just what to do, and he is now a very happy, healthy, high-achieving child that I always knew he could be.  It took it's toll though, wreaking havoc with my emotions, relationships and ability to work outside the home. 

Hopefully, the worst is behind us and we can leave all that wreckage in the past.  Now, maybe, I can devote the same effort and intensity to getting me back to a good place.

Connecticut: A Love Story

I hope you'll indulge me this post about my beloved home state, Connecticut.  I was born and raised there, attended the University of Connecticut, and while it's been many years since I've lived there, I've always dreamed of returning.  Before this horrific tragedy of 12/14, Connecticut was a quiet state in a quiet corner of the world, mostly known for its insurance companies, Yale University, a bedroom community to Manhattan, and the University of Connecticut basketball program.  So unassuming and modest is this state that is sandwiched in between New York and Boston that a Boston-run Dunkin Donuts TV commercial recently referred to it as "Newyorkachusetts".  And believe me, people in Connecticut would be the first to laugh.

Now, unfortunately, it will forever be associated with an unspeakable act of senseless violence.  But in its aftermath, allow me to tell you why I love this place so much.  You may have already recognized some of the reasons yourselves from all the media coverage, but allow me to brag anyway.  The people there are very much like the landscape itself:  gentle and enduring, like the rollings hills that go on forever, with steely spines like the omnipresent rock walls that frame the state and give it so much of its character - never brash or showy; just strong, silent and capable.

The courageous people of Newtown will now go about the unthinkable business of burying their loved ones with a quiet dignity and strength they never knew they possessed or needed to call upon to this degree.   Such grace under fire speaks to the depth of their character and their love and compassion for each other.  I've always known they were made of strong stuff in Connecticut, but I wish to God it hadn't been in response to an event such as this.  May God bless them all.

Marking My Territory: Taking It Back From the Dogs

 "Can't we negotiate this over a Milk Bone or something?"

 
Sorry it's been so long since writing.  When I last wrote, we were about to go to the shore for a week's vacation.  Now I always expect a few things to have gone wrong in our absence and they did - big time.  We bordered our 2 dogs at a kennel and the older one, Scooby, came back, well, sick as a dog.  After rushing him back and forth to the vet's, it was discovered he had ingested some other dog's toy while on his vacation and it had formed a blockage, needing about $4200 worth of surgery and tests to remove.  He convalesced for about 2 weeks at home with me running him outdoors every two hours until he had his staples removed.  We camped out in the kitchen during daylight hours - never a good place for me to be in.  So in addition to the pounds I put on during vacation, my doggie duties were adding even more.

Dog #2 - Daisy - a lab/husky mix we got at the shelter as a reward for the Teen making honor roll (which, in the words of our current VP, was a "BFD") is another story.  First, let me say that yes, I agree with you all, I should've had my head examined before I ever said yes to a second dog.  But the first two rewards on the Teen's list - a lip piercing and a tattoo (sorry, Miz) - were not things we thought were age appropriate.  However, they would've been much lower maintenance than Crazy Daisy.  She just turned one yesterday and still can't be trusted on her own.  I have also locked myself in the kitchen while waiting for her to be old enough to be left on her own without chewing furniture.  My husband says this is crazy - I should just let her out of the crate - she's old enough, he says - and go back up to my office where I'm happiest (and away from food).  So I experimented and let her have the run of downstairs - checking on her occasionally.  Well, that girl still can't be trusted as I caught her chewing a pen which was about to leak all over the rug.  What's a mom to do?

I decided it was time to take charge and mark this house as MY territory.  I needed to get back to writing and away from the food showcase that is my kitchen.  So this morning I went to the Y and did 35 minutes on the elliptical.  The twenty-something next to me smiled politely as I started, as if to imply that the staff had better get the paddles ready, but I finished without bursting any arteries or stroking out.  Now my usual course of action would have been to let Daisy out of her crate when I got home and take up my post in the kitchen.  Not today!  I took my shower, got dressed and moved right to my office to get back to writing - as it should've been from the start.  I'm too much of a figurative and literal softy - always thinking I have to put everyone else's needs ahead of my own - even my furry little friends.

I still struggle with putting myself first but am coming around to realizing that if I want to make each day - and myself - better than the last, I had better take back the important things I had ceded to those with a less pressing agenda.  Sorry, pups, but Mama's back in charge.

Talk is Cheap - Time for Action

I've been "laying the foundation" (mentally) in preparation of this latest weight loss effort.  I've been trying to get my head in the right place - although it still seems miles from here - but at least I'm still working on what I consider to be my biggest stumbling block.

But I've also decided that I need to add some hard facts to this equation, like what exactly am I eating day-to-day.  Oh yeah - that.  So for the next few weeks I'm going to track the amount of calories I'm taking in just to finally face up to the fact that it's probably a whole lot more than I really need.  I'm going to be as objective as possible about it too - I won't get caught up in the whole shame/berate/loathing mode.  I just want to see what needs fixing in the food department.

Probably not such great timing (I am FAMOUS for my bad timing) as we're going on vacation Saturday for a week at the beach.  I can't wait!  We'll have our own kitchen so I'll be able to track most of the calories I'll be eating.  Plus, I expect to do A LOT of walking on the beach - is there anything better?!

So that's the plan for now.  I realize I need to keep it in front of me and be consistent if I'm going to be successful.  Will report back soon.

Murphy's Law Meets Gigi's Law

Hello fellow bloggers!  It's been a while since my last post - my sins are....Oops!  Wrong venue.  But then again when you've been forced to your knees by Murphy's Law, it's easy to get confused as to why you find yourself in a kneeling position (and I mean that in the best possible way, of course.  This is a family blog.)

So what was so awful, you ask?  I'm embarrassed (but relieved) to admit that no one is sick, mangled or otherwise in compromised health.  Nothing was devastating.  It reminds me of that TV ad for Stamps Online, or something to that effect, where one of the people giving a testamonial states that "there is nothing worse than standing in line at the Post Office."  Really?  I know it's just an ad but somebody really needs a venti-sized cup of perspective.

In my case, it was just a little death by a thousand cuts: 
- My laptop crapped out and needed a new hard drive (all email addresses are now floating somewhere in the ethersphere, along with some files)
- Our will got lost and when we called our lawyer for a copy because we wanted to make some changes, he discovered he'd lost it too.  A new one is available at half his usual fee - $750! 
- The "waterfront, oceanview" cottage we're renting at the end of the month turns out to have another cottage right between us and said waterfront - which we never actually found out from the owner herself - only from Google Earth-ing it ourselves - unfortunately too late to do anything about it.  The ad, in our opinion, was fraught with deceptive language and photos, always careful never to show the cottage in context.  Lesson learned.  And while I have a very difficult time biting my tongue on this one (because I'll probably want to rent her actual waterfront cottage next year!), I have no problem with running her a/c with the windows open for the entire week; carbon footprint be damned.  Passive-aggressive?   Who? Moi?
- I had my physical and my doctor, whom I've had for 15 years, suggested I try bariatric surgery - not as a first option, she said to soothe my ruffled feathers, but because she knows I've been struggling with the weight for so long.  Gulp - I never considered myself big enough for that but I seem to have reached the outer limits (in more ways than one, apparently!!).
- I just turned 55 and wear a size 22.

Bleh!

But the good news is there's nothing here that can't be solved.  That's where I turn Murphy's Law ("Anything that can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible moment") into Gigi's Law ("Sh*t happens but is also biodegradable").  In other words, the bad times don't last forever (even though they may sometimes feel like they do!).  In spite of life's little unpleasantries, I have kept my spirits up with my nightly reading of my affirmations book and my umpteenth reading of Geneen Roth's Women, Food & God.  I've really been focusing on improving my inner workings and not allowing life to grab me by the tail and swing me around the room so much.  In the not too distant past, I was the one who would fall apart at the slightest sign of trouble.  No - check that.  I may have gone to pieces on the little stuff but, man, I can tough it out for years on the nitty-gritty, long-term stuff like chasing down every expert, resouce and remedy possible for my kid and my mother to improve their lives.  But the little things?  Remember Alien 2, the movie, where the stuff start hitting the fan and everyone's keeping their cool except for this one Marine who starts shouting, "Show's over, man!  Show's over!!"  That was me.

I wasn't liking how I felt on the inside so I'm working on changing it.  I think feeling bad on the inside is directly related to looking bad on the outside.  I'm giving myself a breather on "dieting" because it's such a toxic word to me now, but will still eat sensibly, knowing that each meal is most certainly not my last so I needn't eat like I'm going to the chair anymore.  Exercise is still in the mix too.  But the most important work I'm doing is dealing with the emotional hunger that's landed me in this hole.  Why do I eat when I'm not hungry?  Instead of my knee-jerk reaction of running to the kitchen when that urge suddenly grabs me by the tail, I sit quietly and try to identify the feeling or emotion that is driving me to behave this way.  It has been a mixed bag so far - but I've only just started.  I expect to get much better at this now that I'm focusing all of my energy on it.  I expect to trust, know, like and forgive myself more than I ever have before.  Fingers crossed.