Quiet on the Set!!!!!!!

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had some background noise filling up the silence - the radio, the TV, the stereo (the what?).  Some of that habit started when I was single and living by myself in a big city, which could be very isolating at times.  I had a great job with great friends but once I went home and it was just me, I felt I needed something or someone - one dimensional as they may have been - keeping me company.

Fast forward some twenty-odd years later and I was still filling my head with all the wrong things.  How did I know they were the wrong things?  The fact that I haven't been able to lose all this weight over the course of about 15 years.  Something, I concluded, was very, very wrong if all these gym and (multiple) Weight Watcher memberships couldn't help me accomplish that task. 

One day, not so long ago, I asked myself if the problem might be more on the inside than it was on the outside. After countless requests to my brother about keeping me informed as to family news, I had just had a huge falling out with him about his unwillingness to do so.  I live about 1 1/2 hours away from our hometown; he, about 20 minutes.  We still share a very sick mother.  After Mr. Big Stuff informed me that he was just too busy to call or shoot me an email, he quickly devolved into calling me names, stirring up unpleasant memories, mocking painful losses in my life - the whole Charlie Sheen magilla - via email of course.  The chump didn't have the cajones to step out from behind his keyboard.

Well, I thought, who needs this bullshit, as I deleted every trace of him from my computer and personal records.  My "family" was now completely in pieces.  I know I'm not the first this has happened to.  But then it hit me that if I was no longer a sister or a member of this family - things I'd always identified with, obviously too much so - then who the hell was I?  It occurred to me that most of the focus of my life had been outward - attaching myself too much to others - rather than being content with who I was on the inside.  And that was the crux of the problem - I'd hadn't taken the time to be still with myself and listen to that "inner voice" (I apologize if this is sounding too crunchy granola for anyone.  I've already insulted you enough with the mime.).  All this time I've been distracting myself with useless noise when I should've been paying more attention to the silence.  Okay, I'm no monk but I have racked up an awful lot of mileage without too much self-examination.

In my case, the overeating is just a symptom.  I believe that if I can "just" be more at peace with myself and figure out what I want to do with my life then I won't feel the need to distract myself with food for not having done it yet.  Still so much learning to do.....

#4 - Is There Any Such Thing As Wanting It "Too Much"?

When I was a junior in college I developed a wild crush on a dorm mate named Mark.  He was tall, good-looking and had a great sense of humor - usually way out of my league.  As we became good friends, I continued to sense a deeper connection with him - if only either one of us had the courage to speak about it openly.  Seeing as he didn't appear to be in any hurry, I decided to take a risk and ask him to a semi-formal dance.  He accepted and I thought we'd soon be a couple.

What's that saying about best laid plans?  Almost immediately after the dance, it was as if I had become radioactive to this guy.  He was suddenly frosty and distant and I thought I had blown it for good.  I was SO sure he felt about me the same way I did about him, but apparently my radar was malfunctioning.  There was nothing more I wanted in this world than to be with this guy.  Nothing.  But I had taken my best shot and although deeply disappointed, was able to walk away knowing I had given it my all.  His loss, I figured.  I stopped trying so hard, let it go and moved on.

I guess you could say I gave it up to God when I left school for the summer break. My heart was broken but I figured time and space would heal the wound.  I waitressed all summer long and joined Weight Watchers for the first time - losing 25 pounds in three months (oh, to have a metabolism like that again!).  I did it for me, of course, since Mark was now just a distant memory.

When I returned to school in the fall, Mark was still there but I no longer treated him like he was so special anymore.  I was still friendly but didn't make plans around him or myself too available - I did as I pleased and went wherever the moment was taking me. Oddly enough, Mark came to his senses and asked me out on a date - just the two of us - to my favorite place on earth - Watch Hill, RI.  I had my guard up - I wasn't going to allow him to break my heart twice.  But by the end of the evening it was clear that that connection I had felt with him earlier in the year was indeed a two-way street and we fell madly in love.  He said he'd been attracted to me from the beginning but a buddy of his was also interested in me and he didn't want to horn in before it had played itself out.  Men!

Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I'm feeling very much the same way with my weight loss efforts these days - I am wanting it too much.  Huh?  How can that be?  I am focusing all of my gnat-like attention on it which is creating huge feelings of deprivation and making me crankier than Kim Kardashian with a thong wedgie.  I need a little perspective here and have to stop over-thinking it so much - but not to the point that I start gaining weight again.  Micromanaging is best left to rocket scientists and Martha Stewart.  I keep feeling that if I could stop trying so hard, it would come more naturally to me, as if waiting for me on a platter.  Now if I could only figure out the "how" part of it ....

#3 - It's Not What They Call You...

I spent way too many years thinking of myself in negative terms.  After peaking way too early in life and falling flat on my face (mind you, from taking a healthy risk that was at first very rewarding), "close ones" would refer to me as angry, bitter, a loser, someone who couldn't hack it, lazy, and the list went on.  For years I internalized those names, thinking, at my lowest moments, that perhaps they were really true.  I certainly wasn't thriving and so I did probably the worst thing I could've done to myself:  I agreed with them.

There is a danger in not knowing yourself well enough; not having defined yourself in terms of strength, ability and the size of your heart.  There is a danger in allowing people a place in your life that they don't deserve - even if they are family.  After years of unhappiness and self-doubt, I finally understood that there were too many toxic people in my life and so I started cutting them out, always giving them the option of continuing our relationship provided they conducted themselves with civility and respect.  Not a single one of them accepted that option and we are now estranged (Latin for "I don't have to take this shit at the holidays anymore").

I read a great quote that Democratic strategist Donna Brazile's mother used to tell her about coping with racism:  "It's not what they call you - it's what you answer to."  I think that can apply to many situations in which some people in your life can only feel good about themselves by tearing you down.  Remember you aren't the damaged one - they are.  You don't have to respond when the criticism and name-calling starts - that only gives your tormentors greater satisfaction.  Know that you're everything they're not:  kind, loving and smart - and keep telling yourself that until it sticks.

#2 - Inspiration Is All Around You

Found in a junk mail catalog advertising a wall hanging that had the following on it:

"Have Hope
Be Strong
Laugh Loud
Play Hard
Live in the Moment
Smile Often
Dream Big
Remember You Are Loved
and Never Never Give Up."

#1 - You Have Everything You Need To Succeed

I learned recently that I haven't been trusting myself enough.  I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was headed.  Sure, I hit some bumps in the road but I didn't let them throw me off my game.  Sorry to say that lately that hasn't been the case.

After my dad died a couple of years ago, my weight soared an additional 35 pounds!  I was a mess and my doctor, thinking I was depressed, sent me to a therapist.  The therapist was very nice and was easy to talk to but I didn't feel she was helping me get better.  I also thought I should join a gym - but not just any gym - the really expensive new gym with the personal trainers - I've never had a personal trainer.  And hey, what about a nutritionist?  And while I was at it, I joined Weight Watchers too.  Surely with all this help I was bound to lose the weight that had been haunting me most of the past 20 years.

And then one day, the therapist said something really awful to me.  My teen had been a real challenge lately, to the point of yet another "expert" telling us he had a severe mental problem for which there was no effective treatment or cure (It turned out this "expert" was wrong, too, but we wouldn't learn that for another 6 months).  I was devastated and went to my therapist one morning in tears about the entire situation.  She said, and I quote, "The best you can hope for is when he's old enough that he becomes someone else's problem."  I quit her that day and while I thought she was terribly unprofessional in what she said, she served as the catalyst for me to ditch all my "experts" and find my own strength again.  When had I started giving all my power away to these people and where had it gotten me?  I gave it away because I didn't have enough trust in myself to realize I could do it on my own.  I was naively hoping that all these "experts" could do it for me - but of course we all know that we can only do it for ourselves.

I started this blog 3 years or so ago and was able to lose almost 30 pounds on my own by food journaling, exercising and blogging.  I did it all on my own and can do it again.  I am maintaining my Weight Watchers membership for now to help me with the accountability issues I have.

I think deep down everyone knows what it is they need to succeed. Once in a while we may even need others to help us get to the point of self-sufficiency.  But I have no doubt that we all have everything we need to succeed if we just dig deep enough, long enough.

"You Had Me At .Blogspot"

Hello, fellow bloggers!  I'm back!  I couldn't stay away.  And just when you thought it was safe to turn on your computers and all those other electronic thing-a-ma-jiggies that have sprouted up in the two years since my last post that I still don't know how to operate.  Actually, it took me 6 tries before I was able to access my blog.  I think I'm beginning to turn into my parents as I recall their reluctance at installing caller ID.

So what's happened in the past two years?  I won't bore you with the details but there's been extensive family drama, most of which was resolved yesterday as the Teen was accepted into a program we have all been praying for.  Also, I have put back all the weight I lost, plus some.  Shortly after I stopped blogging in 2010, I developed a nasty case of Achilles tendonitis from playing tennis which sidelined me for months while going through physical therapy.  However, I did notice that I had no such affliction in my fingers, hands or elbows which helped helped ease my distress by loading food into my mouth.  Where I once was at the gates of Onederland, I now find myself in Oprah territory (and I love me some Oprah so don't take that the wrong way - I'm just saying we're probably sharing the same size, altho regrettably, not the same income).

Blogging for me this time around is going to be a little different.  I've figured out that the whole weight loss deal for me is about 90% mental and the other half physical (thank you, Yogi Berra) and I have been wallowing a little too much at the pity trough.  So my goal here is to start looking on the brighter side of life through examples taken from every day observations.  Sounds like a set-up for "Punk'd", doesn't it?  And since I'm so fond of lists, I'll be numbering my posts, in no particular order of importance.  I doubt I'll be able to post every day but I aim for at least one or two a week (don't wear yourself out, Mama!).  I will also try to keep up with my old blogging buddies too.  See you Monday!

TTFN

I always made a promise to myself that I would never be the type of blogger who would just ride off into the sunset without saying goodbye. I've come to know and like so many of you that it just wouldn't be the way to treat a friend. But the time has come - I think - to forge new trails and so this will be my last post.

My life is at a real crossroads right now and there is much for me to sort through. I'll still continue the good fight towards becoming healthier and one less Lane Bryant customer. The next step in doing that for me is some real self-examination which I fear would be too private - not to mention boring - to post online.

I've come to admire so many of you and have drawn much inspiration and motivation from your journeys. I'm sure I'll be checking in from time to time to say hello. In the meantime, as Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Ta-ta for now.