When I was a junior in college I developed a wild crush on a dorm mate named Mark. He was tall, good-looking and had a great sense of humor - usually way out of my league. As we became good friends, I continued to sense a deeper connection with him - if only either one of us had the courage to speak about it openly. Seeing as he didn't appear to be in any hurry, I decided to take a risk and ask him to a semi-formal dance. He accepted and I thought we'd soon be a couple.
What's that saying about best laid plans? Almost immediately after the dance, it was as if I had become radioactive to this guy. He was suddenly frosty and distant and I thought I had blown it for good. I was SO sure he felt about me the same way I did about him, but apparently my radar was malfunctioning. There was nothing more I wanted in this world than to be with this guy. Nothing. But I had taken my best shot and although deeply disappointed, was able to walk away knowing I had given it my all. His loss, I figured. I stopped trying so hard, let it go and moved on.
I guess you could say I gave it up to God when I left school for the summer break. My heart was broken but I figured time and space would heal the wound. I waitressed all summer long and joined Weight Watchers for the first time - losing 25 pounds in three months (oh, to have a metabolism like that again!). I did it for me, of course, since Mark was now just a distant memory.
When I returned to school in the fall, Mark was still there but I no longer treated him like he was so special anymore. I was still friendly but didn't make plans around him or myself too available - I did as I pleased and went wherever the moment was taking me. Oddly enough, Mark came to his senses and asked me out on a date - just the two of us - to my favorite place on earth - Watch Hill, RI. I had my guard up - I wasn't going to allow him to break my heart twice. But by the end of the evening it was clear that that connection I had felt with him earlier in the year was indeed a two-way street and we fell madly in love. He said he'd been attracted to me from the beginning but a buddy of his was also interested in me and he didn't want to horn in before it had played itself out. Men!
Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I'm feeling very much the same way with my weight loss efforts these days - I am wanting it too much. Huh? How can that be? I am focusing all of my gnat-like attention on it which is creating huge feelings of deprivation and making me crankier than Kim Kardashian with a thong wedgie. I need a little perspective here and have to stop over-thinking it so much - but not to the point that I start gaining weight again. Micromanaging is best left to rocket scientists and Martha Stewart. I keep feeling that if I could stop trying so hard, it would come more naturally to me, as if waiting for me on a platter. Now if I could only figure out the "how" part of it ....
4 comments:
I agree that you can focus a little too much on anything, including weight loss. It's definitely a delicate balance.
So what happened with Mark? Tell us the rest of the story, Paul Harvey!
Would it help to make a daily food plan, then "forget" it after that? Not forget to eat as you planned, but let go, you planned that snack, or that meal, don't stress, just go with the plan.
When budgeting money, it seems best to boss the budget around while you are making the decisions and writing it down, but once it is down, it is then the boss of you. Maybe what you eat would work out better that way, too. Manage it, boss it around, decide, write; then it's the boss, you are just following orders.
And yes, i want the rest of the story, too, if you want to share.
Alas, I moved to the big city after school while he was still struggling to graduate. He was willing to follow me there but my head got turned by all the bright, big city lights and I thought I was destined for bigger and better things. Sigh - I guess that's why they call it being "Young and stupid".
BTW, Shelley and Mimi - I cannot access your comments even when I'm signed in. Will keep working at it but wanted to check in with you both.
Hey, I missed you! Glad you're back!
I love hearing about romantic wrangling from our storied youth. Of course, it was always fun at the time, but enjoyable in retrospect.
My BF likes to quote, "To tighten your hold, relax your grip."
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