#1 - You Have Everything You Need To Succeed

I learned recently that I haven't been trusting myself enough.  I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was headed.  Sure, I hit some bumps in the road but I didn't let them throw me off my game.  Sorry to say that lately that hasn't been the case.

After my dad died a couple of years ago, my weight soared an additional 35 pounds!  I was a mess and my doctor, thinking I was depressed, sent me to a therapist.  The therapist was very nice and was easy to talk to but I didn't feel she was helping me get better.  I also thought I should join a gym - but not just any gym - the really expensive new gym with the personal trainers - I've never had a personal trainer.  And hey, what about a nutritionist?  And while I was at it, I joined Weight Watchers too.  Surely with all this help I was bound to lose the weight that had been haunting me most of the past 20 years.

And then one day, the therapist said something really awful to me.  My teen had been a real challenge lately, to the point of yet another "expert" telling us he had a severe mental problem for which there was no effective treatment or cure (It turned out this "expert" was wrong, too, but we wouldn't learn that for another 6 months).  I was devastated and went to my therapist one morning in tears about the entire situation.  She said, and I quote, "The best you can hope for is when he's old enough that he becomes someone else's problem."  I quit her that day and while I thought she was terribly unprofessional in what she said, she served as the catalyst for me to ditch all my "experts" and find my own strength again.  When had I started giving all my power away to these people and where had it gotten me?  I gave it away because I didn't have enough trust in myself to realize I could do it on my own.  I was naively hoping that all these "experts" could do it for me - but of course we all know that we can only do it for ourselves.

I started this blog 3 years or so ago and was able to lose almost 30 pounds on my own by food journaling, exercising and blogging.  I did it all on my own and can do it again.  I am maintaining my Weight Watchers membership for now to help me with the accountability issues I have.

I think deep down everyone knows what it is they need to succeed. Once in a while we may even need others to help us get to the point of self-sufficiency.  But I have no doubt that we all have everything we need to succeed if we just dig deep enough, long enough.

"You Had Me At .Blogspot"

Hello, fellow bloggers!  I'm back!  I couldn't stay away.  And just when you thought it was safe to turn on your computers and all those other electronic thing-a-ma-jiggies that have sprouted up in the two years since my last post that I still don't know how to operate.  Actually, it took me 6 tries before I was able to access my blog.  I think I'm beginning to turn into my parents as I recall their reluctance at installing caller ID.

So what's happened in the past two years?  I won't bore you with the details but there's been extensive family drama, most of which was resolved yesterday as the Teen was accepted into a program we have all been praying for.  Also, I have put back all the weight I lost, plus some.  Shortly after I stopped blogging in 2010, I developed a nasty case of Achilles tendonitis from playing tennis which sidelined me for months while going through physical therapy.  However, I did notice that I had no such affliction in my fingers, hands or elbows which helped helped ease my distress by loading food into my mouth.  Where I once was at the gates of Onederland, I now find myself in Oprah territory (and I love me some Oprah so don't take that the wrong way - I'm just saying we're probably sharing the same size, altho regrettably, not the same income).

Blogging for me this time around is going to be a little different.  I've figured out that the whole weight loss deal for me is about 90% mental and the other half physical (thank you, Yogi Berra) and I have been wallowing a little too much at the pity trough.  So my goal here is to start looking on the brighter side of life through examples taken from every day observations.  Sounds like a set-up for "Punk'd", doesn't it?  And since I'm so fond of lists, I'll be numbering my posts, in no particular order of importance.  I doubt I'll be able to post every day but I aim for at least one or two a week (don't wear yourself out, Mama!).  I will also try to keep up with my old blogging buddies too.  See you Monday!

TTFN

I always made a promise to myself that I would never be the type of blogger who would just ride off into the sunset without saying goodbye. I've come to know and like so many of you that it just wouldn't be the way to treat a friend. But the time has come - I think - to forge new trails and so this will be my last post.

My life is at a real crossroads right now and there is much for me to sort through. I'll still continue the good fight towards becoming healthier and one less Lane Bryant customer. The next step in doing that for me is some real self-examination which I fear would be too private - not to mention boring - to post online.

I've come to admire so many of you and have drawn much inspiration and motivation from your journeys. I'm sure I'll be checking in from time to time to say hello. In the meantime, as Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Ta-ta for now.

Silver Linings

Thank you all for your kind words of sympathy on the passing of my Dad. Yes, it will certainly be a while until I can get through the day without crying and I will miss him every day. But each heartbreak always seems to bring a chance for a new beginning - even if not right away and not a something we always immediately recognize. Sometimes we need time and perspective until we realize that what was broken has opened up a new pathway for us to grow. Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley but you get the idea.

With the loss of Dad comes an opportunity to redefine myself through my own eyes - not my family's. I was always the people-pleaser; the go-along-to-get-along girl who suppressed too many feelings lest my opinions offend. I was too outward focused on others' approval instead of developing my own set of beliefs and passions. I accepted everyone else's opinion of me as fact. It's been a rocky road towards self-acceptance but I think I'm finally starting to see some clearing. The weight has never been about me not knowing the physical mechanics of how to lose it. For me, and maybe for some of you, it's been finding a way to be comfortable in my own skin before I could apply those mechanics to my weight problem. I have to identify the feelings have I been smothering with food all this time and bring them to the surface on order to deal with them head-on.

There's always a silver lining.

Back Among the Living

My Dad
April 18, 2010

It's been a sad time around here. My Dad passed away last Sunday. He had many chronic conditions and had dodged many bullets up to this point so we fully expected when he entered the hospital 2 1/2 months ago for surgery that he'd wind up back home again. The surgery went well but he contracted pneumonia and never regained consciousness. He was such a self-assured person - the kind you think would live forever - but everyone has their time and so did he.

He was quite a big man about town, which accounts for the media coverage at the funeral. I'm still trying to process it all - he had such an enormous impact on my life - some good, some bad. I don't know when I'll be back in the loop with you all again. Blogging has dropped a bit on my priority list for now as there are suddenly more pressing issues that need sorting out.

Hope you're all happy and well and succeeding with your plans. I hope to catch up with you soon.

Me and the Teen

And Now For Something Completely Different

Many thanks for all your good wishes on my last post. I was reluctant to write it because it was such a downer but it's what's been occupying my thoughts for weeks. I haven't been posting regularly because I just haven't felt that I had much to add to the conversation - or was even really thinking much along the lines of taking care of myself. But the situation with my parents is very much out of my control and so I DO have to take care of myself, as I'm sure the times will become even more pressing. Time to buck up!

The rain forced me back into the gym today and I made friends again with the elliptical and introduced myself to the rowing machine. Ethel and Lucy made the rowing a little more difficult than it probably should have been as I can't crouch like I did when I was 30, but it felt like a good workout.

For those of you who feel your emotions are a key component to your weight situation, I've just bought and have begun reading Geneen Roth's newest book, Women, Food and God. I'm still only in the early pages but like how she emphasizes the need to really explore your emotions at your most basic level; emotions like love, fear anger, etc. I love her writing style and am intrigued by this latest book. I have always felt that in order to successfully lose AND then maintain that loss, I had to figure out what was causing the overeating in the first place. Otherwise, it would be like shoveling quicksand. I'll keep you posted.

I have tried accessing many of your sites the past few days to catch up with everyone but Blogger has been glacially slow. It's like the old dial-up days. Anyone else having that problem? I'll keep at it and hopefully will break the code soon.

Where The Hell Have You Been?

Lordy, I can't believe so much time has passed since my last post. Apologies all around. I have been dealing with some serious issues of late. My father has been in ICU for almost 5 weeks now and is back on a ventilator. I haven't heard his voice or seen him awake in all that time. In the past, he's always dodged every bullet that's come his way and is one of those larger-than-life personalities who you never really think will one day be rendered completely helpless. Until now. My siblings and I will be meeting with the doctors this week to ask the really hard questions and checking with his attorney as to whether he has a living will. He has always said he wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines.

I have had a life of incredible contrasts with my dad. As a child, I thought he was the strongest, smartest, greatest dad alive. Whenever he'd call me in from playing outdoors, he'd always start singing, "Here she comes, Miss America!" as I ran towards him (I was much cuter back then). But as I grew, I found him to be overly critical of me and everyone else. He had a long fuse but when it ran out, his temper was frightening. Nothing was ever quite good enough for him and he would always be sure to let us know how we failed to measure up - even as adults. So many years later, that disapproval and criticism are still in my head, much as I try to cover it over with more positive thoughts. There have been many family dramas that found us on completely opposite sides of the fence as well. And through it all, I maintained my devotion and loyalty to him; although some boundaries were eventually set up to maintain my sanity.

He is not without his good points. Over his lifetime, he and my mother have always been actively involved in their community and very philanthropic; making legions of friends along the way. He always provided for us in material ways and taught us how to value the more important things in life - even if the way he went about teaching them was sometimes flawed.

So how does all this relate to a weight loss blog? Well, while sitting at his bedside, not so much. But in the larger sense, it has everything to do with it. So much of what I think about myself - my doubts about my capabilities and worthiness - have their roots in how he treated me and had so little faith in me. Make no mistake - parents have incredible power over their children during the formative years, and I've not been a perfect one by a long shot either. I realize as I write this there is a fine line between making excuses for living beneath my potential and calling reality by its real name, and probably a whole lot of gray in between.

In any event, after all is said in done, I still love my father and forgive him for everything. I can't say I've made total peace with it all. There are always the conversations I wished I'd been brave enough to have with him but was afraid they would only have made things worse, as was often the case. For all the troubles we've had, I still wish I could talk with him, hug him and hear him laugh. And if I never get the chance to speak with him again, I take comfort in knowing that my last words to him were, "I love you". And in the end, it's really only love that matters anyway.