#3 - It's Not What They Call You...

I spent way too many years thinking of myself in negative terms.  After peaking way too early in life and falling flat on my face (mind you, from taking a healthy risk that was at first very rewarding), "close ones" would refer to me as angry, bitter, a loser, someone who couldn't hack it, lazy, and the list went on.  For years I internalized those names, thinking, at my lowest moments, that perhaps they were really true.  I certainly wasn't thriving and so I did probably the worst thing I could've done to myself:  I agreed with them.

There is a danger in not knowing yourself well enough; not having defined yourself in terms of strength, ability and the size of your heart.  There is a danger in allowing people a place in your life that they don't deserve - even if they are family.  After years of unhappiness and self-doubt, I finally understood that there were too many toxic people in my life and so I started cutting them out, always giving them the option of continuing our relationship provided they conducted themselves with civility and respect.  Not a single one of them accepted that option and we are now estranged (Latin for "I don't have to take this shit at the holidays anymore").

I read a great quote that Democratic strategist Donna Brazile's mother used to tell her about coping with racism:  "It's not what they call you - it's what you answer to."  I think that can apply to many situations in which some people in your life can only feel good about themselves by tearing you down.  Remember you aren't the damaged one - they are.  You don't have to respond when the criticism and name-calling starts - that only gives your tormentors greater satisfaction.  Know that you're everything they're not:  kind, loving and smart - and keep telling yourself that until it sticks.

#2 - Inspiration Is All Around You

Found in a junk mail catalog advertising a wall hanging that had the following on it:

"Have Hope
Be Strong
Laugh Loud
Play Hard
Live in the Moment
Smile Often
Dream Big
Remember You Are Loved
and Never Never Give Up."

#1 - You Have Everything You Need To Succeed

I learned recently that I haven't been trusting myself enough.  I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was headed.  Sure, I hit some bumps in the road but I didn't let them throw me off my game.  Sorry to say that lately that hasn't been the case.

After my dad died a couple of years ago, my weight soared an additional 35 pounds!  I was a mess and my doctor, thinking I was depressed, sent me to a therapist.  The therapist was very nice and was easy to talk to but I didn't feel she was helping me get better.  I also thought I should join a gym - but not just any gym - the really expensive new gym with the personal trainers - I've never had a personal trainer.  And hey, what about a nutritionist?  And while I was at it, I joined Weight Watchers too.  Surely with all this help I was bound to lose the weight that had been haunting me most of the past 20 years.

And then one day, the therapist said something really awful to me.  My teen had been a real challenge lately, to the point of yet another "expert" telling us he had a severe mental problem for which there was no effective treatment or cure (It turned out this "expert" was wrong, too, but we wouldn't learn that for another 6 months).  I was devastated and went to my therapist one morning in tears about the entire situation.  She said, and I quote, "The best you can hope for is when he's old enough that he becomes someone else's problem."  I quit her that day and while I thought she was terribly unprofessional in what she said, she served as the catalyst for me to ditch all my "experts" and find my own strength again.  When had I started giving all my power away to these people and where had it gotten me?  I gave it away because I didn't have enough trust in myself to realize I could do it on my own.  I was naively hoping that all these "experts" could do it for me - but of course we all know that we can only do it for ourselves.

I started this blog 3 years or so ago and was able to lose almost 30 pounds on my own by food journaling, exercising and blogging.  I did it all on my own and can do it again.  I am maintaining my Weight Watchers membership for now to help me with the accountability issues I have.

I think deep down everyone knows what it is they need to succeed. Once in a while we may even need others to help us get to the point of self-sufficiency.  But I have no doubt that we all have everything we need to succeed if we just dig deep enough, long enough.

"You Had Me At .Blogspot"

Hello, fellow bloggers!  I'm back!  I couldn't stay away.  And just when you thought it was safe to turn on your computers and all those other electronic thing-a-ma-jiggies that have sprouted up in the two years since my last post that I still don't know how to operate.  Actually, it took me 6 tries before I was able to access my blog.  I think I'm beginning to turn into my parents as I recall their reluctance at installing caller ID.

So what's happened in the past two years?  I won't bore you with the details but there's been extensive family drama, most of which was resolved yesterday as the Teen was accepted into a program we have all been praying for.  Also, I have put back all the weight I lost, plus some.  Shortly after I stopped blogging in 2010, I developed a nasty case of Achilles tendonitis from playing tennis which sidelined me for months while going through physical therapy.  However, I did notice that I had no such affliction in my fingers, hands or elbows which helped helped ease my distress by loading food into my mouth.  Where I once was at the gates of Onederland, I now find myself in Oprah territory (and I love me some Oprah so don't take that the wrong way - I'm just saying we're probably sharing the same size, altho regrettably, not the same income).

Blogging for me this time around is going to be a little different.  I've figured out that the whole weight loss deal for me is about 90% mental and the other half physical (thank you, Yogi Berra) and I have been wallowing a little too much at the pity trough.  So my goal here is to start looking on the brighter side of life through examples taken from every day observations.  Sounds like a set-up for "Punk'd", doesn't it?  And since I'm so fond of lists, I'll be numbering my posts, in no particular order of importance.  I doubt I'll be able to post every day but I aim for at least one or two a week (don't wear yourself out, Mama!).  I will also try to keep up with my old blogging buddies too.  See you Monday!

TTFN

I always made a promise to myself that I would never be the type of blogger who would just ride off into the sunset without saying goodbye. I've come to know and like so many of you that it just wouldn't be the way to treat a friend. But the time has come - I think - to forge new trails and so this will be my last post.

My life is at a real crossroads right now and there is much for me to sort through. I'll still continue the good fight towards becoming healthier and one less Lane Bryant customer. The next step in doing that for me is some real self-examination which I fear would be too private - not to mention boring - to post online.

I've come to admire so many of you and have drawn much inspiration and motivation from your journeys. I'm sure I'll be checking in from time to time to say hello. In the meantime, as Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Ta-ta for now.

Silver Linings

Thank you all for your kind words of sympathy on the passing of my Dad. Yes, it will certainly be a while until I can get through the day without crying and I will miss him every day. But each heartbreak always seems to bring a chance for a new beginning - even if not right away and not a something we always immediately recognize. Sometimes we need time and perspective until we realize that what was broken has opened up a new pathway for us to grow. Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley but you get the idea.

With the loss of Dad comes an opportunity to redefine myself through my own eyes - not my family's. I was always the people-pleaser; the go-along-to-get-along girl who suppressed too many feelings lest my opinions offend. I was too outward focused on others' approval instead of developing my own set of beliefs and passions. I accepted everyone else's opinion of me as fact. It's been a rocky road towards self-acceptance but I think I'm finally starting to see some clearing. The weight has never been about me not knowing the physical mechanics of how to lose it. For me, and maybe for some of you, it's been finding a way to be comfortable in my own skin before I could apply those mechanics to my weight problem. I have to identify the feelings have I been smothering with food all this time and bring them to the surface on order to deal with them head-on.

There's always a silver lining.

Back Among the Living

My Dad
April 18, 2010

It's been a sad time around here. My Dad passed away last Sunday. He had many chronic conditions and had dodged many bullets up to this point so we fully expected when he entered the hospital 2 1/2 months ago for surgery that he'd wind up back home again. The surgery went well but he contracted pneumonia and never regained consciousness. He was such a self-assured person - the kind you think would live forever - but everyone has their time and so did he.

He was quite a big man about town, which accounts for the media coverage at the funeral. I'm still trying to process it all - he had such an enormous impact on my life - some good, some bad. I don't know when I'll be back in the loop with you all again. Blogging has dropped a bit on my priority list for now as there are suddenly more pressing issues that need sorting out.

Hope you're all happy and well and succeeding with your plans. I hope to catch up with you soon.

Me and the Teen