Silver Linings

Thank you all for your kind words of sympathy on the passing of my Dad. Yes, it will certainly be a while until I can get through the day without crying and I will miss him every day. But each heartbreak always seems to bring a chance for a new beginning - even if not right away and not a something we always immediately recognize. Sometimes we need time and perspective until we realize that what was broken has opened up a new pathway for us to grow. Okay, okay - I know I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley but you get the idea.

With the loss of Dad comes an opportunity to redefine myself through my own eyes - not my family's. I was always the people-pleaser; the go-along-to-get-along girl who suppressed too many feelings lest my opinions offend. I was too outward focused on others' approval instead of developing my own set of beliefs and passions. I accepted everyone else's opinion of me as fact. It's been a rocky road towards self-acceptance but I think I'm finally starting to see some clearing. The weight has never been about me not knowing the physical mechanics of how to lose it. For me, and maybe for some of you, it's been finding a way to be comfortable in my own skin before I could apply those mechanics to my weight problem. I have to identify the feelings have I been smothering with food all this time and bring them to the surface on order to deal with them head-on.

There's always a silver lining.

Back Among the Living

My Dad
April 18, 2010

It's been a sad time around here. My Dad passed away last Sunday. He had many chronic conditions and had dodged many bullets up to this point so we fully expected when he entered the hospital 2 1/2 months ago for surgery that he'd wind up back home again. The surgery went well but he contracted pneumonia and never regained consciousness. He was such a self-assured person - the kind you think would live forever - but everyone has their time and so did he.

He was quite a big man about town, which accounts for the media coverage at the funeral. I'm still trying to process it all - he had such an enormous impact on my life - some good, some bad. I don't know when I'll be back in the loop with you all again. Blogging has dropped a bit on my priority list for now as there are suddenly more pressing issues that need sorting out.

Hope you're all happy and well and succeeding with your plans. I hope to catch up with you soon.

Me and the Teen

And Now For Something Completely Different

Many thanks for all your good wishes on my last post. I was reluctant to write it because it was such a downer but it's what's been occupying my thoughts for weeks. I haven't been posting regularly because I just haven't felt that I had much to add to the conversation - or was even really thinking much along the lines of taking care of myself. But the situation with my parents is very much out of my control and so I DO have to take care of myself, as I'm sure the times will become even more pressing. Time to buck up!

The rain forced me back into the gym today and I made friends again with the elliptical and introduced myself to the rowing machine. Ethel and Lucy made the rowing a little more difficult than it probably should have been as I can't crouch like I did when I was 30, but it felt like a good workout.

For those of you who feel your emotions are a key component to your weight situation, I've just bought and have begun reading Geneen Roth's newest book, Women, Food and God. I'm still only in the early pages but like how she emphasizes the need to really explore your emotions at your most basic level; emotions like love, fear anger, etc. I love her writing style and am intrigued by this latest book. I have always felt that in order to successfully lose AND then maintain that loss, I had to figure out what was causing the overeating in the first place. Otherwise, it would be like shoveling quicksand. I'll keep you posted.

I have tried accessing many of your sites the past few days to catch up with everyone but Blogger has been glacially slow. It's like the old dial-up days. Anyone else having that problem? I'll keep at it and hopefully will break the code soon.

Where The Hell Have You Been?

Lordy, I can't believe so much time has passed since my last post. Apologies all around. I have been dealing with some serious issues of late. My father has been in ICU for almost 5 weeks now and is back on a ventilator. I haven't heard his voice or seen him awake in all that time. In the past, he's always dodged every bullet that's come his way and is one of those larger-than-life personalities who you never really think will one day be rendered completely helpless. Until now. My siblings and I will be meeting with the doctors this week to ask the really hard questions and checking with his attorney as to whether he has a living will. He has always said he wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines.

I have had a life of incredible contrasts with my dad. As a child, I thought he was the strongest, smartest, greatest dad alive. Whenever he'd call me in from playing outdoors, he'd always start singing, "Here she comes, Miss America!" as I ran towards him (I was much cuter back then). But as I grew, I found him to be overly critical of me and everyone else. He had a long fuse but when it ran out, his temper was frightening. Nothing was ever quite good enough for him and he would always be sure to let us know how we failed to measure up - even as adults. So many years later, that disapproval and criticism are still in my head, much as I try to cover it over with more positive thoughts. There have been many family dramas that found us on completely opposite sides of the fence as well. And through it all, I maintained my devotion and loyalty to him; although some boundaries were eventually set up to maintain my sanity.

He is not without his good points. Over his lifetime, he and my mother have always been actively involved in their community and very philanthropic; making legions of friends along the way. He always provided for us in material ways and taught us how to value the more important things in life - even if the way he went about teaching them was sometimes flawed.

So how does all this relate to a weight loss blog? Well, while sitting at his bedside, not so much. But in the larger sense, it has everything to do with it. So much of what I think about myself - my doubts about my capabilities and worthiness - have their roots in how he treated me and had so little faith in me. Make no mistake - parents have incredible power over their children during the formative years, and I've not been a perfect one by a long shot either. I realize as I write this there is a fine line between making excuses for living beneath my potential and calling reality by its real name, and probably a whole lot of gray in between.

In any event, after all is said in done, I still love my father and forgive him for everything. I can't say I've made total peace with it all. There are always the conversations I wished I'd been brave enough to have with him but was afraid they would only have made things worse, as was often the case. For all the troubles we've had, I still wish I could talk with him, hug him and hear him laugh. And if I never get the chance to speak with him again, I take comfort in knowing that my last words to him were, "I love you". And in the end, it's really only love that matters anyway.

If You Talk About It, You Lose It (Momentum, That Is - Not Weight)

I can't believe it's been a week since my last confession...er, post. I've been working on keeping focused and sometimes it feels like if I talk about it, I lose it - know what I mean? The eating's been pretty good and recorded in the journal, the exercise has been increased by an extra 10-15 minutes and my head's in a pretty good place, relatively speaking. The teen has been providing plenty of drama and "tall tales". Ugh! How do I know when he's lying? His lips are moving. I've heard they outgrow this kind of thing but really - he's either headed for jail or congress - or both.

I've been able to shed about 3 1/2 pounds of that sudden burst of weight I had last month. Whew. Still, it bugs me when I lose the same weight over and over - what a waste of time. I'm still a couple of pounds over my most recent low weight and am avoiding the scale so I won't self-sabotage. I want to get through that number the next time I weigh myself so that I won't feel taunted by it like I do now. Make any sense to anyone else out there? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Hope all is well with you.

Walk This WWay? Not This Time.

Many thanks for all your input on the WW thing. As Kathy and Deanna suggested, I did slow down long enough to ask myself why it didn't work in the past and had some cupcake-induced flashbacks. I remember loving the meeting leader but the weigh-in nazis were a drag right out of the gate and SO much of the conversation focused on eating, eating and, well, more eating. I get that some people want to know how to construct a gingerbread house entirely of Splenda and water but not me. I always wanted a more balanced approach of smarter eating strategies, behavior modification and emotional search techniques. But, without fail, it would always center around how to substitute some bad recipe ingredient with apple sauce or some other cooking secrets. I remember now coming out of there feeling frustrated. Other meeting times were pretty much the same. Aside from the accountability factor and the leader, the rest of my considerable needs weren't being met.

Maybe I was looking more for a 12 step program - which I actually tried once, now that I think about it. A friend wanted to try an Overeaters Anonymous meeting so I went along with to see what it was like. Mmmm - it was not my cup of tea. I didn't think I was a real food addict. I think maybe I am only a 6 stepper or something inbetween WW and OA.

Suffice it to say, I'm not going to go the WW route for now. I am going to continue with the food journaling, blogging and exercising. My weight is acting very weird lately - I don't know if all the Advil I've been taking is messing with it or I'm just not paying close enough attention. When I was in full toothache mode, I wasn't exercising because it hurt too much. The pain has lessened and so I've been exercising since early last week so maybe my body's still in slacker mode. Hope it decides to get a little more Denise Austin sometime soon.

Junk-in-the-Trunk Mail

Even though I said I'd never join Weight Watchers again, I got a free membership fee coupon in the mail last week that has been haunting me. Oh sure, junk mail haunts all of us - we can't just toss it in the trash anymore like the good old days. No, we have to open it all up and take out whatever stuff has our name and any other identifying information on it and shred the stuff lest our identities be stolen. But this coupon comes at a particularly vulnerable, low-tide time in my life. I've been stuck in this 3-4 pound zone for ages and know I HAVE to lose more weight. Not just because it's bathing suit and sleeveless shirt season right around the corner - but for health reasons. I can't keep kicking the can down the road on this like I have for the past 20 years. It's starting to catch up to me.

I've been making my own decisions now for years but this one has really got me on the fence. I've succeeded with WW before - only to pile it all on after leaving the program so there's the whole fear of failing (again!). Accountability to myself is only getting me so far right now. The scale nazis at our local WW always have that look about them like they'll beat you to a bloody pulp if there's a gain. That's some incentive. That, plus the financial tie-in: if I'm paying for something, there's always a better than even chance that I'm going to get the most out of it that I can.

I think I know what I'm going to do but would love to hear your thoughts. Please "weigh in".