Catching Up

Hello, friends. It's been a few days of insanity around here and I've missed checking in with you all. The teen had a couple of controlled asthma events and then yesterday was wailing like a cat stuck in the vacuum (hmmm...how would I know what this sounds like, you ask? That's for another post.) because his back hurt. No Mom, it has nothing to do with the cool but bad-for-your-back messenger bag I use or the continued wolf-boy hunch at the dinner table. The boy is wearing me down.

The sick parents are holding the line although my Dad was dropped by Hospice because he recently had a stent put in a carotid artery and so they've made a judgment that he will live longer....except it was his emphysema that got him connected with them in the first place and that's just as bad as ever. Hearts and lungs - they just don't work as well independently as together, you know? I think they're going to take another look at his case.

Under the category of almost TMI, I had my mammogram this morning at 8:30. I practiced all day yesterday by slamming my car door on Ethel and Lucy. And as usual, no powder or deodorant could be used so the teen and I were virtually twins this morning.

I stopped at the grocery store after the mammo and because my clothes were quite loose on me and my weight is back to its recent low, I was in the reward mode. I came this close to grabbing a blueberry bagel from the bakery department - you know, the kind that are the size of an inner tube? But I physically forced myself to look the other way - down the cat food aisle - and cruised past the beckoning bagels. Score: Gigi - 1, bagel - a big fat bagel. I'll reward myself some other way today that doesn't involve food.

One last thing. Could Jillian Michaels have behaved any more like an f-bombing, cat-scratching, raving lunatic than she did on the opening of The Biggest Loser a couple of nights ago? Grabbing people by the collar? That's motivation? Maybe that passes for normal in the Marine Corp or your local TJ Maxx fitting room but from a trainer? No thanks. If she ever laid a hand on me like that she'd be pulling back a stump. I'll do what I usually do for every season of this show - watch the last 15 minutes of the last episode to see all the befores and afters.

I'm off to catch up with you all.

Plateaus and Muffin-tops

Many thanks to all of you for your great suggestions. The hunger disappeared after a few days and I am close to my most recent all-time low weight so maybe I'll be pushing through it soon.

Over the weekend I took advantage of the big sales at some clothing places. The good news is that I didn't have to shop in the Women's section. The bad news is that the Misses department is like the Miami airport the day before a hurricane hits. Man, talk about the great unwashed. It almost made me want to browse in Women's again.

It was a coolish morning - not cold - and so the a/c was automatically shut off; as was every other ventilating piece of equipment in the mall. The lines to check out were long and slow and as luck would have it, I got behind the woman who was buying 12 items from the $5.99 clearance rack and contesting every f-ing price that rang up when scanned. The incredibly bad jazz for background "music" was really the icing on this crumbcake.

I also noticed a disturbing new trend in fashion: foundations/support built right into the dress. Rather than offer the plus size customer any sizes beyond 14 (and this was a big retailer and there was not ONE dress in the entire store at a size 16 or beyond. Keeping us shackled to those fugly pantsuits I wouldn't dress my dog in), their idiotic option was a petroleum-based garment with that super tight binding spandex that was supposed to smoothe those size 16 and ups of us right down into a 14. Oh yes, what a concept. Talk about muffin-top in the extreme. So much of my fluff was pushed so far down it looked like I was wearing a petticoat. But the real fun started when I tried to take this monstrosity off. Of course, with the lack of proper ventilation, this body stocking had already adherred itself to my ample form. I tried pulling and pushing and considered dialing 911 at one point. This thing needed its own escape pod. I eventually outsmarted the so-called garment with my body parts intact and airway once again unobstructed but my dignity the consistency of swiss cheese.

I bought a few decent things in a 16, which was pretty good for me. But the Wrath of Gigi needed to leave her mark before she left (I so apologize for talking about myself in the third person but I love the company). So I took every size 14 and beyond from the back of the rack or bottom of the shelf and put them in front or on top. Let all those skinny little gym bunnies do some bending and pushing for a change. Let the retailer give the impression that it actually embraces and respects the larger shopper. A girl can dream, can't she?

Crazy Hungry

Oh my - yesterday was like having a tape worm the size of Philadelphia - I was starving All.Day.Long. It got off to a bad start with the good-for-you but non-filling oatmeal. Fiber - check. Hunger - off the charts. I would've stolen food from nuns and babies. Lunch was high protein egg salad wrap with lettuce. Perhaps it was the Chinese variety because an hour later I was hungry again. Chicken for dinner - another good choice but once again I was starving within an hour and went to bed hungrier than ever.

Days like this have happened in the past and I'm wondering if it's biology or poor food choices. Any ideas, friends?

Keeping Score

I got to play tennis with my friend yesterday and she still kicked my ass. But I had a blast. I noticed there was a small window of time when I was playing very well...until she announced the score - and then it all started rolling downhill very fast. Just like the numbers on the scale - once I reach a new low (talking weight here so no snide remarks, please) the self-sabotage mode kicks in. I think it has something to do with low self-worth and feeling that somehow we're undeserving of success or happiness. Are we putting and keeping ourselves down before someone else does it for us? I don't know but I remember feeling that way growing up - if I could make fun of myself before someone else did then it wouldn't hurt so badly. But I'm an adult now and supposedly don't give a sh*t about what other people think. Still, it's hard to teach old dogs new tricks.

I've mentioned that being half Sicilian automatically makes me a world-class grudge holder. Yes, I can still remember the ashtray some cheapskate guest of our wedding gave us almost 18 years ago. I can still remember my college roommate making fun of me for chasing my boyfriend down the hall after an argument when her nickname was "The Stalker" for her unrelenting pick-up tactics in her ever unsuccessful search of an actual boyfriend of her own (and no, I'm not bitter - just catty). Being a world-class grudge holder means you excel at keeping score. But there's a distintion.

Keeping score of things like having a food journal or how much exercise you've done is a good thing. Counting your blessings every day is a good thing. It's GOOD to keep track of good things. Keeping score of times when you've dropped the ball or made an honest mistake is useless and self-defeating. When I see that new low number on the scale, I'm momentarily thrilled until I remember the last time I tried to lose weight and failed and how I'm just certain history is going to repeat itself again. Same with the tennis score. I've lost to her so many times that my mindset seems geared to just letting it happen every time we play - even if temporarily I'm outplaying her. These are not good things to keep track of. They keep us in the victim/Charlie Brown mode of "I can't do anything right". They keep us down and smother any chance of us reaching our full potentials in life.

I'm back to journaling my food and exercise again. Almost every day I use the wonderful cookware that another wedding guest gave us. I'm keeping a daily gratitude journal to focus on the good instead of the bad. I don't keep in touch with The Stalker anymore although I hear she's still on the prowl. You don't have to be Sicilian to know how to keep score - just be sure that it's the good things you're counting.

Thumbs Up For Blogger Buddies

Thank you, all, for the terrific suggestions! You've all given me a second wind with your support! As I'm a lousy swimmer and still can't get to the place I need to be to walk freely in a bathing suit for water workouts, I am still walking about 40 minutes a day and will increase that by 10 minutes to see if that makes some difference. When I return to the gym (the weather's just been too nice not to walk outdoors) I will use the weights on the lower half only.

I think my biggest focus needs to be on my food. While I think I'm being careful, I have let the journaling fall by the wayside so I'm sure a lot of stuff is sneaking in where it shouldn't. I also need to lay off the salt and drink more water. The emotional component of my eating is on the rise as both of my parents are very, very sick and it's almost some primal force that's pushing me to my old comfort habit of eating junk. I know, I know - we all have something to deal with but now that I've identified the cause I can be more cautious in those situations.

I hope you all have a great holiday weekend! And thanks again for your help.

Stalled

I've been hesitant in writing this post because I feel overwhelmed by so many success stories out there and feel a bit of an imposter by not really being one of them. Oh sure, I've lost some weight but given the amount of time I've been at it, it should've been a lot more. Last year there were plenty of times when I got sidetracked - but only two that really should've counted due to illness or injury that prevented me from working out. The other few times are when I got lazy.

And then 2009 came along and I told myself "No more excuses". Since January, I've lost 11 pounds but in the past few months I've been hovering between 204 and 202. Because I had become so frustrated at how long it was taking to lose weight, I stepped up the intensity and joined a gym in June. Three weeks later I injured my elbow which has not allowed me to use that arm for weights. And so it'll be another month or two before that's back to normal. And that's the Catch 22 - whenever I try to up the intensity of the workout ever so subtlely to hasten the weight loss (and I'm not talking wildly exotic stuff like trapeze manuevers or hauling car transmissions to the attic), I wind up losing ground because of some nagging little injury and have to dial back my workouts to just t-mill or elliptical.

I'm so frustrated at my lack of progress but will keep doing the minimal workouts until my elbow heals. But does anyone have any ideas on how to up the workout intensity without continually injuring this middle-age body of mine? I am really struggling with this plateau so any input you'd have would be most appreciated.

"There Is Nothing That You Can't Do"

All politics aside, the attached will show the emotional video of a grateful child to his father's belief in him. If only we all had someone who believed in us so ardently in our developmental years, how much less difficult would our struggles seem now. I feel that believing in ourselves is often learned from whomever raised us - and the more the confidence they had in us, the more we had in ourselves. It is a lonely journey when you feel no one but yourself is in your corner. Here's to all the parents who have made a difference. Grab a tissue.