Not Such A Day At The Beach

Nothing quite says "fat loser" than squeezing yourself into a bathing suit for the first time in three years and pretending to enjoy yourself at the beach with your family. Spandex and sweat just don't mix. And I'm not talking just physical sweat from exertion or heat - I'm talking absolute flop sweat - the kind that you break out into when you realize that with very few exceptions, you're the fattest one on the beach. And nothing but that absolutely miserable feeling makes you want to crawl back into the vicious cycle of eating to soothe yourself.

I don't know what obseity epidemic they're talking about because the beach I visited today had only about 97% healthy specimens. The other 3% were either fat like me or in a disturbing new trend, elderly women parading around in flashy bikinis. (For the first and only time, I'm kind of glad to be a part of the former group as opposed to the latter.) Perhaps society has shamed those of us plus sized people into staying home. I sure wish I had. I've been promising myself for the past 10 years or so that next summer was going to be the one where I don't feel like Shamu's bi-ped sister who washed up on the beach. And I was doing so well with keeping my head in the weight loss game - until I was around so many scantily clad normal sized people and realized how very far I have to go. The elastic leg and arm bands of my bathing suit digging into my flesh didn't help matters either.

So I am safe at home now - back in my elastic waist pants and a cotton shirt, desperate not to drown my sorrows in chocolate. I must admit that my hands are still shaking as I took a real hard knock to my confidence today. I am trying my best to sit still and let the feelings of shame, frustration, and sadness pass through me until I don't want to eat to comfort myself any longer. And I am happy to report that I am NOT in the kitchen while waiting for this to occur!

We have another beach trip planned for Friday. This time we're headed to Rhode Island where no matter how bad I think I look, there are always lot of others in worse shape. No wonder I like it there so much.